And for our viewers comments and views, here are the 3 stand up acts:
Drew’s Script:
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, and daughter. The father says to the talent agent, "We have an amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little cutesy."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "Okay. I'll take a look."
“Well, it starts with my very pregnant wife walking out on stage. As she walks out, her water breaks and she leaves a trail behind her on her way to lie on the ground in the middle of the stage. Following her are our son and daughter, twin seven year-olds. They get a running start and then slide down the trail like a Slip’n’Slide. While my kids are getting hot and ready, I come out wearing nothing but a pair of surgical gloves; you have to be safe; and prepare to deliver the baby on stage. As I deliver the precious child, my wife does the expected shitting herself thing and I scoop up a huge pile and rub it into my chest in the shape of a smiley face.
While this is going on, my father leads our dog Jesus out on to the stage and drops his pants and Jesus goes to town all over Grandpa’s wrinkled old cock. Meanwhile, my kids are 69-ing in a mix of amniotic fluid and feces and my son is getting close. Sensing it, my daughter bites down as hard as possible on his cock, drawing blood. As his screams fill the stage, the head of our new child is breaching out and I, being a loving father, take my raging boner and shove it into the mouth of the newborn child. As I skullfuck the infant, I thrust a bit too hard and snap its neck. Not having finished yet, however, I continue to fuck as hard as possible in the still warm baby corpse until I burst my nut all the way down its throat. My wife is getting hot over this whole affair and begins to choke herself with the umbilical cord as my son, with his still bleeding cock, slides into the womb that birthed him.
My daughter takes the dog’s place in blowing Grandpa while giving Jesus a free pass to her virgin asshole which he obviously takes. As grandpa is enjoying himself, I pull him down to his knees and rip out his glass eye to fuck his skull. So I’m vigorously fucking my father’s eye socket, my daughter is taking it from my dog, and my son is pounding my wife. To end it all, a giant flaming cross is raised in the background with the dead, skullfucked baby in the middle; a crown of thorns on its head; as the audience explodes into applause.”
Shocked, the agent blurts out “What the heck do you call an act like that?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
Butters Script:
Well, thanks for your time guys. I’m going to apologize ahead of time… I’m not a funny guy. I’m not the one to split your sides or leaving your ja hurting from laughter…. I’m more like that guy you see at the middle school basketball games. The one you know doesn’t have any kids in the game… he just likes to see people he’s almost less pathetic than. Key word is almost. See, I’m aware that this game is a popularity contest, and I’m ok with that. I just assumed I’d screw-up by now. Really if your choice was between myself and Drew Michaels… that’s like choosing between a brand-new never owned Corvette and a do-it-yourself dentistry kit. There’s not a lot to argue. I mean Drew’s got the humor, the personality, the cool-as-ice demeanor. I’ve got the personality of a towel you left sitting on the bathroom floor for two days. As far as Alex goes, the guy radiates funny… I radiate pity. Seriously, when you’re around Alex, something deep inside you just wants to laugh. When you’re around me, something deep inside you just wants to make sure there’s not something better you could be doing. No, I’m serious. I’m so socially awkward that a girl ditched me on a blind date. She just didn’t understand why my mom insisted on driving us… and eating with us… and sitting between us at the movie. I think she finally lost it when she realized I still share a room with Mom… and a bed… Oh well, I think the point is pretty clear. I’m not the smooth operator that Drew is or have the natural laughability that Alex has. I’m just your friendly neighborhood schmuck. I think me standing here, in front of people trying to be funny may be funnier than anything I could actually say. So, sorry if I’ve taken up to much of your time, I’ll get out of here, and let the actual funny guys take over, ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been wonderful, and I don’t deserve the praise. Good night.
Alex’s Script:
I know you are all expecting a funny skit from me showcasing how Drew loves him his jesus, and Bobino is just made of fail. But sadly, I can’t do that, I’m far to drunk to be acting today. So instead I’ve decided to go a different route and tell and honest to goodness joke, I pray you like it, I know you won’t.
Three byes walk into a bar, one is a Bad Ass Trash Talking Evil Resident Scientist or BUTTERS for short. One was the Deity Wrap-Around Espousing Weirdo or DREW. And the final was an Awesome Loved Ex........X. Because his name was Alex and nothing good comes from X, this is my joke doesn’t have to make sense, so fuck ya.
Anyway Drew, Butters, and Alex walk into the bar and the bartender asks them about yet another shitty show being put out being FMW called Slutvivors. The winner of the show was simple, whoever could whore themselves out the most to the judges would win the contest. Now being of opposite point of views on everything the three immediately jump into a debate about the best way to win the contest Well Drew and Butters did, Alex turned back to drinking a months worth of alcohol in thirty minutes. Drew argued that the only way to win a game like that was to pleasure the judges one by one, picking them off mercilessly, and constantly going after anyone that didn’t give in immediately, no matter how retarded a battle plan that may have been. Where as Butters believed it was best to work together with a group of friends to pleasure as many of the judges as possible. One works the shaft, the other the twins, another gives him a hummer and so forth.
Alex had passed out face down in a puddle of beer by this point.
Now this heated argument eventually took it’s natural course with Drew telling Butters he will burn in hell and Butters making an elaborate scheme that almost succeeded in punching Drew in the face, but managed to fail at the last minute. The two fought, battled and bled around the bar. Both utterly convinced that their way to win Slutvivor was the right one, willing to backstab a friend to prove themselves right. After an hour or so the two collapsed, dead from wounds unimaginable and yet hilarious. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, beer bottled, orifices, you get the idea, yeah you do.
Anyway Alex finally wakes from his drunken stupor and sees the mess the two had made and immediately does the proper thing. He raids them for money to pay his massive bill and leave, humming eye of the tiger on the way out.
The moral of this story is, you can back stab and shout, bitch and whine, but you’ll never suspect the drunk guy who never really does anything.
That’s why I’m the eye of the tiger.
I mean survivor.
Fucking Rocky.:
Subject: The Results FINALLY!! 
Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:22 pm
