RCA: I've always been a fan of the use of metaphors and such, so this promo was right down my alley. The irony of it all now is that RCA the character is departing as i was getting more into it. The whole story was very well done, it all fitted together well. The idea of RCA being the italian wolf made me smile at the irony, especially with the eating of Rome. The best thing about this promo is that for me it didn't just set up RCA as the stronger man, but it made me believe he is totally superior to Romeo. No complaints with this one, It was a great outing, I felt and RCA is going out on a bang for sure.
Harley: Solid, is the word. The promo did what it was aiming to do, help show that Quint is a good guy now, and out to stop the bad guys. Everything was well done, but it felt for me like something was missing. I liked it a lot, but I felt it needed something else, perhaps more match relevance, but it didn't have a killer punch on it. It was very good, but not groundbreaking.
Gabriel: You've come such a long way since you debuted man, its great to see. There wasn't a point in it where I had to pause for a second, it all flowed so well, which i really liked. I like your writing of dialogue, it runs very well. The story kept me interested until the end. My complaint would be is that it felt like it didn't need to end where it did, like you could have kept going, or maybe that it needed something else in it. It was like I ran into the end. Of course, me of all people know that endings are tricky, and with practice will become better. Keep going like your going, and you'll be going places in FMW.
Apostasy: I like reading your promoes because its like every word makes the story move forward. It's different to other writers here, which I like. Also, the dialgoue is very good and getting people to sound like people actually talking is good skill that not many have. I felt Apostasy may have been pushed to join the Saints a little to easily in it. I know he's an admirer of Drew, but he fell in line a bit too easily. the stuff with Edible was very good, because of the conflicting views, made for a good scene. All in all a very good job, and well written.
Eric Ares: The negatives first, which were that it felt (and was) a bit short and you may be a little rusty, but the promo all in all did the job. As an intro for Eric, that was does just fine, the main point came across fine. The promo was definitly sufficent, but nothing beyond. It was quite lulzy, you gave Drew the expected slandering, and the stuff with Harley and Jaro entertained me a lot. One thing about you is that I know I could never write the type of promoes you do, so where you'll go with Ares is something I'll have to wait for to see. So a good intro, but I know you've got more in the tank, so I'll eagerly await it.
Calvin X Carter: Hell man, why ain't you always been writing this good? This was a gold standard promo, I was thoroughly entertained. Like Apostasy, you've got a way with dialogue. Every character speaks like human beings, not robots from the same factory, which always makes me smile. The story was great, I was very interested. A couple notes is that there were a few errors at the start to watch out for, and when I got to the part with the scrolly text, I had to wait for it to roll back to the start. And even though all the stories in this promo were great, I think its more important to be more forcused on Calvin himself, he is the central figure to all these promoes, it should be about him as much as possible. But still, it was a stellar read, a great promo, and was my favourite promo out of them all for this round of shows
AVO: Right, what I'm going to do here is point what you should improve on. The first thing i spotted when I read the first line of dialogue was "I have" and "I am". There's nothing wrong with it, its fine grammatically and outside of speech, but people don't talk like that. Abbreviating may not seem like much of a difference, but it'll make a difference for the better. Especially since you started with talking to an officer while distressed, you would speak fast, and wouldn't take the time to punctuate. Try and have them speak like people, it's an art and one that will take you a long way in promoing. Another note is that it looked like it was written without a spellcheck, so thats something to invest in (A noticable error was misspelling your own name). The formatting could use a little work, bolding all dialogue seemed unnecessary and confused me. I am nitpicking now but I just want to say it, that ellipses are 3 full stops, not four. Now, the promo itself was fine, but the story needed more expanding, you just jumped right into it. I think that you can definatly move forward, and in time you should get better at this, just keep at it. I'm sorry if this came across a little negative, but I'm just trying to help. You can tell an interesting story if you run with what you have, just expand it, and keep in mind this little grammar lesson i just gave.
Subject: PX's 10.2 feedback 
Sun Feb 14, 2010 5:00 pm
