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Edible14
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PostSubject: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Wed Apr 20, 2011 7:42 pm

Feedback provided with what I would give you as a promo score. Note that I'm a tough grader, as 'Banger will tell you.

On Ammunition:

Abel: A few open html tags, be sure to double-check your post for those. There was one in particular that threw me off:

Quote :
Steele:Huh? Oh yeah I’ll be fine, might have to lose the shirt and pants though. He motioned Amy back to the car and whipped off his pants and shirt, leaving him only in boxer shorts. He quickly threw the soiled clothes in the trunk and then jumped into the car.[/i]

Well, first off... no idea what was going on when I started reading this. That's probably my bad, as I don't really read promos unless asked to, so I have no idea what your character has been up to. So I checked your character recap post, which really wasn't as helpful as I wanted it to be.

I feel that this is a minor stylistic nitpick, and feel free to disregard, but when you have italicized text in a script-style promo, it bugs me when it's not present tense. That's mostly because every script I've ever read/memorized in written in such a way. Again, minor stuff.

So... content. Well... color me puzzled on what to say. I didn't understand what purpose Amy served in this promo, and to be honest she seemed rather... generic. Just a scared woman intern. Maybe she wouldn't have annoyed me if I understood what part she was supposed to play in the overall message of this promo, or... indeed, what the overall message of this promo was.

Score: 2.2

Dunn: Meh. Honestly, this felt like a trash talking piece more than a promo. A really good trash-talking piece, but it's not a story, or anything of the like. I suppose it gave some insight into Dunn the Savior, but really the only thing I walked away with from this promo is that Dunn wants to be a savior, and he really likes the word "save". Not my bag.

Score: 2.5

Grey: So, immediately your promo gave me a Rock Slyde: Private Eye vibe, which had me reading your promo in the voice of Patrick Warburton. Which is always a positive. It added to teh funnay for me, which is always a positive. I don't know if you've seen that movie (it's not very good), but your promo reminded me a lot of it, for better or worse.

Formatting issue: when you're doing dialogue, it's best to mark each line with whoever is talking, script-style. I know it's a pain to do, but it helps readers with ADD like myself who look away from time to time and come back to find... they can't remember who's turn it was to talk.

So, interesting stuff. You actually had me interested in your character, which is what you want to be doing. Some grammatical and formatting issues knock this one down a peg, but I actually really like what you're doing. I have no idea where you're going with this, but... good jorb so far.

Score: 3.1

Corruption:

Blur/Son of Sharkboy: First off, expertly formatted.

First thing I was confused about: people can hear SOSB's inner monologue?

So, I liked the tone of this promo. Quick, witty, very campy... very fitting of the character you're writing. That being said, not a whole lot happened in this promo. So, you've got a good style... now find something to write about!

Score: 3.0
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Wed Apr 20, 2011 9:08 pm

I can haz? Thanks in advance.
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Wed Apr 20, 2011 9:28 pm

I'd really like to hear what you think of mine. It'd be very appreciated
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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:18 pm

Ashburn:

The way you write is compelling. I feel like I know my way inside the head of the character. Part of that has to do with the shocking and compelling subject matter. As you note, FMW has a history of psychopathic types, so you know you've got a ways to go before you're impressing anyone and breaking new ground. But you don't shy away from that challenge, and I like it. The perspective of a monster struggling to stay masked in polite society reminds me a bit of Dexter (the show, I've never read the books), only more constantly dealing with the monster inside, and that's a pretty high compliment.

Your promo served as an excellent introduction, and honestly I felt that the lack of formatting perfectly suits your style. I'm curious as to what exactly you have in store for this character. The intro is often the easy part. The hard part is taking your established character somewhere. I wish I could give you a little more constructive criticism, but that's all I've got for you.


Score: 4.0

Damien Inferno:

I like your writing style. You utilize a prose/novel style, and you're able to write it well enough that it engrosses me. That's talent.

That being said, I'm not big on the whole wizards/demons/magic thing, especially in an efed. Now, you've clearly built your character around that, and I'm not advocating you change that. What I will say, though, is that you can play to this. Things like fire shooting from someone's hand needs to be treated with a sense of awe, especially when you're audience is likely not going to be as hooked in to your character. The way you introduce some of these things is quite casual, as if it's no big deal that Eliza can shapeshift or that Inferno is learning how to cast fireball. Take some time to build up the wonder of this sort of thing, and you might just hook in a few readers.

Some might say that you need to have relevance to your match/what's happening in-ring... I say that's poppycock. However, your work is very detached from the rest of the "universe" of this fed, so an occasional nod to the "real world" wouldn't be a bad idea, just so people don't stop and say "what the fuck am I reading?". You had a good opportunity at several points, when your character complained of all the "bullshit going on around him". That would have been a perfect opportunity to tether this story to what's happening to the wrestler. Or simply to current events.

Also, given how heavy your character exists outside of the "normal realm", I think it might be wise to post and update something in the Character Recap thread, to help out people who haven't read you before (like me).

Score: 3.4
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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:46 pm

Double posting, but it's my own thread so fuck it.

Drew Michaels

First off, I liked the shout out to me. Strokes my ego just fine. Also, totally thought I was going to be tagging with you in this one, but apparently that fell through (hence all the trash-talking of Bryson), but I'm guessing you already know that.

I honestly don't know how to critique you. Your writing is so much more supernaturally based than mine, and yet you make it work. I guess I would add that a brief mention of your feud with Havoc, and some further explanation of why you don't like Hannibal Frost would be nice. I mean, everyone that's been around as long as me knows what that's all about, but there are quite a few rookies here.

Furthermore, I'd like to hear from your character why he challenged TyranT. It sort of came from left-field when I read it. So I was hoping for some build up to your match at Ultimatum. Perhaps that's ultimately what this was. So... I guess stay tuned?

But, as you might know, a criticism from me about staying relevant to a match is like a lecture from Chris Austin on your promo being too long. Obviously, I'm stretching here. I mean, I could say "you should turn down the messiah thing", but that would be disingenuous of me. I know your character pretty well, I'm a big fan. The thing that I find myself wondering is if Drew Michaels is also losing his mind, and starting to crack up. Every once and awhile, I get that sense from the character, and I wonder where that leads to... if I'm reading it correctly.

Score: 4.5
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:57 pm

Edible14 wrote:
First thing I was confused about: people can hear SOSB's inner monologue?

First of all, thank you for your feedback; I greatly appreciate it. The SoSB's inner monologue is supposed to be like a narration of what he normally would say if he was able to speak above water. It's a trial and error process. Maybe in the next promo, I might try to remedy that confusion.
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Thu Apr 21, 2011 8:31 am

Thanks, man. This is pretty helpful.
i just need to explain one thing though. Eliza can't shapeshift. Damien confused her for Jess because it was dark, he's still somewhat delusional, being legit crazy, and that was what he reeeeeaaaaally wanted.
Eliza is. . .something, but i'm not saying what yet Razz
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Thu Apr 21, 2011 11:30 am

Thanks for that bro.

I'd return the favor, but I fear I'd get hung up on the bad shirts. So I'll hit you back for the next one.

(And for the record, I like the more trash-talking-esque style. Sad)
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Thu Apr 21, 2011 6:23 pm

MPD wrote:
Thanks for that bro.

I'd return the favor, but I fear I'd get hung up on the bad shirts. So I'll hit you back for the next one.

(And for the record, I like the more trash-talking-esque style. Sad)

Sorry to say, I just couldn't think of anything more constructive to say.

As I said, I'm not about to defend those shirts. I knew that I wanted to do the mediocrity = perfection angle for this week's promo, but I was having a hard time stretching it out. Stumbled onto a folder with all those shirts that I had made back in the day. Laughed, as they were so awful. Then thought "I think Apostasy, if he had these shirts (and he would, since he was an uber-fan of both Edibles), he would just slap some duct tape on The Abandoned shirt, write in champion, and call it his own". That premise made me giggle, and it was the premise for basically half of that promo.
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Thu Apr 21, 2011 10:37 pm

Screw it.

I know you've shat on me in the past, but maybe one more shitting on may be beneficial, especially since I'm trying a new style. The thing is, as I read it, it comes off really dry and emotionless (which isn't that good IMO), but I am really enjoying what I wrote here as well as what I have planned later for Mr. Austin.

Of course, you may not. Either way, I guess I'd like to know what you think of my promo if it isn't too much trouble.
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:58 am

IF you are able I would love some feedback on my promo

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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Fri Apr 22, 2011 8:48 pm

oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!!! Pulease!
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Fri Apr 22, 2011 9:23 pm

Would like the feedbacks please

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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Fri Apr 22, 2011 9:35 pm

iluedible<3

I agree totally with the score. It ended up being better then I had planned, since I only had the one day to write it and I expected it to come out really compacted of what I originally had planned. So, yeah, totes agree on the score. As for the movie, I haven't seen it, but Patrick Warburton as a private eye? I'mokaywiththis.

As for the formatting thing, I was a bit unsure, I did them that way to break up the paragraphs and to keep them from being bloated with text while keeping the novel-style, but my pre-posting promo reader told me he didn't have a problem with it so it went up as is, though now I've gotten two separate critiques regarding it being hard to follow, so next promo I'll adjust it. Either do it script style or full on novel style. I'll see.

I'm a little worried about where I'm going (and my pre-posting reader didn't help things), since I don't think it'll be a very popular way to go. Oh well, we'll see.

Glad you liked it bro.

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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Fri Apr 22, 2011 10:26 pm

Por Favor?? Smile
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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Sat Apr 23, 2011 2:35 pm

Damn, lots of folks to get to., will do so Sunday/Monday
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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Mon Apr 25, 2011 3:34 pm

Corruption

Valladon/Dallas Roland: I'm trying to find a way to say "write better dialogue", while still having it be a constructive thing to say. Dialogue is hard, though. I think what sets off the "bad dialogue detector" for people is when characters don't feel like people. In your promo, you have Seth talking with your character, but you never really get the impression of what Seth is like as a character. His lines are very to-the-point, as if you just wanted him to say something to advance the plot. It helps if you have your other characters interact with you in a way that gives the audience a reason to suspect that they're real people, not hollow plot devices. Here's a quote to point to what I'm talking about:

Quote :
Roland: You remember when I graduated from Hard Knox.

Omega: Of course. You’re possibly one of my finest students.

Roland: At the time, you had begun your tenure at FMW.

Omega: Yes, I was wrestling with Jip.

Roland: That’s what I’m here to talk to you about.

Omega: What are you getting at?

You could literally replace Omega with any English-speaking person in the history of the universe here, that's how bland those responses are. They show absolutely nothing about his personality, or how his character feels towards yours. Again, this is a difficult thing to do, it requires a fair bit of attention to detail. By the same token, your bar fight left a lot to the imagination, and I find that it's better if you describe the action a bit more thoroughly. Describing the visceral effects of each punch, the straining of muscles when a character is restrained, the bloodshed, the frustration... all of that adds to the atmosphere for the reader.

Your character and story are interesting enough. Now it's just a matter of keeping the attention of readers.

Score: 2.5

Ammunition

RCA/Austin: The first thing that threw me off was the style, which was some weird mixture of first and third person. It took some getting used to. Seems to work for you, though. A minor note, I would say that you should probably separate dialogue when it's from different characters. Things like this:

Quote :
“I have no idea what he’s talking about, honestly,” Jessica chuckles out. “I think you do,” I coldly state.

This isn't the way I prefer to read/write dialogue. Minor point, though.

For whatever reason, I really loved that you took the muffin from the man you killed in your promo. A perfect off-beat note of comedy. That being said... I wasn't all clear on why you killed him. Probably because I don't read promos that often. I'm sure it makes more sense to others.

Anyway, strong promo. Even though I don't know much about Austin, I felt like I had a decent understanding of the character by promo's end, and a decent understanding of the relationship between him and O'Rion. This promo made me interested in the O'Rion/Austin feud, which is something I certainly wasn't before. Good jorb. I know I'm a harsh grader, but I can see good stuff when it's there.

Score: 4.0

Tyrant: Fantastic stuff, for the most part. I would point to the criticism I made to Roland's promo... Bryson's character could have used some fleshing out. However, I've noticed that your promos tend to be more about what's happening and less about how the characters feel about this and that, leaving the audience to infer about the characters' inner thoughts/emotions based on what they know elsewhere. So even though I would throw out that criticism, know that it's very minor for your promo.

Overall, I love your style and I like how you humanized two of the biggest heels in FMW right now. I would also throw you the same criticism I threw at Drew, which was... hey... why are you two feuding? Perhaps that could be addressed in promo?

Levi: First thing I'll note is that I was looking for info on your character either in one of the roster threads or in the character recap thread. No such info exists. You should rectify that.

You actually do a decent job with dialogue, but you rush things waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much. Your character is undergoing some emotionally charged event with this organ grinder, and the whole of what he's seeing maybe lasts 2 paragraphs. This is FMW, we love gory detail. I mean, I wrote a match where a wrestler put a nailgun under the chin of another wrestler and pulled the trigger. We're all used to the gory detail. No need to spare it.

I liked the machine metaphor for FMW, and to be honest it was a compelling reason for your character to be the way he is. I'm a tad confused about why you were being beat up by Butters or Tyrell, but I suppose that would make more sense if I knew anything about your previous promos. The character is interesting, and you certainly grasp the concept of a metaphor. Just flesh it out.

Score: 3.2


Last edited by Edible14 on Mon Apr 25, 2011 7:47 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Mon Apr 25, 2011 3:41 pm

I'd like some feedback, Mr. Edible.
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:00 pm

What score did I get you tease Wink

I'll leave you feedbax in return by the way sometime very soon. I always feedbax those who feedbax me Razz
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:42 pm

Edible14 wrote:
Tyrant:

...

Score: 3.2

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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:53 pm

I'd like some feedback as well, as I'm trying to get back into the swing of things.
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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Mon Apr 25, 2011 7:46 pm

TyranT wrote:
What score did I get you tease Wink

I'll leave you feedbax in return by the way sometime very soon. I always feedbax those who feedbax me Razz

4.2, I must have deleted that somewhere. The 3.2 was for Levi
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Mon Apr 25, 2011 11:06 pm

I would also like to ask for feedback, if you have the time, sir.
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Mon Apr 25, 2011 11:29 pm

You skipped me, but I'll ask nicer rthis time. May you please give me some feedback

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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Mon Apr 25, 2011 11:53 pm

Anwyl wrote:
You skipped me, but I'll ask nicer rthis time. May you please give me some feedback

Fuck, I knew I forgot someone. The lot of you will be dealt with sometime tomorrow.
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Tue Apr 26, 2011 4:44 am

I'd like to get in the queue for feedback please.
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:20 pm

DeAndes/Xander: On first read, I had really nothing bad to say about this promo. The formatting is gorgeous and unique, there were only a handful of spelling/grammatical errors (certainly fewer than the average FMW promo), and I was able to read it all the way to the end without getting bored. Kudos.

I suppose I should ask... what was with the link to LPW at the bottom of the promo?

I liked the contrast between Kross 1 year ago and Kross now. I'm not sure, other than that, why these two stories went together, or what purpose the first story existed at all. I'm sure that would make more sense if I read promos more often (I feel I've said that a lot in this thread).

Score: 3.7

Caesar/Chaos:There's an odd feeling I get when trying to review one of the few guys in this fed that's been doing this longer than me. I feel like most of my opinions probably shouldn't mean much to the likes of you or Drew. But there are a few things.

Color-coding. It's a pain in the ass, but it helps script-style promos. Also, there were a few grammatical mistakes that were quite noticeable to me. Particularly -"and instead of having a drunken revelry like I was expecting" - these kind of mistakes can sometimes confuse the reader and turn them off of your promo. As I've recommended to a lot of people here - post your storyline in the character recap thread. Helps out immensely for people like me to understand what the fuck is going on. From what I gathered from your sign up thread, your character is Mass Chaos possessed by the spirit of Caesar... which is humorous. Would like to know who these other characters are in your promo.

Halfway through this promo, I started rooting for you to win, merely out of self-interest. It would be interesting for Apostasy, the trainee of Edible, to confront the possessed Mass Chaos. I wonder how your character would react to Apostasy's current t-shirt. Anyway, back to relevant feedbacking...

I love the tone of your promos. You keep it light and funny, with a cartoonish violent streak. I wish there was more story to this promo than "Caesar hears who he has to wrestle next, and heads to his next city". I don't know if you have an overarching story here, but if you do I haven't gotten a sense of it.

Score: 3.2

War Machine: Quick and probably minor formatting note, I'm not a big fan of coloring in entire paragraphs of text, unless the text has some special meaning (see: Dunn, Matt). I much prefer coloring in the names of the people talking, followed by the usual white text. Just looks better.

Okay, so, I liked what was going on here. I think you actually wrote a decent match in there (you wrote that, right?), and I think including a match inside a promo is unique and interesting if done right. The first little bit going on backstage was moderately humorous. Then... the promo just sort of ended. Nothing really tied in that match with the rest of the promo, how WM felt about the match, etc. You, for all intents and purposes, ended the promo with "I won a title before, and I'm going to win now and do awesome stuff... yeah!" Really could have expanded on that part a little more. You had what amounts to a good setup for this promo. Now you need to actually do something with it.

Score: 2.3

Eastwood: Thank you for including the translation to all of that Polish. Didn't see it at first, and was mighty confused. Was also confused about who the fuck everyone else was (see above comments about character recap thread being useful).

So... the premise of this promo was Jack Eastwood murders the fuck out of some wolves? Can't say I'd want to face a man that murders wolves in his spare time. But seriously, the tone of your promo expresses your character quite nicely. I like what you have going in Eastwood, but I honestly didn't understand where this promo mattered in the scheme of things. Still, well written, well coded and some of your side characters seem genuinely interesting. Just needs some more content, or a metaphor or... something.

Score: 3.5

Anwyl: I know your character is Aussie, and therefore he's supposed to have a different speech pattern, but something about the speech of the character really threw me off. I'm not exactly sure what it was, but the dialogue in this promo was just... off. That's honestly 90% of the problem I have with this promo.

You have a weird writing style, as if someone is telling this story second-hand to a stranger in a bar, glossing over the unimportant parts. It's interesting, and perhaps you would be best served by assigning those little bits as dialogue to a narrator-type character.

I like what you did with this promo. Some of the turns were very predictable - pretty much called the "this is all an illusion" part as soon as Smitten shot Anwyl - but we all follow tropes. No idea why that last segment was even part of this promo. I would have liked you to focus a bit more on the things that drug addiction does to Anwyl. The repeated "you were given respect" line rang very hollow, as your character is a rookie and that honestly doesn't seem to fit. If you're going to broche the subject, you should probably delve into some of the more trippy aspects of being high. If you're not aware of what those are, you should probably refrain from delving into that side of things.

Score: 2.0

Alright, does that about cover it for you all?
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War Machine

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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:49 pm

Thanks. Yeah, I did write the match myself, just off the top of my head specifically for the promo. The thing is, after posting it, I realized all that, that I should have expanded the ending present-day part.
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iDeAndes



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:51 pm

Thanks for the feedback. To answer your questions -

  • Both promos are inter-linked with one another. The character is competing in two feds at once. Thought it might be novel to reference the fact that he is, currently, wrestling for two promotions which explains his lack of financial flexibility.

  • The back-story had emphasis on teamwork and it was also the debut of Xander Kross (or Freddie Dangerous if you prefer) in the business. I wanted the reader to question what led to Xander then becoming the Xander now. It was also introducing the primary setting of all of Xander's flashbacks as it pertains to how he copes with situations and certain opponents in the present setting. MalfPro and its insanity were good training and tests for what may (and probably will) come up in FMW.

  • I spell checked it. Twice. Bad grammar and spelling were probably intentional if it was part of dialogue.

  • Thanks for the compliment about formatting. I absolutely loathe when people put fifty million colors in a promo. It makes shit really hard to read through if it looks like I'm reading Skittles packaging.
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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Feedback you can taste!   Tue Apr 26, 2011 10:42 pm

iDeAndes wrote:
I spell checked it. Twice. Bad grammar and spelling were probably intentional if it was part of dialogue.

Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I was actually complimenting your lack of grammatical/spelling mistakes. I suppose that comment looks a tad backhanded in retrospect. My apologies.
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