Mt V. Feedback...

I would really like some Feedback on my promo considering it is the first of that style written by myself... (pretty stoked about it btw) anyways this is like a I'll feedback yourself if you feedback mine kind of deal...

Apostasy

Pros-

• The death of Edible/Alex was interesting
  
• Good dialogue

Cons-

• Needed more detail in some descriptions (i.e Fat man is dragged out part)
  
• The French/English part was confusing (IMO)

It was an interesting read, as I have never read a Apostasy promo before the little amount of background information was a good read and gave some insight into your story. I was disappointed with some of the action scenes such as

Quote :

Alex drags the fat man to the door slowly and with a slight limp. He places the fat man, who is too far gone to put up much of a struggle, just outside the door. At this point, the fat man’s two friends, a female and a male, both have risen from their seats to protest.

I would have wrote

"Alex attempts to drag the drunk obese man to the door, but he refuses to leave flailing his arms wildly striking Alex a few times on the body and face. Alex attempts to move the large man but he resists.

Alex (Groaning)- It's... like... pushing... a fuckin... freight.... TRAIN!

With one last heave Alex gets the big man to move, getting him out the door sending the fat man tumbling to the pavement outside

Some like that would have given that scene some depth.

Another thing was, and this is purely my opinion and how I visualize things

Quote :

His wet feet slipped out, and his old knee gave out. His head was propelled forward into and through a glass side table. The floor and walls shook, unhooking the mirror from its place on the wall. Alex’s reflection came tumbling down on him, adding to the shattered glass that now encased his body.

When I was visualizing this saw a man fall backwards, but when you said his head when forward I was confused on how this could be possible.

In my opinion I would have wrote something along the lines of

...His wet feet slipped out, as Alex was falling he reached out and grabbed the door frame, his body still drenched in water. Alex takes a step forward being cautious of his next step, he lets the door frame go and continues to move towards the already buzzing phone. Alex takes one final step before his old knee gives out, letting the old man fall to the ground below, his head was propelled forward into and through a glass side table....

This is an unrefined little segmentation but I felt something along those lines add to the suspense leading up to the eventual death of Edible.

Overall I enjoyed the read, the basic story and idea is great, just (and again IMO) little details make a good idea into a excellent idea.

I'll hit you up next time I see you on AIM Anwyl.

I'd appreciate some feedback myself.

EDITED FOR: Apostasy (11/02/11)

Anwyl wrote:

EDITED FOR: Apostasy (11/02/11)

Much appreciated. The sections you highlighted were definitely spots in this promo where I was just...trying...to...get...it...finished. This thing clocked in at 16 pages, and I really dislike longer promos.

Basically the entire time I was writing this I kept thinking "everybody will see this coming", so I wasn't very happy with the overall promo. But Edible's death is somewhat cathartic for me, as I think it gives an ending to a storyline that I had really left on a sour note before (i.e, up and disappearing from LPW). I think it also sets up my next (hopefully better) promo quite well.

The French/English thing was basically to add a little background to the "silent ass-kicking bodyguard" archetype that I was setting up Alex to be (i.e, he was silent for a good reason). The thought being that I'd set "Alex" up as one person, only to slowly pull down the curtain on him being a much more complex person. I used a few French phrases that I thought pretty much everybody knew of. I could have written the entirety of their dialogue in French, but that probably would have been more confusing.

Anyways, thanks for the detailed feedback. You do good work, sir.

No problem, anytime mate