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 Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.

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Leon Caprice



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PostSubject: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Mon Jan 10, 2011 9:36 am

So I really feel like this is the key to returning motivation to writers and bringing that constant hype that writers are improving within the fed. So with that said I am offering my time to feedback all writers.

Now I will not make promises that I will get to everyone, but whether its in this thread or on AIM, I will follow you up with some quick points.

But its first in (with a promo posted) first served. And I'll make sure I go indepth for you, no "it was great" feedback here.

Also check out Abel's feedback thread here for more feedback or a different opinion.

List so far (in order):
- MasterRed:
Ok so I'm going to feedback as I read yours, just because I think there is a lot I can break up in this. First point is the odd big block of text straight up. From a formatting POV you might want to change that, it just makes it hard to start on for a reader. A good piece of advice for this is to look at some of the vet's introductions, which starts with something that engages the readers attention, and from that you can build your promo. Now within the first paragraph alone it seems like you structured it to be "He does this, then he does this and then this." Use descriptive words to build a larger gap between actions. Otherwise it means your reader has to slow down to follow every action. So I'll take an example:

"he moves forward a few paces and spins around then throwing his right arm into the air before walking down the ramp towards the ring, as Anwyl begins his strut down the entrance ramp he ignore the fans sitting ring side, many calling out to him"

There is too many actions here so close together so if i may, here is a way I'd think works better.

"He gradually moves forward a few paces before showcasing his signature spin much to the crowds delight, with the crowds reaction to his arrive still sinking in, Anwyl steadily begins his strides down the entrance ramp, ignoring the fans that would reach out for him."

I know it isn't perfect, but it builds flow into the sentances to have more description. A simple lesson to perfect this is to read your promo out loud. By doing this you are giving yourself the eyes of a reader and from there you can perfect your sentance structure. Now I know most of your promo is TTing in the ring, but to be honest a good FMW promo doesn't show what your wrestler can say, but what he's like, what he does. So maybe next time try a backstage scene, with Anwyl talking about why he started in FMW, allow us as a reader to read more about J.L. Anwyl.

Now I think you have already got the dialogue to description scale perfect, you broke up the dialogue with some good descriptions, keep doing that in every scene. After awhile you'll see that those descriptions between dialogue helps to express your character more.

Overall you have a lot of potential to do well here, but the main bit of feedback I want you to apply is open your character up and show us what he's like. Maybe that means having a person (Friend, gf, fellow wrestler) that you can have Anwyl chatting too, or finding a driving force for Anwyl outside of wrestling. Either way you go I'm open to help you brainstorm, so hit me up on AIM if you want to chat about this.

- Jeff Poliwhitt:
So reading your promo was interesting, I liked your layout and length of descripton & dialogue, you ran the conversations smoothly and in the end it came off without an error. However, I am going to be honest because I want you to improve on this, What was the point of this whole conversation? It went from Jeff being abused for losing, to then finding out his match, to then finding out they had a segment and then feeling a little good about himself as he left. Now I get its good for match relevance but it does'n't have a WOW factor, there was no surprises or twists in it. So it was a good read, but was there a stand out point in it, no. So using this as an example, I'd eagerly like to see what Jeff would have done after leaving, how he'd react to his match or his boss being unhappy with him. Now this brings me to a big point of feedback for you.

This is Jeff Whitt's promo, now if you watched WWE and thought you were watching a John Cena promo then he gets abused by Wade Barrett, it doesn't make Cena look so invincible, infact it lessens the belief that he can win. Same applies to Jeff. We don't want to see your character getting yelled at or being the bottom of a conversation, we want to see Jeff lifting himself for his match, finding some motivation and going for it, not getting torn a new one. Now I know this isn't always correct, because sometimes you can make your character getting abused, into him changing his ways to be better, but for the simple example of your promo, I believe it might have been better to show us Jeff growing in character.

Now the last thing I want to draw your attention to is your conclusion, make something of it. The conclusion is the last thing a reader will read so make it something that will make them laugh, be amazed by or be eager to know what happens next. Don't just let the end of the scene dictate the end of your promo, write an extra conclusion for Jeff. Maybe that is the point where you really show us as the readers why Jeff will win. Food for thought.

- AVO
Ok now before I start, I'm going to say something to you which I want you to acknowledge and change ASAP. Never put "..." more than three times in your promo. Your use of this kills your dialogue from both a viewing stand point and also reading it. Because "..." means a pause in conversation triple the sized of a "."
An example: "I got a copy of the card from Smitten this morning and we have a match against a couple rooks in TURKEY.....There ain't no country called Chicken....Good try though..."

Now unless AVO is thinking hard about if there is a country called Chicken, you need to change this. For example to this:

"I got a copy of the card from Smitten this morning and we have a match against a couple rooks in TURKEY!There ain't no country called Chicken, good try though."

Immediately this looks better & it reads better. Remember when you are reading a promo, a "," = a breath, a "." = A paused breath, and "..." = a extended pause, used for heavy thinking or a long pause between dialogue. Now remember that and lets see what your next promo looks like. Now onto the promo itself. I like the description you input between the dialogue it was well placed and gave good breaks to the dialogue, keep that up.

Now onto a serious point. A promo is meant to create a reader perception that your wrestler is more able to win the match than your opponent. Now whether your promo showcases your wrestler working out, getting into his mindset, spending time with friends and family who support him, or whether he's thinking by himself about how he's going in FMW, it needs to be pulled off with the reader seeing your character as the probable winner of your match. Now looking at your promo he picked up his tag partner then played Go Fish. So really aim to make it more intentional. Make the scenes leave the reader thinking how ready AVO is for his match, or how he's growing as a character. Give us the motivational side of AVO.





- Levi
- Storm
- Abel
- Dude
- Alex (when you promo)





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Know that I am no longer alone.


Last edited by Leon Caprice on Thu Jan 13, 2011 12:21 am; edited 6 times in total
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Jeff
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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Mon Jan 10, 2011 9:50 am

I officially request back-feeding from Leon Caprice.

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Alex O'Rion

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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:10 am

My promo is coming in the next day so I would like to make a preemptive request.
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Vincent Van Rose



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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Mon Jan 10, 2011 10:35 am

I would enjoy your thoughts bud
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Leviticastform
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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:01 pm

I got a promo up and would be thrilled to get some feedback.
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The Celt

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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:05 pm

@Jeff Whitt: As a self contained scene the promo ran on about 2 paragraphs of dialogue too long in my mind. Not the promo, but the scene. As a reader I could see where it going and was ready to just move on. If you'd written another scene I'd have read as it as you've a very good handle on your writing style, you just need some more daring ideas and plots. The revelation at the end wasn't bad, but it almost could have done with a second revelation such as from Whitt himself that he's working Williams over as well.

Edit: Leon I'm using just your thread because it's easier to just have all the feedback in one spot.


Last edited by The Celt on Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:27 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Storm183



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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:24 pm

Would love some feedback, please and thank you.
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Leviticastform
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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:29 pm

Well if we are just doing it all in one spot I would like some feedback from everyone willing to give it.
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Jeff
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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:29 pm

The Celt wrote:
@Jeff Whitt: As a self contained scene the promo ran on about 2 paragraphs of dialogue too long in my mind. Not the promo, but the scene. As a reader I could see where it going and was ready to just move on. If you'd written another scene I'd have read as it as you've a very good handle on your writing style, you just need some more daring ideas and plots. The revelation at the end wasn't bad, but it almost could have done with a second revelation such as from Whitt himself that he's working Williams over as well.

Gotcha, gotcha. About more "daring ideas and plots", all I can say is that they're coming. Trust me. I contemplated doing a second scene after this one, then thought against it. Maybe I should have, but oh well. Thanks for the feeding, Celt.

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Abel Steele
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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Tue Jan 11, 2011 1:38 am

I wantz the feedback..... I needz the feedback. P-p-p-p-p-p-lease

Also I will be offering my feedback in a seperate thread after some discussion with Leon. Check it out
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The Dude

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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Tue Jan 11, 2011 6:58 am

I would also like some feedbax!
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Leon Caprice



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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Thu Jan 13, 2011 12:02 am

Master Red, Jeff & AVO you have your feedback now. Any questions contact me on aim or msn (AIM: adamantium@aol.com.au MSN: adamcuren@hotmail.com)

Everyone else's is still coming

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Vincent Van Rose



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PostSubject: Re: Time to feed the hungry with some Feedback.   Thu Jan 13, 2011 2:28 pm

Thanks so much for the constructive feedback. On the "..." I never realized what it was intended for in the style of writing we use, so that was a huge pointer!! As for the promo itself, I use a lot of humor in my promos and they are hardly ever serious , that and I played GO FISH with my daughter earlier in the day before I wrote the promo and thought it would be hilarious for grown men to be playing it all serious like. That being said my next thought on my promos is going to take them down a serious road so I will definitely take your advice to heart. THANKS!!!
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