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 Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!

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Skyler Striker
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PostSubject: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Tue Jun 22, 2010 9:54 am

On holidays, decided that I should probably feedback some promos. I've done a few but please request in this thread if you want yours done specifically.

Matthew P. Dunn

I read this both before and after I read Seth’s promo, but it seems like you’ve got a bit of ring rust. It was traditional Dunn, and it had that nostalgic factor – but it was far too formulaic for you. Secret unreadable code + Dunn’s intimidation of his opponent + supernatural themes. It didn’t develop on Dunn – or Omega – or Eastwood. It just exists, rather than jumping off the page. I didn’t see the point in repeating the story because I got the semi-symbolism the first time. I was simply confused by Annalisa’s involvement, and Omega’s dialogue seemed a little off at times. How did he know about the druids? All this involvement really came from nowhere for me. It’s obvious you two collaborated, but collaboration on a single story in this fashion seems more appropriate for tag teams, not enemies. The presentation is excellent, however.

Overall: Your formula’s good, but unfortunately that’s all this promo was for me – formula. Maybe it all just needs a little time to settle in and unfold.

Alexander Crysto

There’s talent in there, but lots of improvement is needed here. Don’t know if Dunn was collaborating with you, but if he was, he didn’t belong there unless there’s some giant angle taking place I’m unaware of. The TT I’ve seen doesn’t really justify this on its own - especially immediately after the previous two promos. Regardless, this promo didn’t give me a reason to care about Alexander. It dropped names far too often. Focus on YOUR character before anyone else’s. Generic opening, brief introduction via recollection of the past as a tormented child, mysterious man, more conspiracy. It really didn’t do anything for me. First off, it needs punctuating badly – apostrophes, commas, everything. Word has a grammar check. Second, dialogue. People don’t simply say “You know, that day we find out who you truly are!” – try and make it sound more natural and less forced – this sounded more like it belongs with expository description rather than dialogue. About Crysto and the picture of him and the old man – if he didn’t care and wasn’t interested in who it was, why’d he take it off the wall? Tell us these things, or at least justify actions. On top of all this, it lacked real match relevance, and didn’t give us a real reason for us to want you to win – although you may do it via no show.

Overall: Run-of-the-mill introductory promo, but plenty of room for improvement, and the drive is definitely there. Stick at it and you’ll be raising the roof in no time.

Axel Van Osbourne

This was far too short on content and far too cliche to be a match-winner, really. First off, it needs punctuation. Second, it needs presentation, because it's all just giant white text. There's no spacing to break it up, no differentiation between dialogue, description or characters. There were far too many cliched spots there as well - AVO's dad hated wrestling, is dead, AVO wants to prove him wrong. I've seen it a million times before - it's the 'poor upbringing, work-hard-face' story that seems to be extremely popular. It doesn't make me like Axel, or have sympathy for him. Give him something different. If he wants to be famous, focus on that. Focus on how fame drives him to want to be a champion, to hear the applause of the fans. Don't stick to the generic and general. On the plus side, however, your description is improving drastically, and it flowed really well. I really liked the last paragraph in particular.

Overall: Too short on originality and substance, but you're showing improvement and if you sit down with someone to talk about defining Axel as a character (I'm happy to help via AIM or PM) then you're on your way to being a superstar.

Chris Austin

Good stuff. Not your strongest outing, but still good. The quality of your writing is pretty high, as always, but there's still a few things that stuck out to me. I'm not sure I thought the coloured inner monologues were effective - they seemed pretty unnecessary given the manner you write in, because I could easily have inferred most of the things they revealed. I know someone already brought up the double use of MoC in the opening section, so I won't repeat it. O'Rion and Austin's chemistry is still growing but should get more defined and natural as the two of you continue. The section with James was cheese central, song lyrics do this without trying and especially coming out of Austin's mouth. One qualm I had with the keys scene was that threatening to rape a guy's wife would probably make him call security, and it would have been easy for Austin to deceive the guy another way instead, especially given Austin's cunning. That said, you followed it up with your strongest writing - as always, your match relevance is one of the strongest in the fed. Top class analysis from a character whose match preparation really makes him who he is in the ring. The end, however, happened far too quickly, and I felt it was a bit abrupt and an ineffective shot at portraying you guys as the opposite of Crash Scene.

Overall: A good promo. Not your greatest, but still good. If we weren't getting vote-raped, I'd perhaps think it wasn't a title challenging promo, but we may be handing over our remaining gold to give you your first.

Alex O'Rion

I think I regret disregarding your work when I first joined FMW because of a lack of colour. While I do still feel that a little buffing up on the presentation side of things would help, your promos have a real raw feeling about them that makes me smile. I quite enjoyed this view that really lays out where O'Rion stands on everything now. You tell a great story and I was enthralled the whole way through, although the length could have been just a tad shorter. Nonetheless, there was emotion, drama and while it did play out a bit predictably, it wasn't overbearing on the promo and it made me want to support Alex (if I wasn't your opponent, heh). The ending seemed a little tacked on, like it was there to add match relevance (which of course it was). Promos like this make me remember why you were an FMW Champion, and that you still have a lot of tricks left up your sleeve.

Overall: Great, strong material worthy of a former World Champion. A few niggles in spelling, punctuation and presentation but failing that? This was a natural and sensible promo from you which hit home.

Seth Omega

TyranT:


Last edited by Skyler Striker on Wed Jun 23, 2010 8:39 am; edited 3 times in total
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Vincent Van Rose



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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:03 am

I would enjoy the feedback of Skyler
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RCA
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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:08 am

I want the feed...back.


EDIT: Greatest name of a feedback thread ever.
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Alex O'Rion

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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:24 am

I'll continue my spamming of ze feedback threads.

Please senior Skyler?
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Matt Dunn

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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:28 am

Skyler Striker wrote:
On holidays, decided that I should probably feedback some promos. I've done a few but please request in this thread if you want yours done specifically.

Matthew P. Dunn

I read this both before and after I read Seth’s promo, but it seems like you’ve got a bit of ring rust. It was traditional Dunn, and it had that nostalgic factor – but it was far too formulaic for you. Secret unreadable code + Dunn’s intimidation of his opponent + supernatural themes. It didn’t develop on Dunn – or Omega – or Eastwood. It just exists, rather than jumping off the page. I didn’t see the point in repeating the story because I got the semi-symbolism the first time. I was simply confused by Annalisa’s involvement, and Omega’s dialogue seemed a little off at times. How did he know about the druids? All this involvement really came from nowhere for me. It’s obvious you two collaborated, but collaboration on a single story in this fashion seems more appropriate for tag teams, not enemies. The presentation is excellent, however.

Overall: Your formula’s good, but unfortunately that’s all this promo was for me – formula. Maybe it all just needs a little time to settle in and unfold.

Of course, you're entitled to your opinion, and some of it I will be applying in the future. I want to address a few issues;

Namely, I in no way collaborated with anyone, I wrote my promo in 3 hours of me seeing the promo thread, and posted it. Seth setting up his promo to feed into mine was Seth's idea entirely, and Crysto asked me if he could reference me in his promo, I said yehk. So, actually, you're wrong on that account.

It's been pointed out that Seth's dialogue was a little off at times, specifically with the underwhelming response of Seth when the Druids (who I took the liberty of having Seth know about, seeing as he was in a match with Matt, he'd look up Matt. Matt + Druids,) and I did this because I thought it be better to under-react which could be justified by shock (well, that was the initial plan) rather than over react and get it wrong.

As for personal development of Dunn in this particular piece (which I chose to see as a re-introduction) being not there, sure it is. You just can't see it yet. This ties in with Annalisa. I could tell you, but it will spoil potential mark out moments in the future if I do it right, so I won't.

Main point is, I didn't collaberate with anyone. I just want to make that perfectly clear.

I'll be trying to hook everyone that's given me feedback sometime, chances are it'll be friday though, earliest. My raiding week begins tonight. If I don't find time, you're first on the list for next time round, etc, etc.

Also <3
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Omega

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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:33 am

It was indeed my idea to have the feeder be set up into his promo, but mainly because my creative juices hadn't been flowing right lately and it made my job a lot easier.

I wouldn't mind feedback if you have time.
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Skyler Striker
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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:43 am

Dunn wrote:
Of course, you're entitled to your opinion, and some of it I will be applying in the future. I want to address a few issues;

Namely, I in no way collaborated with anyone, I wrote my promo in 3 hours of me seeing the promo thread, and posted it. Seth setting up his promo to feed into mine was Seth's idea entirely, and Crysto asked me if he could reference me in his promo, I said yehk. So, actually, you're wrong on that account.

It's been pointed out that Seth's dialogue was a little off at times, specifically with the underwhelming response of Seth when the Druids (who I took the liberty of having Seth know about, seeing as he was in a match with Matt, he'd look up Matt. Matt + Druids,) and I did this because I thought it be better to under-react which could be justified by shock (well, that was the initial plan) rather than over react and get it wrong.

As for personal development of Dunn in this particular piece (which I chose to see as a re-introduction) being not there, sure it is. You just can't see it yet. This ties in with Annalisa. I could tell you, but it will spoil potential mark out moments in the future if I do it right, so I won't.

Main point is, I didn't collaberate with anyone. I just want to make that perfectly clear.

I'll be trying to hook everyone that's given me feedback sometime, chances are it'll be friday though, earliest. My raiding week begins tonight. If I don't find time, you're first on the list for next time round, etc, etc.

Also <3

My apologies, Mr. Dunn - I presuemed because of the oddly formatted text that you'd had something to do with those guys. I retract my point on that account, then.
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Matt Dunn

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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:47 am

Everyone wants a bit of Dunn. =)
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Skyler Striker
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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Wed Jun 23, 2010 6:11 am

AVO's feedback is up, will get to the rest after I drop my sister off. More feedback spots are open, folks, don't be afraid to ask!
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TyranT



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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Wed Jun 23, 2010 7:04 am

Go on then... why not Razz
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Skyler Striker
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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Wed Jun 23, 2010 8:40 am

Updated to include Austin and Alex.
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Vincent Van Rose



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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Fri Jun 25, 2010 4:24 pm

Skyler I would love some insight into developing Axel as a character....I have ideas but can't do anything with them.
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Easy

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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Fri Jun 25, 2010 4:35 pm

Pretty Please?
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Christian Moorebyss

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PostSubject: Re: Feel The Rhythm, Feel The Rhyme, Get On Up, It's Feedback Time!   Fri Jun 25, 2010 5:54 pm

Can I have some feedback please, Mr Striker, sir?
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