Alchemy 4.3 - RESULTS

Stone: Welcome one and all to FMW ALCHEMY! The greatest show in town!

Foxx: Spot on, Stone, and we've got one badass show tonight: We've got the first ever defence of the Ultraviolent title on Alchemy!

Stone: We've got two of the best teams in the world battling it out to take on SoCal at Ultimatum!

Foxx: Alex O'Rion and John "Doc" Derrick will be in the same ring at the same time!

Stone: Order takes on Chaos in the main event as Diabolical and Adrian fight it out for the prime spot in the Gold Card Gauntlet!

Foxx: And, best of all, Jaro does some really nasty shit to Celeste. And we get to watch! Both Jaro and this show are going to rape face!

Stone: Speak of the devil, our first match tonight is Jaro's defence of the UV title against Slegna. Let's bring it down to Buster Cherry for the intros.

"Sober" by Tool hits the sound system to an overwhelming Haas pop as Slegna makes his way out from behind the curtain

Cherry: Introducing first the challenger. He weighed in this morning at 215 lbs, and he hails from Seattle Washington...SSSssssssssssssssssssssllleeeeeeegnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

The fans barely respond

Cherry: I said... Ssssssssssssllleeeeegnnnaaaaaaaaa!!!!

Again, no response

Cherry: Ladies and gentlemen... Sssssssslleeeeeegnaaaaaa!!!!

The fans just shake their heads sadly.

Stone: No love for Slegna here tonight, it seems.

Foxx: I'm not surprised. Where's his pep? For starters, that entrance is nothing too spectacular. If I had to describe it, I'd say it looks like just your regular jobber going to the ring. This guy belongs in NEW.

Stone: Ouch

Foxx: Meh.

Suddenly, the crowd burst to life as the opening bars of Danzig's "Mother" echo around the arena. A figure steps out from beind the curtain and is literally buried under an avalanche of lingerie thrown by the Jaro-loving females in attendance. Shortly afterwards, Jaro emerges from behind the curtain, stepping over the mound of undergarments before kicking the pile over, revealing his lingerie-absorbing stunt double, who scutters to the back, having performed his duty.

Foxx: Looks like Jaro came well prepared tonight.

Cherry: And the Champion, he weighed in this morning at 220 lbs, and he hails from Halifax Nova Scotia... Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up, for Jaaaaaaaaarrrrrooooooo!!!!!!!!!

The crowd go wild, as Jaro soaks up the cheers, before turning his focus to Slegna in the ring. He slides under the bottom rope, but Slegna cuts him off, and begins clubbing at him with right hands, not allowing him to get up.

Stone: Slegna going straight to work on Jaro. Honestly, I think he's sick and tired of being the jobber around here.

Foxx: But he's so good at it!

Stone: Well, he might just catch Jaro off guard here. You'd better believe that the Alchemy owner has other things on his mind tonight.

Jaro stays down after the pummeling from Slegna, who slips to the outside to pick up a chair. Slegna waits until Jaro gets up, and then begins blasting him with the steel object.

Stone: Ouch! Jaro's brains are taking a scrambling here from Slegna, who seems to insist on pooping Mr. Roy's party

Foxx: Lol poop.

Slegna continues the beatdown, before heading outside again, this time inserting a ladder into the match.

Stone: And it's ladder time already here! Jaro has barely moved since the beginning of the match, and Slegna seems to have free reign to do what he wants here. Could the champ be in trouble right now, Foxx?

Foxx: Errr... it's Slegna.

Stone: You keep dismissing him, but it honestly looks like he's going for it in this match. He's laid Jaro out on the ladder,and he's ascending to the top rope.

Foxx: High risk coming up!

The challenger leaps off the top rope with a moonsault, but Jaro rolls off the ladder, and Slegna crashes into the steel, smashing his chest on the ladder's edge.

Stone: Crash and burn for Slegna!

Foxx: Finally, Jaro can get to taking control, and show us what should be happening in this match.

Stone: Well, it seems that Jaro is searching for a weapon of his own here, underneath the ring.

Jaro hunts under the apron for a while, before grinning, and pulling out a large hammer. A close up camera shot reveals the writing on the handle to read "BANHAMMER".

Stone: Jaro's got the Banhammer! He must be looking to drop the Banhammer on Slegna!

Foxx: Hooray! Sleg's going to get banned!

Stone: Don't you mean Banhammered?

Foxx: Whatever, it's still funny.

Jaro stands in the ring waiting for Slegna to get to his feet, and winding up the banhammer, preparing for a full-power shot. Slegna gets to his feet and Jaro goes to swing.

Foxx: Here it comes!

But Slegna manages to shift out of the way at the last minute. As Jaro's momentum carries him forward, Slegna grabs him from behind, and rolls him up with a school boy

Stone: Sleg's got him! Schoolboy!

One!

Foxx: But Jaro kicks out after one!

Much to the surprise of Slegna, Jaro jumps to his feet, and begins to shake violently, rapidly pumping his fists up and down, while stomping around the ring

Foxx: Please tell me he's not...

Stone: He's Jaro-ing up! Jaro is Jaro-ing up!!

Slegna tries to attack Jaro, but the champion is unfazed by the assault. As Slegna lands a third shot, Jaro waves his finger, warning him not to try it again. Unfortunately, Slegna goes for another punch, and Jaro counters it, flooring Slegna with a right of his own

Stone: Jaromania is running wild!

Foxx: Oh, sweet Jesus, have mercy. I'm almost sympathising with that scrub Slegna.

Jaro continues to Jaro up, somehow climbing a ladder while still shaking his arms up and down.

Stone: Jaro's going to fly here!

However, Slegna somehow manages to recover his bearings, and kicks the ladder with his feet, causing Jaro to lose his balance, his feet landing either side of the third rung down

Foxx: Ouch! Jaro just got crotched! Were it not for his balls of steel, he'd have had to cancel his plans for later tonight!

Sensing the advantage, Sleg gets to his feet, and blasts the helpless UV champ with the steel chair. With Jaro sufficiently incapacitated, Slegna heads out of the ring to fetch another ladder. He sets it up next to the ladder upon which Jaro remains trapped.

Stone: Slegna seems to be a man with a plan here Foxx. Any clue on what he's looking for?

Foxx: Nope.

Slegna loosens Jaro's leg from its trap. and lays both of Jaro's legs on a rung of the ladder. He then lays Jaro's upper back on the other ladder, at the same height, before separating the two ladders, so that Jaro forms a bridge between them, the lower half of his body resting on one, the upper half resting on the other.

Stone: Interesting idea from Slegna, and Jaro is in quite a dangerous situation here!

With Jaro set up, Slegna heads to the apron, and grabs on to top rope. Lining up his target, he leaps to the top, hitting a springboard splash, sending him, Jaro, and the ladders into a painful and unceremonious heap on the floor.

Foxx: Fuck!!! Jesus fuck! Slegna just pulled a brutal move right out of his hat! They could both be dead here!

Stone: Slegna's in no position to capitalise though! I think he hurt himself as much as he hurt his opponent with that move. They could both be seriously hurt.

Foxx: You know.. I'd take that as a positive outcome from this match

Stone: Well, you might be about to get your wish. It looks like the EMTs are heading out to ringside to check on these two men

The fans boo the abrupt ending of the match as the medical technicians head to the ring. However, as they start to check on the two injured competitors, Jaro suddenly kips up, apparently none the worse for where.

Stone: But Jaro's back up! The EMTs can't believe it!

Jaro looks suspiciously at the medical staff before picking his banhammer up off the ground. He raises one eyebrow to the camera before winding up, and striking one of the EMTs with the hammer. The rest abandon their attempt to help Slegna and flee to the backstage area

Stone: Banhammer!! Banhammer!! Jaro just banned the EMTs from ringside!

Foxx: This is utterly preposterous in every conceivable way.

As the medics flee, Jaro tosses the banhammer to the ground, and stands behind Slegna, waiting for him to get to his feet. Agonisingly slowly, Slegna pushes himself to a vertical base, as Jaro continues to stalk him from behind. As Slegna turns around, Jaro shows him two middle fingers, and follows up with the Stone Cold Stunner!

Stone: Stone Cold Stunner!! The Stone Cold Stunner!! You know what this means Foxx!!!

Foxx: I do, and I would very much like to die now.

Stone: It's time for Seventy Finishers!!

Slegna staggers around the ring, recoiling from the stunner, as Jaro stalks him once again, this time in the style of the Rock. As Slegna inevitably turns around, Jaro grabs him for an uranage, and nails the Rock Bottom

Foxx: Two down... sixty eight to go.

Stone: Jaro's reaching into his tights here! He's got Mr. Socko!

Foxx: ...

Stone: Mandible Claw! Mandible Claw!! Jaro shoving that sock down Slegna's throat, and now he's grabbing the legs, looking for the Sharpshooter!

Foxx: Please don't tell me you know the precise order in which the Seventy Finishers are performed...

Five minutes later

Stone: And Slegna just got turned inside out by that Clothesline from Hell.

Foxx: I'm not talking to you. Now, or ever again.

The beaten and bruised Slegna struggles to his feet, but Jaro cuts him off, and lifts him high into the air for a flapjack, before DDTing him on the way down

Stone: The Snapshot! The Snapshot!!

Foxx: Did Jaro just do a double team by himself?

Stone: Very much so.

Another Five minutes pass

Stone: And the 619 sends Slegna flying backwards.

Jaro climbs back between the ropes, and nails a T-Bone suplex on Slegna, still staggering around from the 619. He then applies an Anklelock to his opponent

Stone: And the Anklelock takes us up to 46 finishers performed!

Foxx: Now this is what I don't get. In order to do the rest of this move, Jaro has to release his opponent from the Ankle Lock. What the hell is the point in that? Slegna's about to tap, and Jaro just lets go so he can do a Pump Handle Slam. This is ridiculous!

Stone: It's Seventy Finishers, Foxx! Seventy Finishers!

Five further minutes go by.

Stone: And Jaro performs a Doomsday Device by himself! Texas cloverleaf now applied!

Jaro locks in the Texas Cloverleaf, but, before Sleg can tap, he spins around, and applies a Steiner Recliner.

Foxx: Is he done yet?

Stone: Not yet. But soon!

Jaro releases the submission, and picks Slegna up, nailing a Jacknife powerbomb, before hopping backwards

Foxx: No.

Stone: Yes! W! O! R! M! It's the Worm!

Jaro hits Slegna with The Worm, before heading up top rope, and nailing the Money Shot

Stone: We're on the home straight now, Foxx. Just two more left to do!

Bouncing to his feet, Alchemy's owner Springboards off the second rope for a flawless lionsult, before getting back to his feet and standing over Slegna's head

Stone: Here it comes! Part Seventy of the most electrifying move in sports entertainment!

Jaro goes to remove an elbow pad, but realises he isn't wearing any. However, he is soon struck by inspiration, and steals an elbow pad from Slegna, carefully putting it on before taking it off again, and throwing it into the crowd

Foxx: I don't know if I'm glad this is over or mortified that I witnessed it.

Jaro runs off the ropes, and nails the elbow drop on Slegna, to an enormous pop from the crowd. Finally, he makes the cover

One!

Two!!

Three!!!

Cherry: Your winner as the result of a pinfall, and STILL Ultraviolent Champion.... Jaaaaarrrroooooo!!!!

Jaro (4.2 aps + 1.4 avs = 5.6 total)
Slegna (3.25 aps + 0.1 avs = 3.35 total)

Stone: Well, there you have it. Seventy Finishers won the day with Jaro, and now he's off to claim his reward!

Jaro takes the UV title, and heads back up to the ramp, leaving behind the curtains. A few seconds, pass, and then a loud crashing is heard, as Jaro inadvertently drives the Jambulance through the stage. He looks around with shifty eyes, as if trying to see if anyone noticed his dangerous driving, before reversing back through the newly made hole, and heading off to pick up Celeste.

Stone: Let's hope he manages to get there safely...

We cut to Celseste's locker room backstage, where the young interviewer is getting ready, putting makeup on for her date with Jaro. Suddenly, one of the walls of her locker room caves in, courtesy of the Jambulance which just drove through it. Smiling, Jaro swings the passenger side door open, inviting Celeste in.

Jaro: Come, we have much to discuss.

Shrugging her shoulders, Celeste abandons her makeup mirror and joins Jaro in the Jambulance. Without giving her time to close the door, he reverses out of her locker room, and speeds off down the corridor backstage, almost running over a surprised Guybrush Threepwood as he speeds past. The Jambulance heads into the distance, smashing through the arena wall before heading out into the night.

The scene cuts to the back of the arena, where the SoCal Connection have taken over a large room in the back. In this room they have built a small stage, which is actually a few crates stacked on top of each other, and a makeshift desk, which consists of two tables put together, side by side. Upon seeing the two men sitting in the room, the Philly crowd immediately voices their displeasure…

Korran: Good evening ladies and Gentleman in…. Where the fuck are we Sublime:?

Sublime: Pittsburgh, Korran!

This draws even more boo’s from the crowd.

Sublime: Shit, my bad, we are actually in Philly.

Korran: Ah yes, the home of shitty cheeseteaks and even worse football.

The crowd begins a “Fuck You SoCal chant” that quickly picks up steam in the arena until it is chanted by everyone. The two boys just smile at each other for a few seconds before Korran motions for the crowd to quiet down.

Korran: Look, we know your cold, miserable and all wished you lived in a city that actually mattered, but don’t take that out on us. Instead, you all should feel honored that it is you all that will witness an FMW FIRST! THE SOCAL STARSEARCH!

The crowd reacts largely indifferent towards their announcement.

Sublime: Fuck you guys, at least we are more entertaining then Ed McMahon.

Korran: Now I’m sure as many of you know, my partner here is injured, hence why we are not competing tonight. Contrary to popular belief however, he was not injured in our encounter with the Last Militia at No Holds Barred.

Sublime: Korran’s correct.

Korran: What is keeping him out of action tonight is an injury that is much tougher to deal with. An Injury that if not given proper rest and care, could result in major disfiguration. I’m sure you’re all wondering if he is ok, and what exactly occurred.

Sublime: What happened was this. You see, while shopping for Syanide’s upcoming birthday at a Neo-Nazi store, Korran accidentally bumped into a shelf containing replica Nazi artifacts, putting his life in danger from the jew-hating falling artifacts. Without thinking I did what anyone would do for their brother, I threw myself towards him, in an attempt knock him out of the way and save him from a potentially afternoon-ending experience. Unfortunately I myself wasn’t able to avoid the falling artifacts and was drilled in the foot by a falling Nazi Helmet. The Helmet landed directly on my toe and caused this to happen..

Sublime lifts up his right leg, which is completely covered by a cast, all the way up to his knee.

Korran: The doctor said it was a stage 27 fracture, the worst of its kind. He’s actually lucky to be alive. Needless to say, he is in no condition to wrestle. Unfortunately, I am not either; I am overcome with grief at the fact that my partner sustained a life threating injury because of me and I bear to much of an emotional burden to compete tonight.

Sublime: Because of these unfortunate series of events, and the fact that management still demands that we take part in the show, we have decided to present you with the first ever, SoCAAAALLLL STARSEARCH!!!!!

Korran: The premise is simple. Tonight we will have three Superstars competing for the rights call themselves the first ever SoCal StarSearch winner or winners. Auditions were held earlier today to see who would compete tonight. We of course blew-off those auditions and hired a homeless guy named Mookie to do the selections. Each contestant will have 3 minutes to showcase their “talent” and the winner will be chosen by myself and Sublime. Once a winner is chosen he will be presented with this award!

Korran gestures to the end of the table, where their sits something covered up by a white sheet, presumably the award for the evening.

Sublime: So without any further ado, because quite frankly, I’m getting bored, let’s get this shit started!

Korran picks up a card off the table and begins to read it.

Korran: Our first contestant…Ah fuck I hate this guy.

Korran shows the card to Sublime.

Sublime: I thought he got fired?

Korran: Guess we couldn’t be so lucky. Ladies and Gentleman, Skeetster.

Sublime: That’s Sheepster

The door swings open and in walks Sheepster. As soon as he enters the room the crowd immediately starting a “don’t fire sheep chant” out in the arena.

Korran: Ok Beatster, let’s see what you got.

Sheepster: As many of you all know, I used to be a former musician and still possess great musical talent. I’ve decided to put that talent towards something useful and write a song that I will be performing tonight.

Sublime: JUST GET ON WITH IT.

Sheepster: I call this, “The Fleece beneath your wings”

Sheep grabs a guitar from a stage hand, quickly tunes it and begins strumming gently.

Once upon a time, not so long ago.
I made a tremendous mistake, I decided to no-show.
It was a poor decision, and one that was made with haste.
And now I stand in balance, my career pontentially to go to waste!!!!

So I stand before you, to ask you now,
Please don’t fire me the Sheeeeeeeep
I’ll do whatever you want me to,
Because I’m the fleece beneath your wings!!

Before he can begin his second verse, sounds of laughter are heard coming from the table as Korran and Sublime seem to be having a hard time keeping a straight face.

Korran: What the fuck was that?

Sheep: I….

Sublime: Suck? Yea we know. I havn’t heard sounds that horrific from a barnyard animal since the last time we heard Mercutio fucking a goat in his dressing room.

Korran: So that would be since when, Thursday?

Sublime: Thursday it was Harlequin, and I think it actually was a small pony, not a goat.

Korran: Anyway, Sheep, that blew. Get the fuck off our stage and go get fired or something.

A dejected Sheep quickly walks off the stage and out the door. As the scene fades to black.

Cherry: The following match is a Fatal Five Way Elimination Match for a spot in the Gold Card Gauntlet.

Stone: And we're definitely nearing Ultimatum with matches like this.

Foxx: Yes we are, we have five superstars battling it out in front of us, for a spot in that Gold Card Gauntlet, I feel like Julius Caesar, sitting in a front
row seat whilst men fight for their lives, and for my recognition, it's almost sexual, in a way.

Stone: You. You're a raging homosexual.

Foxx: Hey, wai-

Stone: No, don't say anything, it was already set in stone that you were gay when you compared yourself to a toga wearing hedonist.

Foxx: [sad face]

"The Whirlpool of Transient Life" by Noriyuki Asakura plays as the arena descends into darkness.

Foxx: Hold me, Stone.

Stone: Let me guess, you're afraid of the dark?

Foxx: Uh. Yeah. Lets go with that.

A crack of smoke is seen in the center of the ring and the lights come back on to see Orochi standing in the middle of the ring.

Foxx: Orochi sure is sneaky.

Stone: Well yeah, he is a ninja, they're masters of the shadows and shit like that.

Foxx: But will that translate into a spot in the Gold Card Gauntlet? Only time will tell.

Stone: Oh, I didn't know you became the generic commentator, got any other pearls for the audience?

Foxx: This will be a competitive match.

Stone: *sigh*

Cherry: Standing in the ring, he hails from Japan-

Foxx: Obviously.

Stone: Shhhh, he's announcing.

Cherry: He stands here tonight at 210lbs, this. Is. Orochi!

Orochi's theme cuts out and is instantly replaced with "Brianstorm" by The Arctic Monkeys. The crowd explodes with cheers of "Don't Trade Sheep" as Sheepster steps out towards the ring.

Foxx: I've been hearing rumors that Sheepster is on the trade block.

Stone: Wow, Captain Obvious, does that come as surprising to you?

Foxx: Well yes, I only just discovered http://www.fullmetalwrestling.com/

Stone: I try to avoid that backstage nonsense, it ruins the business.

Foxx: Yeah, we say frightful things about your mother.

Stone: You have a small dick.

Foxx: Does your mother tell you everything?

Stone: *sigh*

Announcer: Walking to the ring, from Cardiff, Wales, he weighs in at 215lbs, this. Is. Sheepster!

Sheepster steps into the ring and throws t-shirts to the crowd, his theme cuts off into "Heaven is an Orgasm" by Lords of Acid. The light turns bright, causing the audience to turn away from the entrance ramp, the light subsides and Neutron Star appears on the ramp.

Foxx: Wow. That's the most amazing entrance I've ever seen!

Stone: (Imitating Foxx) Pretty lights make Foxx happy. *clap* *clap* *clap*

Foxx: I hope that isn't a knock on simple-minded people, my mother was like that.

Stone: Your mother is a fox. Pun intended.

Foxx: Ouch.

Cherry: Coming to you live, from Irregular Galaxy IC 10, which I believe is located in Missoura, at a weight of 190lbs, NEUTRON... Staaaaar!


Neutron Star jumps into the ring and stares towards the other two competitors. His theme song subsides and then is replaced with "Hockey Monkey" by The Zambonis, Guybrush Threepwood comes out and begins to play to the crowd's cheers, before he gets a chance to walk down to the ring though, Gabriel Lance runs out to the audience and soaks in Guybrush's cheers, which quickly turn to boos. Guybrush turns to see what is happening and sees Gabriel instead mouthing abuse to the audience.

Stone: And we might be seeing the first punch of the night, before the bell even rings.

Foxx: Do it! Do it now!

Stone: You're like a child.

Foxx: You're like a... gay.

Stone: Your wit is unparalled.

Foxx: Your gay is unparalled.

Guybrush looks ready to punch Lance, but instead, he merely continues to strut to the ring, followed by Lance.

Stone: What an anti-climax.

Announcer: Currently walking to the ring, firstly, from Melee Island, at a weight of 211lbs, Guybrush Threepwood, and following him, from Hollywood, California, at a weight of 235lbs, he wants you to know that he is "Excellence Personified" This. Is. Gaaabriel! Lance!

Stone: And all five competitors have been announced and it looks like it's time for the match to go underway.

Foxx: Ding, Ding, and there's the bell. It's anyone’s game now.

Stone: And Guybrush Threepwood has just exploded from the start, and he's unleashing some serious right hands on Gabriel Lance.

Foxx: And Gabriel Lance is barely even trying to protect himself from those punches.

Stone: Well, he's guarding his face, and I guess that's all that matters to him.

Foxx: And at the same time we have Neutron Star and Orochi battling it out in the corner. Orochi with a swift kick and Neutron comes crashing down into the turnbuckle, could be lights out for him. Geddit? Lights out? He's a star? Huh?

Stone: Don't quit your day job.

Foxx: I work at night.

Stone: *sigh* And Sheepster has now gotten himself involved with Gabriel Lance and Guybrush Threepwood. It looks as if Sheep is looking for Spare Ribs on Gabriel Lance.

Foxx: If he hits it, it'll be the end of him for sure.

Stone: Here he comes, Sheep's running forward, trying for the Spare Ribs, but Lance moving out of the way and Sheepster gets a heavy shoulder of metal for his trouble.

Foxx: He's clever, Lance, he knows exactly how to time his movements to maximise injury to his opponent.

Stone: And Lance seems to be stalking Sheepster now, but Threepwood won't have any of it, full nelson from behind on Gabriel Lance and Threepwood is holding on for dear life.

Foxx: That'll buy everyone some time.

Stone: And on the other side of the ring, Neutron Star is getting in control over Orochi, strikes to the Oriental Assassin, and Neutron Star with a judo toss on Orochi, throwing him to the center of the ring.

Foxx: He's fast.

Stone: Lightning fast.

Foxx: But is he Ninja Fast?

Stone: We'll soon find out. Neutron Star bouncing off the ropes and coming back towards Orochi.

Foxx: What's he going for?

Stone: Looks like a running leg-drop, but Orochi rolls out of the way and rolls Neutron Star up in the middle of the ring, Ninja Speed > All.

1...

2...

...NO!

Stone: And Neutron Star finding it possible to kick out at two. Orochi is back up on his feet again and stomping away on Neutron Star. But wait! Threepwood has been caught out by Lance, and Lance is about to throw Threep across the ring!

Foxx: Clear the launch pad!

Stone: And Guybrush Threepwood is thrown across the ring, colliding with Orochi!

Foxx: Damn Pirates! Always ruining Ninja's plans.

Stone: Oh please don't bring this topic up again.

Foxx: Fine, Lance is the only one standing, he's in a position of power, now.

Stone: Don't speak so soon, Sheepster is up also, and he looks mad, here he comes, Sheepster with a running shoulder into the skull of Gabriel Lance, and Lance is thrown like a rag-doll to the ground. Sheepster still is furious! Running leg-drop to the sternum of Lance, followed up by a side-headlock.

Foxx: And on the other side of the ring, the masses are stirring. Orochi manages to roll out from under Threepwood, only to be picked up by Neutron Star.

Stone: And Star doesn't look too happy.

Foxx: Well, nobody likes getting stomped.

Stone: Good point. Orochi trying to fight away from Neutron's clutches, he manages to roll away and trip Neutron up, but Star is straight back up, Orochi runs to the corner and looks set to fly.

Foxx: Those ninjas are crafty.

Stone: Orochi flying forward towards Neutron Star from the corner to the center of the ring! BUT NEUTRON COUNTERS! MID-AIR COUNTER! NEUTRON CONNECTS WITH THE PHENOMENOM!

Foxx: How the hell did he do that?

Stone: And Neutron Star manages to abide by the rules of wrestling, while also breaking the rules of physics and gravity, Orochi looks knocked out after that one.

Foxx: Neutron Star with the cover.

1...

2...

...3!

Announcer: Orochi has been eliminated.

Stone: Nice try, but no thanks, it's now four men remaining and it's still anyone’s ballgame.

Foxx: Well, not Orochi.

Stone: lol.

Foxx: Threepwood is back up, and he is looking to go help Sheepster finish off Lance.

Stone: But Neutron Star doesn't think so! Neutron Star, still riding the momentum pushes Threepwood into the corner and starts laying out on him with furious fists.

Foxx: Ouch.

Stone: Ouch indeed, and Sheepster still has control over Lance, he brings Lance to his feet and seems to be aiming for Spare Ribs once more.

Foxx: Here we go!

Stone: Sheepster on the run, but, what the hell? Gabriel Lance nailed Sheepster in the crotch!

Foxx: His only weakness.

Stone: Did the ref see?

Foxx: No. It looks like he was pre-occupied with Neutron Star and Threepwood.

Stone: And the crotched Sheepster is about to fall over, I cannot imagine the pain he's in.

Foxx: I got a hammer out back, I can help you get a 'feel' for it.

Stone: No thank you.

Foxx: Damn.

Stone: Well, by hook or by crook, Gabriel Lance is back in control of this match, he's even found time to taunt to the crowd.

Foxx: (swooning) Is there anything he can't do?

Stone: Avoid homosexual advances.

Foxx: Well, he is quite a handsome man.

Stone: Your latent man-love is a matter for another day, Foxx, Lance is now finished taunting and has turned his eyes to the downed Sheepster. He lifts him up and puts him in for "Excellence".

Foxx: Think Sheep can break out?

Stone: I think Sheep is still making sure his 'equipment' is in check. Lance nails it, and follows it up with a cover.

1...

2...

...3!

Announcer: Sheepster has been eliminated.

Stone: And the Welsh Wondersheep has been eliminated, I have to wonder what is going through his head right now?

Foxx: "Ouch, my testicles."

Stone: Wonderful. With Sheepster gone, Threepwood has lost his only ally out there, it may just become two-on-one on Guybrush Threepwood.

Foxx: Where is Threep anyway?

Stone: Neutron Star has him backed up in the corner, he's lifting him up onto the top rope, this could be big, Foxx.

Foxx: But Threepwood is putting up a fight, unlike Stone's mother.

Stone: He's really giving it to Star, like I did to Foxx's wife.

Foxx: And Threepwood pushes Neutron Star down to the floor and connects with a flying splash.

Stone: Here's the cover.

Foxx: But Lance breaks it up?

Stone: It's definitely two on one, now, Foxx.

Foxx: Excellent.

Stone: And Gabriel Lance, happy with his work, is retreating to the corner for a break.

Foxx: A well deserved one, if you ask me.

Stone: That's good, considering nobody asked you, please go back being quiet in the corner.

Foxx: It's so cold on this half of the announcer desk.

Stone: You bring a tear to a glass eye.

Dr. David Diabolical steps out onto the entrance ramp, Gold Card Gauntlet Briefcase in hand, he watches the match with a keen eye.

Foxx: Wait, is that Dr. David Diabolical?

Stone: The Smartest Man in the FMW has found his way to the entrance ramp.

Foxx: Is he gonna get involved?

Stone: Of course not, he's too smart for that.

Foxx: Well then what is he here to do?

Stone: If you ask me, he's here to watch, and he may see some sparks now! Neutron Star is up, and he has Threepwood up for a brainbuster!

Foxx: But Threepwood slips out and kicks Neutron in the shins, that has gotta hurt!

Stone: But Lance runs in from behind and decks Threepwood again, this is bullshit, Threep can't come back if he keeps getting put down by Lance.

Foxx: He won't have to worry, Lance is having another breather.

Stone: This is bullshit. Neutron Star is having his work done for him.

Foxx: Well, at least someone is enjoying this, look at that smile on Diabolical's face.

Stone: He's definitely having a fun time up there. Neutron Star has Threepwood up again, and he whips him towards the ropes. Threep comes running back and slides beneath Neutron Star's legs. Gabriel Lance is coming back from the corner to get involved.

Foxx: Come on, Lance!

Stone: Lance picks up Threep and holds him steady, and Neutron Star runs to the corner, he turns around, stares at Threep, and sprints forward, aiming a kick at the cranium of Guybrush Threepwood.

Foxx: This is a concussion shot coming, I can feel it. When you've been hit so many times, you just know when it's coming.

Stone: And Threepwood dodges! The kick nails Gabriel Lance and sends him to the outside.

Foxx: ...Fuck.

Stone: Threepwood dives over Neutron Star and rolls him up from behind, grabbing the ropes in the process.

Foxx: He can't do that! He should be disqualified, he's a lie, he's a cheat, he's a...

Stone: Pirate?

Foxx: ...Oh. Yeah. Well, I don't like it.

1...

2...

...3!

Announcer: Neutron Star has been eliminated!

Stone: And then there were two.

Foxx: The plot is thick.

Stone: And Dr. Diabolical does not look happy with the last two men.

Foxx: He's weighing the odds, deciding what he should do about them at Ultimatum.

Stone: And Threepwood should be doing the same, he still needs to stave off Gabriel Lance.

Foxx: I bet Lance is thinking the same thing.

Stone: And both men are back up and in the ring.

Foxx: Here we go.

Stone: The battle for the spot in the Gauntlet is on!

Foxx: It's been on for ten minutes.

Stone: Well, it's more ON! Threepwood and Lance exchanging blows in the middle of the ring, both showing signs of tiredness following the exertion in the ring.

Foxx: And Gabriel Lance with a chop across Threepwood's chest, and I think they heard that in the nosebleed section!

Stone: Ouch! Lance with a headlock, combined with some stern shots to the face, Threepwood is in between a rock and a hard place.

Foxx: ...Oh, I get it.

Stone: Good for you. Threepwood trying to get out of the headlock, three shots to the stomach but Lance isn't moving anywhere; Threep needs to escape, now.

Foxx: Now you're the one being Captain Obvious.

Stone: No, no, I'm doing play-by-play. There's a difference. Threepwood dragging Lance back to the ropes and Threep manages to get a leg on the ropes.

Foxx: But Lance is holding that lock on for as long as he can do it without a DQ. That's just clever wrestling, if you ask me.

Stone: Yes, Lance is bending the rules in order to make it for himself tonight.

Foxx: He'll need to get used to rule breaking if he wants to survive the Gauntlet, he'll be facing Anarchists as well.

Stone: On the other hand, we have Threepwood, who can break rules with the best of them. Threep with a thumb to the eye of Gabriel Lance, the ref doesn't look too happy, but the fans are, and that's all that matters.

Foxx: I'm getting a warm feeling in my gut.

Stone: Compassion?

Foxx: No. Kidney stones.

Stone: We'll discuss that later, Threepwood with a running neckbreaker on Gabriel Lance, quick cover by Threep.

1...

2...

...NO!

Stone: He can't win that easily.

Foxx: No, he'll need more than that to put Lance away.

Stone: But Gabriel Lance with his own inside cradle pin, Lance has a hand on the tights!

1...

2...

...NO!!!!!!!

Stone: Another quick escape. The referee saw those tights being grabbed and broke the pin, he's having a stern word with Gabriel Lance in the middle of the ring.

Foxx: This is bad for Lance, he's giving Threepwood time to get back up.

Stone: And it may come back to haunt him.

Foxx: Threepwood is back on his feet and he's playing to the crowd.

Stone: And they're loving every second of it! Gabriel Lance turns to see Threepwood standing there, he goes for a clothesline but Threepwood dodges it and returns with a kick to the gut of Gabriel Lance! Here we go, Threep, here we go!

Foxx: No! Gabe! Fight it!

Stone: Threepwood has him up, "GO 2 THREEP", what a huge hit! Here we go, the crowd is screaming Threep's name, cover!

1...

2...

...3!!!!!!

Cherry: Your winner, via a pinfall, Guybrush Threepwood!

Guybrush Threepwood (4.45 aps + 0.95 avs = 5.4 total)
Gabriel Lance (4.25 aps + 0.25 avs = 4.5 total)
Neutron Star (4.18 aps + 0.15 avs = 4.33 total)
Sheepster (4.18 aps + 0.1 avs = 4.28 total)
Orochi (4.0 aps + 0.05 avs = 4.05 total)

"Hockey Monkey" by The Zambonis plays as Threepwood plays to the crowd while Dr. David Diabolical looks on with disgust towards him. Diabolical spits towards Threepwood and walks off, the briefcase in hand.

A screech of tyres is heard as the Jambulance careers into the restaurant car park. The bizarre vehicle skids violently across the tarmac as terrified patrons leap out of its path of destruction. Jaro then executes a handbrake turn, spinning the Jambulance to an eventual halt across four handicap parking spaces. Celeste unsteadily emerges from the vehicle, her face a shade of green.

Celeste: Ugh... I... I feel...

As Celeste gags, (and probably not for the last time tonight) Jaro exits the Jambulance and throws his car keys high in the air. They collide with a pigeon in mid-air, activating the auto lock button on the keys, before falling back to earth and being nonchalantly caught in Jaro's inside jacket pocket. Jaro brushes a destroyed part of the Wachovia Centre's walling from his vehicle's bonnet and ushers Celeste inside the restaurant.

Celeste: Well, this looks like a nice place.

Jaro: Word.

Celeste: Did you book?

Jaro: Triple word score, yo. Hey moustache, table for two!

A clean-shaven waiter catches Jaro's request and scurries over, a single eyebrow raised.

Jaro: You, moustache. Table for two, chop chop.

Waiter: Sir... I don't have a moustache.

Jaro: But you're a waiter...

Waiter: ...

Jaro: ...I don't follow. Anyway, lead on.

The waiter takes Celeste the few steps to their table. Jaro begins to follow, but stops after a few feet. Puzzled, he retraces his steps and tries walking forwards again, but again seems dissatisfied and calls the waiter back.

Jaro: Where's my music, moustache?

Waiter: Your what now, sir?

Jaro: My theme music. Where Jaro walks, Jaro's music plays. Now hop to it!

The harried waiter is of course aware of what Jaro's theme song is, and makes his way over to the house jazz band, who immediately launch into an ad hoc ska version of Mother by Danzig. Jaro nods solemnly, and makes his way to the table, but he walks past Celeste and does a lap of the resaurant, slapping hands with the other customers. He stops at a long table, climbing on top and putting one foot in a bowl of minestrone soup. There Jaro raises his Ultraviolent title above his head in celebration, showing it off to the terrified patrons. Finally, he jumps down and takes his side opposite Celeste.

Waiter: May I get you anything to drink, sir?

Jaro: Oh, I'll just have a beer.

Waiter: Certainly. A bottle or a glass?

Jaro: A case.

Waiter: ... of course, sir. And madam was having the rosé wine. And what would you both like to eat tonight?

Jaro: A steak. Wait, make that four steaks, and each one must be steakier than the last. Oh, and some chicken nuggests for my date, thank you moustache.

Celeste: Um... Jaro, I'm vegetarian.

Jaro: Right you are. Moustache, make the lady's order some prime ribs instead.

The waiter bows politely and takes the order out to the kitchen. With a childish smirk, Jaro leans over to Celeste and raises his voice so the entire restaurant can hear him.

Jaro: Of course, you're going to be having some Canadian sausage later tonight, if you catch my drift. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

Celeste: You know, you're not actually meant to SAY 'wink wink'. You just... wink.

Jaro: But then how will everyone else hear?

A voice is heard through darkness.

That which doesn't kill you...

Soft breathes.

Makes you stronger.

Breathing hard.

Hostyle....

I really want to whisper this in your ear.

You expected me to say that I'll fucking tear you apart. I'm not like you anymore, Jose. You expect me to get revenge. You expect me to want your blood.

Chuckle from the darkness.

Well, I do. I'm learning to suppress those feelings. The faces of Justice wouldn't allow such a hatred.

The beauty to one side of my face is shown from the darkness.

One side of me... One side of me wants to take pity upon you. One side of me wants to give you a hand and bring you from the darkness. This side of me. He's the side you'll be begging to see.

The Prince of Pretty, if you can call him that anymore, moves completely out of the light.

There's a dark side to everyone....

The burnt flesh of the other half of the face seems emotionless through the scars and distorted skin. Hair falling out. Eye darkened.

Lucky for you, Hostyle, I've been learning to control this.... Dark side. The faces of Justice have helped me control it. Hostyle, they are the reason I'm not going to end your life.

Another chuckle

It's not just Hostyle, though... He did this to me.

Signals to the scarred portion of his face.

But there was another... Dr. Diabolical. I called you friend. N.M.E. I called you family. The faces of Justice... They've taught me to rid myself of such labels.

Hostyle, The faces of Justice are the reason I won't end you. And don't think I can't. I've beaten you once. Jose, I can do it again. You left me in a pool of blood, so perhaps you were the winner. Hostyle, our fates will cross paths once again. I just hope my training has been enough. Pray for me, Jose. I'll be praying for you.

Prince Janus Flare leaves back to the darkness.

The shot changes back to the announce booth.

Stone: Well that was creepy.

Foxx: I think I wet myself.

Beethoven’s "Fifth Symphony" hits. The crowd goes ballistic as Guiomar walks out from behind the curtain, accompanied by Servante.

Cherry: Ladies and gentleman, this next matchup is scheduled for 1 fall. Introducing first, he is the C4 Champion… King Guiomar!

Stone: The champ is here!

Foxx: The champ shouldn’t even be a champion tonight! I mean for god’s sake Stone, he just barely walked out of that match with Dalby Sound at No Holds Barred with his title intact.

Stone: There’s no doubt that Guiomar and Sound put on a classic showing at No Holds Barred… and they will probably do so again the next time they meet. But tonight Guiomar faces a tough opponent in the ever innovative Hostyle!

Jay-Z & Eminem’s “Renegade” hits. Hostyle comes out from behind the curtain to a chorus of boos. He’s wearing a T-Shirt that reads “Fuck your Superkick”.

Cherry: Introducing the opponent. He is the Master of Innovation… Hostyle!

Foxx: In my opinion, Hostyle has the edge tonight. The kid’s hungry for success after what happened at No Holds Barred. He wants to show off his innovation!

Stone: Remember though folks that Hostyle has to use the Superkick at least once though, because of his loss to Sheepster at No Holds Barred.

Foxx: I’m sure Hostyle will think of an innovative way to do it.

Stone: How do you innovatively superkick someone? Anyway, the match is about to go underway!

Hostyle and Guiomar approach each other in the ring. As the ring bell sounds Guiomar holds his hand together to grab the head of Hostyle… but Hostyle quickly goes for a jab to the jaw. Hostyle follows it up with a spinning elbow, knocking Guiomar around. As the King is still dazed, Hostyle jumps and delivers a dropkick, sending Guiomar a few feet towards the ropes.

Stone: What a way for this kid Hostyle to start it out. He’s on the offensive immediately. As he approaches Guiomar, who’s still got his back turned, he’s met with a stiff elbow to the forehead.

Foxx: Guiomar running and clotheslining Hostyle to the ground. As Hostyle gets up, he walks into another clothesline… and then another. Guiomar now going for a supplex…

Stone: But as he lifts Hostyle up, Hostyle lifts his leg up for the block. Hostyle with repeated knees to the midsection, forcing Guiomar to let go. Hostyle grabbing Guiomar’s head and walking him towards the turnbuckle. 1…2…3…4 He just nailed Guiomar into that turnbuckle 4 times. As Guiomar shakily steps backward. Hostyle jumping on the ropes… and delivering an Asai moonsault!

Foxx: See what I told you? Nobody can stop this kid from getting the win tonight.

Stone: Hostyle approaching the fallen body of Guiomar… and delivers a jumping spin around leg drop… Guiomar clutches his throat in agony from the move. Hostyle walking towards the turnbuckle… and jumping up onto it with ease. He’s waiting for Guiomar to get up.

Foxx: This better work… its called High Risk for a reason.

Stone: Guiomar getting to his feet… as he turns around Hostyle leaps with a cross body… but Guiomar caught him in mid-air… using the momentum to powerslam him straight into the mat!

Foxx: Oh god… that had to hurt! Guiomar with the cover!

1…2…NO!

Stone: So close! Hostyle kicking out at the two count. What a move by Guiomar who has now gotten back into this match!

Foxx: Hah! Not for long, man. You need to look at this objectively. A man is judged by the company he keeps. Hostyle hangs with Doctor David Diabolical, a true wrestling specialist and a mastermind! Guiomar hangs out with that filthy pirate Guybrush Threepwood.

Stone: You’re a douche. Guiomar just nailed the rising Hostyle with a nail crunching spear. As Hostyle gets up Guiomar nails an uppercut, moving his opponent back into the turnbuckle. Repeated blows by Guiomar being landed. Finally he grabs the arm, throwing Hostyle into the opposite turnbuckle.

Foxx: Guiomar now charging in and landing a clothesline on Hostyle in that turnbuckle… that will leave some marks! He’s stepping back now…

Stone: He’s charging in once more… But Hostyle grabbing the ropes and lifting himself up, grabbing hold of Guiomar’s head with his legs. Hostyle spinning himself around to deliver a nail crunching hurricanrana on Guiomar.

Foxx: Innovative. I’m impressed. Hostyle’s going for the cover…

1…2…NO!

Foxx: … and damnit, Guiomar’s not ready to give up yet. Only a matter of time though.

Stone: What’s your beef with Guiomar?

Foxx: I placed a bet on him that he would beat Dalby Sound at No Holds Barred. He drew… so I lost a considerable amount of money.

Stone: Again? Didn’t you learn your lesson last time this happened? You’re an idiot.

Foxx: You’re retarded.

Stone: *sigh* Hostyle stomping away at Guiomar repeatedly. He executes a perfect standing moonsault straight onto the King and then immediately raps Guiomar’s own hand around his neck. Guiomar being choked out by his own arm. Only an innovator like Hostyle could think of that. As Hostyle holds onto the hands, he gets himself into position and then rams his knee into Guiomar’s back. Oh my god… by increasing the pressure on Guiomar’s arms, he’s also weakening the back!

Foxx: That’s what I’m talking about! Hostyle just keeps on increasing the pressure. How long can Guiomar hold out here?

Stone: Guiomar’s face starting to get bleak… clearly he’s being weakened by the lack of oxygen. Guiomar struggling… and his eyes just closed. The referee grabbing hold of Guiomar’s free hand. If he can drop it three times then Hostyle will pick up the win!

The referee drops Guiomar’s hand once and it falls to the floor.

Stone: That’s one!

The referee repeats the motion and once again, no sign of life from Guiomar.

Stone: That’s two!

Foxx: Hostyle’s taking this one!

The referee raises the hand and lets go… and Guiomar holds on. He starts struggling to get out of the submission manoeuvre. Guiomar uses his free arm and nails an elbow to the head of Hostyle… as the maneuvre’s grip is momentarily weakened, Guiomar struggles up to his feet and lifts Hostyle onto his back. He furiously runs back into the turnbuckle, but Hostyle clutches on. Grabbing hold of the head, he furiously pulls and manages to throw ‘Style to the ground… coughing and wretching as he gets air again.

Stone: Guiomar looks furious. He’s picking Hostyle up now and… a headbutt straight to Hostyle’s face. He’s putting him into position… and nails a piledriver. Hostyle’s head just bounced off of the floor! Guiomar taking a moment to stare at the crowd… and they’ve started a chant!

Crowd: Go High Risk! Go High Risk!

Foxx: Guiomar would be stupid if he listens to the crowd on this one… he’s too big for a High Risk manoeuvre.

Stone: Guiomar seems to be contemplating what the crowd is saying… and he’s going for it! Guiomar climbing the turnbuckle… waiting for Hostyle to get up!

Foxx: This is going to end badly for one of those two in the ring…

Stone: Hostyle is on his feet shakily… as he turns around he notices Guiomar waiting for him. Hostyle grabbing the referee and shoving him into the ropes! Guiomar landing awkwardly there!

Foxx: No man should endure that! Oh the humanity!

Stone: Hostyle pulling himself up onto the middle rope near Guiomar. He’s holding on… and what’s he doing? Hostyle vaulting himself off the ropes and nailing the mandatory superkick! Hostyle just knocked Guiomar over backwards from the ropes onto the concrete floor! The crowd coming alive!

Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

Foxx: Oh god… I have to echo the crowds sentiments there… Hostyle pulled that move out of nowhere. He’s being forced to use Cock Jockey moves… but this only points towards the sheer innovation this young man has. He realized that he couldn’t innovate the move… but he could sure as hell innovate the execution!

Stone: Hostyle now rolling out of the ring and drags the damn near unconscious Guiomar up, throwing him back into the ring. Hostyle going for the cover…

ONE… TWO… THRE…NO!

Stone: Oh my god! Guiomar got his arm up… but only just barely! This match is still underway!

Foxx: How in the blue hell did he do that? Hostyle is getting up and has his hands in his head. He’s clearly frustrated! Don’t give up there ‘Style! Wait… who’s that walking down the entrance ramp?

Stone: Oh my god… It’s Flare! Flare is walking towards the ring slowly, staring a hole straight into Hostyle. Hostyle not looking away either! Guiomar is struggling to his feet!

Foxx: Turn around Hostyle! Turn around!

Stone: Hostyle making taunts at Flare now… and Guiomar grabs him by the shoulder, spinning him around. Imperial Decree! Imperial Decree! The cover!

1…2…3!

Cherry: Ladies and Gentleman here is your winner of the match via pinfall… King Guiomar!
King Guiomar (4.25 aps + 0.8 avs = 5.05 total)
Hostyle (4.17 aps + 0.7 avs = 4.87 total)

Foxx: Guiomar just stole one! Flare now getting into the ring and looking down at Hostyle!

Stone: As King GUiomar makes his way up the ramp, someone races by him! Who is that?

Foxx: Its… Neutron Star! Neutron just slides into the ring and Flare is oblivious of his presence, standing over Hostyle! Star just nailed a low blow to Flare! As Flare falls over, Star helps Hostyle to his feet.

Stone: Hostyle looks stunned at everything that’s happened! He put on a damn near epic match with Guiomar which could’ve gone either way… but I’m betting ‘Style feels he had this thing won! Both men stomping away at Flare!

Foxx: What a beatdown! They’re just raining down blows on him! Where’s star going?

Neutron Star goes to the outside and takes a steel chair. Rolling back into the ring he talks to Hostyle for a few seconds.

Foxx: What do these two have planned. Star grabbing hold of Flare and shoving the steel chair into his face… What’s Hostyle going to do… Oh my god! Superkick straight to the steel chair. Flare’s face just pouring blood! Yet another innovative way to use the superkick! Hostyle grabbing a microphone.

Hostyle: Damn you Flare! Damn you! Dangerous by Design was greatness… and then you went and became a quitter! I loathe you for that!

Hostyle looks over at Neutron Star.

Hostyle: Allow me to officially introduce you to the newest member of N.M.E… Neutron Star. Star is stronger… he’s faster… he’s smarter than Flare and he will be a better partner than him too!

Star nods towards Hostyle, giving Flare another vicious kick to the head.

Hostyle: Do you enjoy the taste of your own blood, Flare? Get used to it! This beat down will be nothing compared to what I will do to you at Ultimatum. I accept your challenge!

With that Hostyle drops the microphone and he and Neutron leave the ring with the EMT’s racing to help Flare.

Our scene again returns to the “SoCal Studio,” where the boys are conducting the first ever SoCal StarSearch.

Sublime: Welcome back, our next contestant is Alchemy’s own Ni…

Before he can finish an area of smoke suddenly engulfs the stage and a figure dressed in black appears, a figure soon recognizable as Orochi. Beside him sits a very unusual instrument, one that is not recognizable by anyone in the room of an audience.

Sublime: Damn that’s a cool entrance. Now what the hell is that thing beside you?

Orochi: This is a Theramin. It was one of the earliest electronic instruments ever invented. We ninjas are masters at Thermains, which do not require touch to be played, allowing us to play beautifully, yet still remain stealthy. This gives us a huge advantage over pirates.

Korran: Yea, that’s great, but you’re starting to bore me. We all know what happens when we get bored. Now what the fuck are you going to use that thing for.

Orochi: I will be using this to perform a piece that is held sacred by Ninja across the world. I’m sure many of you hearing it will recognize it immediately.

Sublime: Well this should be interesting.

Orochi stands by his contraption and begins to move his hands back in forth in proximity to the two antennae that extend from the top of the Theramin. His playing baffles the boys from SoCal, moving his right arm towards the right antennae seems to control the pitch, moving his left seems to control the tempo. His song is awkward, and not at all recognizable by either Korran or Sublime. Finally, Korran signals for Orochi to cease his playing, only Orochi cannot hear him and is too in-tune with his playing to notice Korran. Finally Sublime grabs a half empty bottle of Corona and chunks it at Orochi’s head, Orochi nimbly dodges it, the way a Ninja should, yet it distracts him enough so that his playing finally ceases…

Korran: What the fuck are you playing!

Orochi: Please do not insult my music; it is something that it held sacred by my people. It is known to many as “One-Winged Angel…”

The boys have a blank stare on their faces, unable to recognize the name of the song.

Orochi: Perhaps you may have heard it in Final Fant….

Before he can even finish Korran and Sublime burst into laughter…

Sublime: So the song you just played, is from Final Fantasy, and is sacred to your people!!? Who the fuck are your people, 14 boys who don’t know were there penis is supposed to go?

Korran: I expected better from you Ninja, your supposed to be badass, yet you play a theme song from a fucking video game? Why don’t you just head over to Wickedness and get fucked in the ass so you can finally admit that you’re a fag. Get the fuck off our stage.

Orochi: I will not forget this SoCal, you have insulted myself and my people. Revenge will be had. NINJA VANISH!

And with that, Orochi is gone, leaving the boys to shake their head in disbelief at how much of a fag Orochi is, as the scene fades out.

As we come back to the site of Jaro and Celeste’s date empty beer bottles can be seen littering the floor and tables nearby, a small beer bottle shaped hole can be seen in a nearby window. Jaro takes a bite from each of his four steaks making sure that each is indeed steakier than the one before it. After several moments of gratuitous meat eating he looks up across the table with a mouth full of food to see Celeste picking at her salad and avoiding the prime ribs at all cost.

Jaro: (With mouth still full) If Haro gonnu haf to chofe a bif?

Celeste: What?

Jaro swallows his food and takes a chug from his nearest beer.

Jaro: I said is Jaro gonna have to choke a bitch? Jaro ordered you Prime Rib, and you are not eating it. It makes Jaro so mad that Jaro has to talk about Jaro in the third person like some retarded trombone player.

Celeste: Eating meat is wrong, animals do not deserve to be bred just to be slaughtered and put on a plate.

Jaro: My dear Celeste, you have it completely wrong. Not only do they deserve that, especially those little bitch dolphins, but it is necessary to ensure the survival of the planet.

Celeste: What?

Jaro: Think about it not only does us eating meat help keep certain animal populations under control, but without eating meat one of the very cornerstones of our society would never have evolved.

The very first reason people as a whole started to domesticate animals was for the purpose of providing a stable food sources yes. But if we had never began to domesticate animals in the first place we would never have been able to use them for the various uses we eventually did. Such as horses, which were for centuries the only way to transverse long distances on land. Or Oxen which we would never have been able to lift the heavy structures we needed in order to grow as a people.

Without eating meat we would never have discovered the other uses animals could provide for us, and thus would still be relegated to caves like those bastard little lemurs.

Celeste: Is that what you really think?

Jaro: It makes more sense to me than someone looking at a horse and saying “You know what, I want to ride that fucker”.

Celeste: I have to admit Jason, I never expected you to have spent that long thinking on well, anything, especially not something like eating meat. It’s kind of cute.

Jaro: I brought you a present tonight too.

Celeste: Oh really, what is it?

Jaro: It’s right here.

Jaro points down to his lap where a previously hidden large box is waiting to be opened. Celeste steps around the table, undoes the bow, and lifts the lid. She gasps and steps back as the camera moves around her to show Jaro’s penis sticking through a hole in the bottom. Jaro smiles at her and she looks away with a blush.

Jaro: So now that we know eating meat is right, why don’t you go to work? Remember, learning is fun!

The masses are stirred from their seats as Bad Religion’s ‘Tested’ plays.

Cherry: The following tag team contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! Please welcome weighing in at 436 pounds…. THE BRITISH LIOOOOOONNNSS!!!!

Dunn and Lion slide into the ring and raise their hands to thunderous applause which is drowned out by Bad Religion’s ‘The New Dark Ages’ as Commedia Dell’Arte takes the stage. Mercutio garners the loudest pop of them all dragging a laundry bag behind him, pulling dollar bills from it and showering the fans near the guardrail. Matt Dunn notes the display and kicks the bottom rope in disgust.

Stone: Money can’t buy happiness, allegedly, but it can seem to buy friends. Mercutio has made himself the prohibitive fan favorite here, all with a few dead presidents.

Foxx: These people are literally two dollar whores, it’s disgusting.

Stone: Actually, they are clearly 1 dollar whores.

Foxx: That’s refreshing. I had thought Mercutio overpaid. Mercutio to start… no, he sees Dunn and motions for Harlequin to start. ‘Cutio looks at Dunn on the apron, waving a handful of cash from his corner, proudly patting his sack of money.

Stone: Proudly patting his sack? Really?

Foxx: OF MONEY! OF. MONEY!

Stone: Whatever. Homo. Side headlock by Dunn.

Foxx: He cranks down and looks at Mercutio with a sneer that would stop even me in my tracks, but Quint sails an elbow to the back and shoots him off the far side ropes and right into a nasty BIG BOOT!

Stone: Dunn scampers back to the corner, consoled by Nick Lion. Lion leans over talking to his partner, Dunn rubbing the sting from his jaw as Mercutio mocks both Lions, drying his mock tears and blowing his nose with a dollar bill before tossing it to the crowd. Dunn springs out of the corner and shoves Mercutio to the floor, screaming at him and turns around right into a big time spine buster. COVER! And Lion breaks it up with a kick to the side of Quint’s face.

Foxx: The good doctor is irate as the feel good early goings give way to some nastiness. He chases Lion, but takes a chop block from behind for his trouble. Dunn quickly follows with a step over leg whip and grapevines the leg…reaching back and tagging Lion in…who delivers a springboard elbow drop across Quint’s outstretched knee!

Stone: Lion drags the Doctor’s leg across the bottom rope and jumps up and brings his weight across the knee. He follows with an elbow smash to the head, and secures a headlock… BrainBusssttaahhh!

Foxx: Dunn made a blind tag as Lion pivots, and Dunn comes off the top with a Crossbody as Lion brings Quint down with the Busta. Mercutio goes for the save, but gets a HUGE back bodydrop to the floor, and Lion follows him down with a corkscrew senton to the ringside area! Cover on Quint… HE SOMEHOW KICKED OUT of that incredible tandem offense. Dunn ascends, smiling as Quint slowly rises, missile dropkick to the knee. Excellently Executed, wouldn’t you say, Stone?

Stone: That’s the best Misile dropkick there ever was… is, or ever will be.

Foxx: It was pretty. Drop toe hold, but Quint scampers to the ropes. Dunn holds the full measure of 4, before releasing and dragging his quarry to the center of the ring and applying a deep single leg crab. Meanwhile, Lion sends Mercutio into the steel, following with a splash…no, Mercutio ducked and Lion sailed into the front row. Mercutio rolls in and slaps Dunn right in the face!

Stone: well that certainly got Dunn to release the hold. He’s going to kill Mercutio, chasing him around ringside, but Merc slides back into the ring and his pursuer follows right into a powerslam from Quint! Finally Harlequin makes the tag and Mercutio drops a springboard elbow to Dunn. Cover nets only a 2.

Foxx: Dunn places his hands on the mat, vying for a vertical base, but Mercutio stomps on each hand, and fires off a round house to the side of the head. Dunn screams at him, and Mercutio responds with yet another! Dunn motions for him to bring it once more, but it’s caught, Dunn steps up and delivers a huge exploder suplex. Dunn then clotheslines the recovering Harlequin to the floor and delivers a Reverse DDT to Mercutio. Mercutio rolls to his stomach, trying to collect his garbled thoughts. ‘Cutio rises and takes a Scissors Kick to the back of the skull. COVER, No. He applies a bow and arrow, Lion out of NOWHERE….. EXECUTIONER’S BLOCK!

Stone: The Lions score with a big time finish, 1….2….QUINT WITH THE SAVE, But he gets a Northern Lights Suplex from Lion, as Mercutio looks to be in position for the 3-8-66, But ‘Cutio sidesteps and Dunn collides with Lion…schoolboy by Mercutio on Dunn, No! The Lions sandwich him with Total Elimination, and he flips onto the canvas… but Quint shoves Dunn right through the far side ropes! This match has degenerated.

Foxx: Lion and Quint are trading bombs mid-ring, and NEITHER IS THE LEGAL MAN! Lion with a kick which is blocked, a follow-up enzuigiri is ducked, and Harlequin takes him over with a wheel-barrel suplex. Mercutio drapes an arm across, but Lion gets a foot on the rope. Quint kicks it off! The referee berates him and Quint finally leaves the ring, but the exhausted Mercutio rols to the corner and tags him right back in.

Stone: He enters the match legally for the first time in a while, greeting Lion with a huge backhand chop. He goes to the farside ropes, but he’s lowbridged as Dunn pulls the ropes down! Harlequin lands on his feet, amazing dexterity, he throat thrusts Dunn, But Lion sails through the ropes with a suicide dive to fell him! AMAZING! All three men struggling to their feet as MERCUTIO jumps onto the apron and delivers an Asai Moonsault from the apron to everyone on the floor!

Foxx: He had a million reasons not to do that, but these idiots are rewarding THAT idiot with a big ovation.

Stone: As they should, this match has been off the proverbial chain.

Foxx: You can say that again, my main Negro.

Stone: Cracker, say that again and I will shank you like a prison bitch.

Foxx: Glad you are dispelling stereotypes, my melanin enhanced friend. Dunn and Quint roll into the ring, finally bringing this match back toward order. Dunn is shot of the ropes, positioned for a backbody drop, but he slides under it and positions himself for and delivers a kneebreaker to Quint. He never forgot about that knee despite all the chaos.

Stone: and now he applies a textbook figure 4, Quint screaming in agony as Lion makes his way to the apron after tossing Mercutio into the ringsteps. Lion casually hooks the bottom rope with his leg and pulls it a few inches further away, but nonetheless Quint blocks out the pain and lurches his way toward being free of this hold. Again, the Lions take their full use of the 5 count… before tagging and Lion flips over the top with a spinning elbow drop. Cover but Mercutio pulls him to the floor and makes his way to the corner, imploring the battered Quint to make the tag. Lion rolls back in the ring Tagging Dunn who grabs Quint by the head as he came tantalizingly close to the outstretched arm of his partner in crime, nailing him with a monkey flip as Lion catches him with a Neckbreaker on the way down!

Foxx: That’s St. George’s Cross, it means match over! Dunn with the cover! Lion charges right into a kick to the nuts and Mercutio leapfrogs the staggered Lion right onto dropping onto his partner with an elbow drop which saves Quint for the time being. Mercutuio catches Lion with an atomic drop, then a hands free
Enzuigiri which sends Lion to the floor the hard way. He finally gets back to the apron as Harlequin tries to battle to his partner, but he’s held in a front headlock. Dunn taunts Mercutio, who pulls a few scheckles from his bag, to Dunn’s dismay. The momentary distraction enables Quint to power Dunn to the wrong end of town and tag in Mercutio. Both members of CDA shoot Dunn into the ropes and upend him with a hard double clothesline.

Stone: Mercutio is looking to bring CLOSURE to this matchup but Dunn blocks and dives between Alizzari’s legs and tags Lion who explodes into the ring with an STO on Mercutio. Standing Moonsault, 1..2.. Quint looks to break it but Lion saw him and let Harlequin drop an elbow onto his own partner. Harlequin takes a superkick right to the chops, and down he goes!

Foxx: Dunn makes the blind tag and delivers a double jump moonsault onto Mercutio. Cover nets only a 2, as Mercutio powers out. Lion looks to strike but both he and the referee get shouldered to the floor by Quint. Dunn drops Quint with a Thesz press, bringing the hammer down with a bevy of rights, and Mercutio drags his bag of money in the ring. What the hell is he doing?

Stone: Whatever it is, it’s working as he has Dunn’s attention, not his partner. He offers Dunn a wad of cash, but Dunn smacks the money from him and then smacks him in the teeth. Mercutio retaliates with an enzuigiri as Quint steps into Dunn from behind with a legsweep into the bag! Dunn is FUBAR! Cover as the referee crawls into the ring and Harlequin cuts Lion off with a baseball slide. DUNN is DONE! 3 COUNT, BALLGAME!

Foxx: I know the FUBAR is outright devastating, but Dunn went completely limp, he still hasn’t so much as twitched!

Stone: Mercutio rummages through his treasure trove and reveals a CINDERBLOCK underneath the greenbacks which he rolls to the floor!

Foxx: I always thought Dunn was a bit of a blockhead.

Cherry: Here are your winners, Mercutio and Harlequin, Commedia Dell’Arte!

Harlequin and Mercutio (4.23 aps + 4.3 aps + 1.0 avs = 9.53 total)
Nick Lion and Matt Dunn (4.4 aps + 3.85 aps + 0.45 aps = 8.7 total)


Once again we head to the back, where Korran and Sublime sit, looking extremely bored.

Korran: (with little enthusiasm) Welcome back to the SoCal StarSearch. So far the only thing this search has turned up is something that shares all the same qualities that you would find in dog shit.

Sublime: And speaking of all the qualities of dog shit, that describes our next contestant perfectly! Ladies and Gentleman of Philadelphia….. T…..OOOOOOO!!!!!

The crowd immediately begins to boo, as the Great TO, who is sporting a Terrell Owens Jersey, enters the SoCal Studio. Some of the loudest boos of the night are heard, but Takeover simply brushes them off.

Korran: Ah, The Great TO.

Sublime: No 83 dollar Flowers for us? I’m crushed.

Takeover: I wouldn’t spend .83 yen on you fuckers.

Korran: That’s because you’re poor, out of work and are carrying aids. Now what the fuck are you here to do.

Takeover: I’m here to collect my award. You were looking for a star, and now you’ve found one.

Sublime: Ok, I’ll play along, what’s your “talent.”

Takeover: My talent is two-fold, one part is simply being great, the other is that I can get people to hate me with very little ease. This is probably because in real life I’m a scrawny white kid who has no self-esteem because bitches would rather go butch then even be in the same room with me, so I take out my frustrations caused by my own pitifulness on others who are dealing with tough circumstances and hard times in life. I’m very good at it being an asshole.

Korran: You forgot to add eating asshole and going down on Jaro as your third talent and fourth talents respectively.

Sublime: Yea, that’s the only way you stayed around here as long as you did.

Takeover: Fuck you guys, you guys lost to white chocolate! You couldn’t even beat Nigger Page and his fuck buddy “Mr. I choke when it counts” Alex O’Rion. You also lost to the British Lions! A team right out of New, their first FMW match! You’re the most overrated Tag Team in the business; and you’re a couple of pussies who will do anything to get out of having a match. You’ve been Champions for months, and have defended those belts, what, 3 or 4 times? Hell I’ve been hired and fired more times then that in the last year!

He continues ranting against the Connection until Korran begins to slowly clap his hands together, drawing a surprised look from Sublime.

Korran: TO, that was magnificent; truly your talent exceeded my expectations, because I fucking hate you right now. Sublime, give the man his prize!

Sublime: Dude what the hell are you tal..

He is cut off by an elbow from Korran.

Korran: What Sublime was saying was please approach the table and collect your award!

TO moves towards the table and reaches out to remove the cloth covering his award. Just as he starts to pull it off Korran leaps of his chair, across the table and nails TO with a flying clothesline! Sublime then quickly stands up and tosses Korran his Chair, who nails TO in the head with it, multiple times! Finally he throws the chair away and motions for Sublime: to walk around the table, and to get Takeover up on his shoulders. While he does that, Korran hops on top of the table, and leaps, delivering the Lower Expectations on TO, who hits mouth first on the corner of the SoCal Stage. He immediately begins bleeding from his mouth as his teeth find themselves scattered around the room.

Sublime: You were right TO, you do have two talents. You certainly made us hate you, and your were fucking great at getting your ass kicked.

Korran: I’m sure as cocky as you are, you expected to win this contest..

Sublime: But thankfully, we were able to lower those expectations for you.

Korran: Oh, and about your now-missing teeth, don’t worry about that. I heard toothless people give the best blowjobs, so I’m sure Vinny and a few others around here can find some work for you.

Sublime: Now somebody get this piece of shit out of here!

Korran: We’ll be back soon with the conclusion of the SoCal StarSearch, you do not want to miss it!

The Jambulance is seen parked at the top of a hill. Nearby, Jaro and Celeste lie in the grass, staring at the stars. Jaro points towards one of the constellations.

Jaro: That’s the Andromeda conestallation… also referred to as ‘The Princess’. Just like you, Celeste.

Celeste: Awww Jaro. You know precisely what to say.

Jaro: Over there is the Hercules star… He was a famous hero and a demi-god. Reminds me of myself, really. He heroically swooped in to rescue the Princess’s. Only, you don’t need saving, now do you? You’re a big girl.

Thinking to himself: You sure as hell have a big ass and breasts.

Celeste: Jaro! That’s sweet!

Jaro: Look, Celeste, I’ve got to be perfectly honest with you. I’m only saying all these things because I want to bend you over, spread those delicious cheeks you sport, immerse my abnormally large penis into your tight chocolate starfish and fuck you so hard my dick will come out of your mouth. Seriously… its happened to a girl I went out with before… Oops, did I say that out loud?

Celeste: Jaro… I’m glad you’re being honest with me but that was rather blunt. I think you spoiled the mood.

Jaro grasps around inside his head for a new strategy and recalls one he saw in a movie once. He looks at Celeste again.

Jaro: On top of all that, you’re a great human being and I’ve really enjoyed the time we spent together. I’m just glad you’re here with me now.

Celeste: Awwwww!

Celeste swoops in, hugging Jaro tightly. Jaro smiles and then looks up, directly towards the camera. With two quick movements, he winks and shows a thumbs up.

Cherry: Ladies and Gentlemen the following is a contest scheduled for one fall. Introducing first the special guest referee of the match on loan tonight from Anarchy. He hails from TombStone Arizona, this is JOHN DERRICK!

“Whiskey in a Jar” by Metallica begins to blare through the speakers as John Doc Derrick steps through the curtains to a mixed reaction from the crowd. He wears a striped referee shirt and his customary beer is situated in a stripe black and white cooler.

After getting to the ring he takes a drink from the beer and sets it aside, looking back up the ramp as the music fades away.

Cherry: Introducing the first competitor, coming from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, and weighing in tonight at two hundred and twenty five pounds. Being accompanied by students from the Sound Academy, this is DALBY SOUND!

“Who are you to wave your fingers? You must have been out of your head…” starts off as the beat from Tools “The Pot” begins to pump out through speakers. Dalby steps through the curtains alone, and stands looking out into the arena, the crowd reacts with pops and boos in equal mix, as though they can’t decide if he is insane or just that damned awesome. After a moment he ritualistically reaches down around his neck and slides a pair of headphones over his ears. As he walks down the ramp several young men in wrestling gear and “Sound Academy” t-shirts follow him down.

Stone: Look at this; Sound has brought his own posse to this fight.

Foxx: Well like all Canadians he hates a fair fight, look for his opponent to bring his partner, his brother, and his mother to the ring to even these odds.

Sound slides into the ring and stands in the middle, head turned to stare straight at the entrance. Sounds students take seats right by the ring and try to get a “God He’s Awesome” chant going as the music fades away.

Cherry: And introducing his opponent tonight, coming from Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada and weighing in at two hundred and forty pounds. He is Alchemy’s Superstar of the Year, ALEX O’RION!

“Who said that I wasn’t right? I’ve lived for years without a life…” starts CKY’s “Close Yet Far” as a determined Alex O’Rion steps from the curtains to a thunderous pop. As he walks down the ramp he takes off his “Pride of Nova Scotia” t-shirt and throws it into the crowd. Tightening the wristband with his brother’s name on it he slides into the ring and walks right past Dalby getting into the face of a very apathetic John Doc Derrick, staring him straight in the eyes.

Stone: It looks like the young Nova Scotian hasn’t forgotten about the bottle being smashed against his head a few weeks ago.

Foxx: This is the stupidest thing he could have done, get right into the face of the man who decides if you win or lose a match.

Stone: And Derrick doesn’t even seem to care; he just pointed towards Dalby and told the timer to ring the bell, pointedly ignoring Alex.

Derrick stands in front of Alex for a moment longer after the bell rings before simply stepping aside and moving to have a view of both men. Alex visibly shakes with anger but turns and faces Sound who watches impassively.

Stone: Alex is a man who has gone toe to toe with the FMW champion and come away from it whole, I have to give it Dalby Sound he does not seem impressed by O’Rion.

Foxx: Of course not, he’s awesome!

Stone: God you’re a fucking mark. Although it’s creepy how Sound isn’t blinking in this stare down. Alex blinks and Dalby has thrown his hands into the air in victory.

Foxx: Dalby just out stared Alex O’Rion, god he’s awesome!

Stone: And now Dalby is living it up like he’s already won the match, the Sound students are going insane in their seats.

Foxx: Why wouldn’t they, their teacher just won again.

Stone: Dalby is celebrating with his students on the ropes and isn’t paying attention to Alex.

Foxx: O’Rion spins Dalby around and nails him with a hard closed fist! That should be a disqualification, where’s the ref!

Stone: Taking a sip of his beer in the corner. Alex again with a hard shot to Dalby’s head, spinning Dalby back towards the ropes, snap suplex! Alex just nailed a picture perfect suplex on Sound.

Foxx: But Sound is quick to his feet again. He didn’t almost beat King Guiamor by being a push over. Alex charges again and Dalby catches him with an arm drag, and holds on for the arm bar.

Stone: But O’Rion kips up breaking the hold before Dalby could get a grip. Dalby now charging goes for a clothesline, but O’Rion ducks and grabs Dalbys neck for a reverse neck breaker. He goes for the pin!

Foxx: Unfortunately the referee is now over here hitting on the timekeeper. O’Rion see this and releases the pin immediately. He is coming over to have a chat with Mr. Derrick.

Stone: Alex on the apron now, screaming at Derrick to get back in the ring. But the Doc just shrugs his shoulders and goes back to flirting, Alex is furious.

Foxx: Hey the girls hot, I’d skip this job to hit on her too.

Stone: Dalby back up now, Alex doesn’t seem to notice. Dalby with a hard clothesline to the back of O’Rion. O’Rion has just been catapulted from the apron right onto our desk.

Foxx: Dalby is quick to take advantage, rolling out of the ring and grabbing hold of O’Rion. Irish whip, HOLY SHIT! O’Rion just did a flip over the steel steps, his knee smashing right into that unforgiving metal.

Stone: Oh look Derrick has finally started a count; he’s up to two. Dalby sees him and rolls Alex back into the ring, and follows for the pin.

One!

Two!

NO!

Alex O’Rion kicks out at the last time.

Foxx: Dalby doesn’t seem to like the count Doc gave there; he’s arguing that it was a three count.

Stone: Alex is to his knees, roll up, he just rolled up Dalby!

One!

Two!

Thr NO!

Dalby kicks out.

Foxx: I don’t get these canucks, both those counts seemed right to me, and yet they have both argued with Doc over them.

Stone: Alex O’Rion slowly getting to his feet, doesn’t look like he can put much weight on his leg. Dalby Sound may have taken Alex’s best weapon the NS Pride out of his arsenal with the damage done to that leg.

Foxx: And he isn’t done, Dalby Sound with a quick drop kick to the knee, Alex O’Rion goes down hard.

Stone: Dalby transitions into an ankle lock and is just yanking on that leg as hard as he can. O’Rion may have to tap right here!

Foxx: And Doc is right next to O’Rion’s face asking if he gives up.

Stone: Alex is staring right into the refs face and if I can hear him correctly is telling John Derrick that he won’t give up, that he will never give up. I think O’Rion is trying to use this match to get his point from before across to Derrick.

Foxx: Well the ref seems less than impressed. Dalby finally releases the hold realizing that Alex isn’t about to give up. He puts the damaged right leg on the rope, springs up and lands both feet hard down on that knee.

Stone: And he sets up and does it again, he’s going to turn O’Rions knee into mush if he keeps this up.

Foxx: Dalby is being smart he’s picked out his weak point and is going after it. He’s softened it up and now he’s locking in a Cross Legged STF!

Stone: He’s got O’Rions legs wrenched back as well as put pressure on that lower back; Sound is wrestling a smart match right now.

Foxx: Did you have any doubt, he’s showing his students how it is done in the big leagues and they love him for it.

Stone: O’Rion has his hand out and is reaching for the ropes; it looks like Dalby might have to break the hold soon. Wait, what the fuck was that!

Foxx: That is brilliant, one of Sounds students is helping his teacher out by holding the ropes out of Alex’s reach!

Stone: Where the fuck is the Derek to stop this.

Foxx: I’m not sure, but I think he just punked a fans hot dog and is having a mid match snack….

Stone: For fucksake this is a bloody circus!

Foxx: Derek finally rolls into the ring again and kicks the students hand off the ropes.

Stone: It’s about time, Alex grabs the rope and Sound breaks the hold cleanly. Alex is grabbing onto his knee and writhing around on the mat again, it could be broken after that extended torture.

Foxx: Derek is doing the right thing right now, escorting that young man back to his seat with the other trainees.

Stone: Back in the ring Dalby is setting up for the iTap, he’s got O’Rion up and is going for the full nelson.

Foxx: If he hits this, then this one is all over.

Stone: O’Rion slips free, NS PRIDE! O’Rion just nailed the NS Pride on Dalby and fell on top of him, this match should be over!

Foxx: But Derek isn’t back in the ring yet, Alex gets up and limps around, I don’t even know where Derek went!

Stone: Alex goes back to the prone form of Dalby and locks in the rip tide! I don’t think Dalby can tap, I don’t even think Dalby is conscious after that kick to the jaw.

Foxx: Here comes another referee from the back, he slides into the ring and checks Dalby, and calls for the bell. Sound is out, where the fuck was Derek to stop this.

Cherry: The winner of this match by referee stoppage, ALEX O’RION!

Alex O’Rion (3.8 aps + 1.05 avs = 4.85 total)
Dalby Sound (3.47 aps + 0.4 avs = 3.87 total)

Stone: The real question is where the hell did the special guest referee John Derrick go?

Foxx: Wait, there he is, he was in the crowd having a drink! Figures a guy from Anarchy would be too lazy to do his damned job.

Stone: He’s back on the ramp and walking towards the exit. But it looks like Alex has had a mic handed to him and limped over to the ropes.

Alex: What the fuck was that John! First you lay my ass out with a bottle to end Anarchy saying you will not pick a side. Now you can’t even sit neutral in the middle and call this match, you just fucking walk away from it all.

Derrick doesn’t even look back on the ramp as he walks slowly away.

Alex: Is that all you can fucking do, walk away Doc? You said you didn’t want to be a hero that was a job for the young. I’m not asking you to be a hero, I’m not asking you for anything other to fucking choose which side of the line you stand on. Do you want to help save Full Metal Wrestling or destroy it? We aren’t heroes, we are just people like you. People who know that shyte aint right around here and that someone has to stand up against it.

So are you going to stand up for something, or are you going to run away Doc.

Just like you’ve been running from your past.

Derrick stops for a second, but doesn’t turn around. Just a momentary hesitation, as though he isn’t sure what to do, before he steps again and walks through the curtains. Alex just shakes his head in disgust.

Alex: Fine, walk away again John. But one way or another you will answer my Ultimatum!

Alex drops the mic and rolls under the ropes and limps to the back, barely putting weight on his leg. As soon as he steps through the curtains the Sound Academy students jump the barricade and slide into the ring, lifting the still unconscious Sound to his feet.

Stone: What the fuck is going on now?

Foxx: Isn’t it obvious they have come to the aid of their teacher.

Stone: Wait, whose that coming through the crowd? You have got to be kidding me….

Jumping the barricade is one last Sound student wearing imitation Alex O’Rion wrestling gear, even the trademark Andrew O’Rion wrist band. He slides into the ring and stands in front of Dalby, fists raised.

Foxx: Look at this, Alex O’Rion has come back to take out more anger on an unsuspecting Dalby Sound.

Stone: You have got to be shitting me.

As ‘Alex’ moves in the students holding Dalby move his arm in the motion of a punch, knocking ‘Alex’ out.

Foxx: Dalby just KO’d Alex O’Rion with one punch! He’s going for the pin!

The students place Dalby on top of 'Alex' and one gets down to count the pin.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Foxx: HOLY SHIT! WHAT AN UPSET! DALBY SOUND HAS BEATEN ALEX O’RION!!

Stone: Dalby is absolutely out of his fucking mind.

Foxx: God he’s awesome…..

Stood backstage is Matt Dunn, with his forehead pressed against the wall. His shoulders rise and fall as he breathes heavily, clearly aggravated by the British Lions' earlier loss. Matt goes to punch the wall in frustration, but his hand is caught by his tag partner Nick Lion.

Nick: Hey. Hey! There's no call for that, mate.

Matt: You think so? Well, thanks to me we're off the Ultimatum card. I just lost us our fucking shot at getting the tag titles back.

Emotionally distraught, Matt faces his partner with a screwed up face, trying to hold back his guilt and rage.

Nick: It doesn't matter! Look at us, we're former champions. We've done it once and we can sure as hell do it again, we just need to work at it.

Matt: You're just trying to be nice. But at the end of the day, we lost our big chance, and it was MY FAULT!

With that, Matt rears back his head and drives it hard into the wall, to Nick's shock.

Nick: Stop it! Matt, please! We're a team, you can't just blame yourself for this!

Matt's only response is a shout of anger. He then forcefully headbutts the wall again and again, a small dent forming in the plaster.

Nick: Stop doing this! Matt, this doesn't make sense, you've got to STOP!

Trying to pull Matt away from his self-destruction, Nick is simply shrugged off by his disheartened tag partner, who goes back to bringing his head crashing into the thick wall. Desperately, Nick grabs Matt by the shoulder and spins him around, before delivering an open-handed slap across the face. Matt stops in his tracks and brings up a hand to touch the cheek where he was struck.

Nick: Thank fuck for that. Matt, you've got to bloody well get it together.

Matt says nothing, staring coldly at Nick as he nurses his cheek thoughtfully.

Nick: Listen to me. In the long run, today doesn't matter. We keep working at it, we prove ourselves again and we'll be wearing gold again before you know it. Together.

Concerned by his friend's lack of reaction, Nick waves a hand in front of Matt's unblinking gaze.

Nick: Matt?

Finally breaking his stare, Matt Dunn turns and silently walks past Nick.

Nick: Matt?

As his friend rounds the corner, Nick dejectedly shouts after him.

Nick:: MATT! ... I'm sorry.

“The Great Gianna Sisters” by Machinae Supremacy plays over the arena system, as Dr. Diabolical slowly and contemplatively makes his way out to the ring to a generally negative reaction.

Cherry: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is your main event of the evening! The stipulations of this match specify that the winner will enter last in the Gold Card Gauntlet at Ultimatum, whereas the loser must enter first.

Foxx: There you have it, so much on the line in this match. We’re talking about the difference between being in prime position for a title shot or showing up at Ultimatum purely to have your head kicked in by up to five different people. In all honesty, the Gold Card itself may as well be on the line in this match.

Cherry: Making his way to the ring first, he hails from Concord, New Hampshire… This is Doctooooorrrrrr Diaaabollllliicaaaalllllll!!!!

The crowd boo the announcement, as Diabolical continues to ignore them and calmly approaches the ring, removing his lab coat, and hanging on a turnbuckle, as he loosens his muscles, warming up in preparation for his opponent.

Foxx: I don’t care how many times I have to say it, hold for hold, that man right there in the ring is the greatest pure grappler in the business today. Fact.

Stone: There’s no doubt that Diabolical’s a great wrestler, but the best? His win/loss record suggests otherwise.

Foxx: That’s true, Stone, but my statement still stands. No-one can outwrestle Dr. Diabolical. When you factor in size, strength, speed, fighting spirit… that’s when people can get the edge on the good doctor, but in a pure wrestling contest, he has no equal. It really is as simple as that.

The warm, rubescent lights shine down from the ceiling, as “Red” by King Crimson plays, to a kinder reception from the fans, though just barely. With Theresa at his side, Adrian emerges from behind the curtain, and makes his way down to the ring, neither he nor his opponent taking their eyes off one another or changing their expression.

Cherry: And his opponent, from Halifax, Nova Scotia… Aaaaaaadriaaaaann!!!!!

Stone: Enigma. That’s the word that I think best describes Adrian. There’s just no way to tell what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling. Worse still, there’s no way of knowing what he’ll do next.

Foxx: I have to agree with you there, Stone. Adrian is the single most unpredictable man on the roster, and that could spell trouble for his opponent, who really bases a lot of his strategy on knowing what moves his opponent will make.

Stone: True, but - while I don’t mean to show support for Diabolical - Adrian is hardly an expert in-ring technician, and if Diabolical can take this fight to the mat and keep it there, then you have to give him the upper hand in the match.

Foxx: It’s going to be interesting, Stone, that much is for certain.

The bell rings, and Adrian instantly moves in on Diabolical, initiating a collar and elbow tieup, pushing the doctor backwards and into the ropes. The referee makes a five count before forcing Adrian to break the hold and back off

Stone: Well, that went nowhere. Quite a slow start to this match we have here

Foxx: On the surface, yes, but you have to remember that both men are being fairly cautious here. For all his psychosis, Adrian knows he has to be careful when trading wrestling holds with Diabolical. Similarly, Diabolical is looking to gauge Adrian, to get as much information as he can, as quickly as possible.

Stone: So when do you expect them to pick up the pace.

Foxx: Not right now, for sure. This match is in a stalemate, and will be for some time. I’d be looking for a big move from Adrian, or a big counter from Diabolical, at which point things will most definitely liven up

From one side of the ring, Adrian charges at Diabolical, but the doctor drops down low, and nails a deep arm drag, keeping control of the arm as he does so.

Foxx: And that’s a nice move by Diabolical. He’s keeping it simple to begin with, not taking chances, and really looking to slow Adrian’s offence down.

Stone: He’s certainly got Adrian’s shoulder clamped with that armbar-like manouver.

Foxx: And, more importantly, Adrian isn’t on his feet. Diabolical is in control of where Adrian is, and what he’s doing, and that will be vital to his success.

Adrian tries to get to his feet and generate leverage, but Diabolical kicks his legs away, and rolls Adrian onto his front, transitioning the shoulder lock into an armbar. Adrian tries to force the doctor off, but Diabolical simply increases the pressure on the shoulder, pushing his opponent right back down into the mat.

Stone: Diabolical staying in control here

Foxx: And that’s the genius of the man. From one arm drag, he’s developed a situation where he’s in complete control of the match, and at the same time, he’s causing some lasting damage to Adrian’s shoulder and upper arm. This is wrestling, Stone.

Stone: Sure is, but I think the match would benefit from an injection of energy at some point soon

Foxx: You have no taste. None at all.

With the doctor continuing to apply pressure to his shoulder, Adrian slowly uses his knees to drag himself and the doctor towards the ropes, hurling his leg gratefully at the bottom rope, as the referee makes the 5 count, forcing Diabolical to relinquish the hold.

Stone: Adrian at last managing to escape Diabolical’s grasp, but the damage may have already been done.

Foxx: Correction, Stone, the damage is already done. The only questions are “how much?”, and “is it enough?”. If Adrian spends the rest of the match nursing that arm, then Diabolical may have won this one already.

Stone: I don’t think Adrian’s the type to be “nursing” anything. Either he’ll fight through the pain, or he just won’t notice it.

Foxx: Right. Until he tries to nail a suplex and his arm gives way.

Diabolical calmly waits for Adrian to step away from the ropes, speeding in as soon as he does this, and going for another armlock. However, Adrian is ready, and sweeps the doctor’s legs, following up with a body press for the cover

On--

Stone: But Diabolical kicks out immediately!

Sensing a surprise advantage, Diabolical runs off the ropes, and looks to nail Adrian with a clothesline. However, the latter sees this coming, and ducks the attack, nailing Diabolical with a quick cutter as he speeds past.

Stone: And a great counter from Adrian! Cutter came from out of nowhere

Foxx: I’m inclined to agree, that was some great reactions exhibited by the young psychopath. He goes for the cover

One!

T--

Stone: But again Diabolical kicks out!

Foxx: Well, it’s going to take more than a couple of quick moves to put the good doctor down for three. Looks like he fancies a breather here.

Sure enough, Diabolical rolls out of the ring, and climbs over the barricade, catching his breath amongst the fans, as the referee slowly counts to 10

Stone: Get on with the match!!

Foxx: He can’t hear you. Even if he could, he wouldn’t listen. He’s got 10 seconds to rest, and he’s going to use them all. No harm in that.

Stone: Except for from an entertainment standpoint!

Foxx: I’m entertained.

As the referee reaches 5, Diabolical still shows no signs of returning to the ring, clearly intending to recuperate for the full count. Suddenly Adrian starts running the ropes

Stone: Adrian seems to be up to something here…

As he reaches maximum velocity, Adrian runs towards the ropes, before leaping into the air, clearing both the top rope and the crowd barricade, and colliding with Diabolical, sending both men forcefully to the ground

Stone: Holy Shit!!!

Foxx: Holy shit indeed, that came from nowhere! Diabolical was minding his own business out in the crowd, and suddenly Flight AD666 smashes into him!

Stone: Well, shouldn’t he have seen that coming?

Foxx: Are you mad?! How could he have seen that coming?! Did you see it coming? In order to hit that move, Adrian had to throw himself out of the ring, and onto the solid concrete on the outside. No-one in their right mind would have done a move like that. Diabolical just had no way of accounting for someone who fights on impulse rather than logic.

Stone: Well, Adrian is known as something of a risk taker

Foxx: A risk taker is one thing, but you can’t account for someone literally putting their life on the line, because they got fed up of waiting for you to return to the ring. It’s not like you take care when walking past high rise buildings in case someone’s enough of a nutcase to jump out of a window at you. This was madness, and it completely caught Dr. D off guard. Simple as that.

Stone: In any case, the referee restarted his count as Adrian left the ring, and he’s now up to six. Neither man really stirring yet, Foxx

Foxx: Would you?

Stone: Well… there were a lot of chairs and concrete involved in that collision.

Foxx: I just hope they make it back into the ring. I mean… what would happen if this one ended in a draw? Would they both enter first? Both last? Both in the middle?

Stone: Good question. Hopefully not one that we’ll need to think about, as I’d hate this match to end so early.

Foxx: Same here. We’ve still got half an hour left of the show to fill, and I really don’t want to see you have to dust off your stand-up routine.

As the referee reaches 8, both men manage to slump over the barricade, making their way back to the ring more on instinct, than as a conscious choice. Diabolical makes it in first, and immediately rolls to the opposite corner of the ring, giving him more chance to recover before Adrian can come after him. Just after the count of 9, Adrian makes it in, and the ref signals that the match will continue.

Stone: We’re back underway!

Foxx: Well, that’s a relief.

Anticipating Adrian’s recovery, Diabolical slowly heaves himself to a vertical base, still keeping his distance from the Black Covenant member, desperately trying to predict the next attack.

Stone: And Diabolical is still in no hurry to get back to the match!

Foxx: Again, can’t blame him. He’s still recovering from that big move. So is Adrian, but he’s not showing it.

Stone: You can say that again, he wants right back into the fight! He may not be an O’Rion any more, but he never lost the Nova Scotian fighting spirit!

Adrian runs at Diabolical, looking for a forearm. However, the move is telegraphed, and Diabolical easily blocks the attack, before grabbing the arm, and jumping backwards to hit an arm breaker

Stone: And Diabolical right back to the arm

Foxx: Of course he is. If you’re digging a hole, and you stop for a break, would you go back to the whole, or start digging in a completely different place? Diabolical needs to win this match while minimising effort, because wasted time and momentum will cost him dear.

Stone: Well, it looks like Diabolical’s going back to the well for more punishment.

Diabolical lifts Adrian to his feet, not letting go of his opponents damaged arm. He drags Adrian to the corner, and ties his arm up across the top rope, before clubbing it with forearm blows

Foxx: More attacks from Diabolical, just picking at that arm, while Adrian is in no position to defend himself.

Stone: I think Diabolical really needs to hit another high impact move on that arm if he wants to put Adrian away, though.

Foxx: I disagree. What Diabolical needs is to do as much damage as possible, with as little effort as possible. Adrian’s plancha of doom has taken a lot out of the doctor, and he needs to be careful how he expends his remaining energy.

Diabolical continues to hammer away at Adrian’s trapped arm, and pushes away the ref, who implores him to release the hold

Foxx: You see? Hyperextending Adrian’s shoulder by tying it up in the ropes, and then attacking it with forearms - that’s how he’s going to get value for money here. That’s how he’s going to do most damage without overexerting himself and losing the match, and that’s exactly what he’s going to do. Remember, to stop Adrian kicking out, all he needs to do is take out one shoulder, and pin the other one to the canvas. This is scientific wrestling.

The referee finally manages to push Diabolical away from his quarry, and untangle Adrian’s damaged arm from the ropes. As soon as he is free, Adrian foolishly throws a frustrated punch at Diabolical, who grabs hi wrist, and twists behind into a hammerlock.

Stone: Diabolical straight back into the driver’s seat

Foxx: Adrian made a mistake. A big mistake, and he’ll pay for it.

With the hammerlock applied to one of Adrian’s arms, Diabolical grabs the other in a half nelson, and hit’s a suplex, bridging back for the pin

Stone: Shoulders are down!!

One!

Two!!

Thr--

Stone: But Adrian kicks out!

Foxx: I have no idea how he did that. Diabolical just nailed what should have been a match winner, trapping Adrian’s good shoulder, and landing him on the other one…. I’m shocked that he found the strength to kick out of that suplex.

Stone: Well, I’m not positive that Diabolical had the strength to hold the bridge for as long as he’d have liked to.

Foxx: For once, you make a good point. That suicidal dive by Adrian earlier in the match may have saved his bacon here. Guess Diabolical’s not the only one with a gameplan.

Stone: It certainly seems as though there’s more to Adrian’s in-ring savvy than meets the eye

Foxx: Errr… you know I was being facetious with my last comment, right? Adrian’s been attacking almost at random, which is his style. I can understand why, because he‘s damn good at it. At this point, he managed to be both resilient and fortunate. On another day, we’d be signing off right now.

Both of the competitors slowly get to their feet, Adrian rears back, and suddenly nails a left hand completely flooring Diabolical

Stone: What the hell!? Diabolical just got knocked the fuck out by that left hand from Adrian!

Foxx: Incredible. Absolutely incredible. Last two times Adrian throws a left hand, Diabolical counters it, and punishes him twofold. Diabolical clearly thought that Adrian couldn’t be crazy enough to try the same thing again, but he did, and it caught the doctor completely unawares. Lights out.

Stone: But I get the feeling Adrian’s not done yet! He’s setting up for his throat-kicking finisher here!

Adrian waits for Diabolical to arise, slowly stalking the doctor, readying himself to launch his finishing manouver

Stone: Look at that stance that Adrian’s adopting. He’s imitating, perhaps mocking the way that Alex O'Rion sets up for the NS Pride.

Foxx: Ahhh... But therein lies the problem for young Adrian. Last time Diabolical fought Alex O'Rion, he was beaten by this exact move, set up in the exact same way. I’ll bet money he’s going to see this one coming.

Stone: Well, here it comes.. BC Pri--No!

Foxx: Diabolical dodges out the way!!

As Adrian staggers forwards, thrown off balance after putting so much energy into the kick, Diabolical quickly hoists Adrian upside down, onto his back, nailing him with a vertebreaker

Foxx: And he nails the Lethal Injection!! This one’s over here!

One!

Two!!

Thre---

Stone: But Adrian kicks out again!

Foxx: Incredible. Absolutely incredible. Adrian is showing superhuman resilience, and Diabolical simply cannot understand why he hasn’t won the match yet. He’s wrestled a near perfect matchup, and there’s no good reason why he’s not having his hand raised right now.

Stone: Oh, but it looks like he might have it here! Diabolical going for another Lethal Injection!

Diabolical lifts Adrian up in the same position, but - through a combination of his exhaustion, and Adrian’s energy - the youthful psycho manages to shift the momentum forwards, bringing Diabolical down to the canvas face-first, with Adrian landing on top of him

Foxx: A huge counter from Adrian! A flying Unprettier of sorts, and he absolutely nailed that one!

Stone: He’s got to get the cover here!

One!

Two!!

T--

Foxx: Rope break!! Rope break! Diabolical didn’t have the energy to kick out, but somehow he had the presence of mind to lay his foot on the bottom rope to break up that pinfall. Lesser men would have fallen to that counter, but not Diabolical. This one’s still very much alive!

Stone: Both of these men have shown strength beyond what anyone would expect, and it all comes down to what’s on the line. As you said earlier, Foxx, this match would make the difference between leaving Ultimatum with a Gold Card, and leaving with a bruised body. That’s one hell of an imperative right there.

Foxx: Couldn’t agree more. Of course, given I said almost precisely the same thing quarter of an hour ago, that’s hardly a surprise.

Stone: In any case Diabolical’s still down, and Adrian’s looking to end it here, as he heads to top rope.

Foxx: Looks like he might be taking this one Down To Hell!

Adrian leaps off the top rope with his signature diving head butt, but connects only with the canvas as Diabolical rolls out of the way

Foxx: Diabolical moved!! Adrian took too long, and Diabolical had gathered the strength to move his body out of danger! He lays an arm across Adrian for the cover!

One!

Two!!

Th---

Stone: Still no! Still no joy for Diabolical!

Foxx: Again, this beggars belief. Adrian just scrambled his brains from 6 feet in the air, and he still gets an injured shoulder off the mat. Say what you want about the kid, but he is ballsy as anyone I’ve ever seen. Amazing stuff.

Stone: Diabolical needs to put this one away sooner. With the damage that both men have sustained, the longer match is only going to favour the more resilient Adrian. Diabolical needs a change of tact.

Foxx: Truth. And that’s exactly what he’s looking for here.

Diabolical waits for Adrian to get to his feet, before sliding round to nail a back suplex. However, Adrian manages to resist the move, and grabs Diabolical from the front

Stone: He might be going for his modified Brainbuster here!

But Diabolical refuses to be lifted, and nails a quick sitout jawbreaker on Adrian

Foxx: But the Comatose is countered before Adrian could even initiate it. Great scouting by Diabolical!

Slowly, Diabolical crawls into the cover

One!!

Tw--

Stone: Once more, Adrian has the strength to kick out

Foxx: But for once, I’m not surprised. Diabolical left it for too long, and I think he knows that too. The only reason he’d have gone for a pin would have been to make Adrian exert precious energy in kicking out. Any edge is vital at this point of the match, as any move could end it.

Diabolical whips his opponent against the ropes, but Adrian manages to jump onto the second rope, allowing him to hit a springboard crossbody on a surprised Diabolical in the middle of the ring.

Stone: Like that! He’s got the cover!

One!

Two!!

Foxx: Diabolical rolls through!!

One!

Two!!

Stone: Feet on the ropes!

Thre--

Foxx: No!!!

Stone: Wow! I thought that was it, with Diabolical managing to roll through the cover, and get his feet on the ropes for extra leverage, but Adrian kicked out once again!

Foxx: There are some nights when a man simply won’t be beaten. I offer this match as proof. This is simply incredible. I have nothing more to say.

Stone: That’s a relief.

Back in the ring, the two shattered warriors make their way to their feet. Diabolical attempts to lift Adrian for a suplex, but fails, through lack of energy more than anything else. Adrian takes the opportunity to lift him onto his shoulders

Foxx: What’s Adrian going for here? Fireman’s carry, perhaps?

With Diabolical across his shoulders, Adrian begins to spin around, slowly at first, before speeding up somewhat

Stone: No! He’s using the Twister! One of the most unique moves in all of FMW

Foxx: He just keeps spinning and spinning!

After thirty seconds of rotations, Adrian stops, and puts Diabolical back down on his feet. The doctor staggers around, completely off balance and disoriented by Adrian’s airplane spin. As Adrian regains his bearings first, he slides backwards, getting himself in position

Stone: He’s going for it again here! Adrian looking for the BC Pride for the second time in this match, and Diabolical won’t see it coming!

Foxx: you could be right, Stone, as-- He hits it!!! BC Pride!! Adrian kicks Diabolical clean in the throat!!

Stone: He collapses into the cover!

One!

Two!!

Three!!!

Stone: It’s over! Adrian won the match!

Cherry: Your winner of the match, and the man who will enter last in the Gold Card Gauntlet at Ultimatum… Aaaaaaadriaaaan!!!!!

Adrian (4.48 aps + 0.7 avs = 5.18 total)
Dr. David Diabolical (4.38 aps + 0.75 avs = 5.13 total)

Foxx: I’ve said it twice already during the match, but I think it needs a third outing. “Unbelieivable” is the only way to describe the match these two put on, and Adrian deserved to win at the end of the day. It’s just a shame that after all that, one of these men had to enter the Gauntlet first and - after all his conniving and hard work - it’s going to be Dr. Diabolical who goes into Ultimatum with the smallest shot of taking the prize home.

Stone: I’m crying. Really I am.

Foxx: You can be as sarcastic as you like, but Diabolical won the briefcase, outwitted Jaro and Celeste, and now he’s got another huge mountain to climb if he even wants a whiff of that title shot. I feel for the guy. Adrian won the match, and deserves to enter last, but to see so many split second decisions cost the doctor so much is… well, it’s nearly tragic.

Stone: I don’t see the problem, someone had to lose, and the better man on the night won. This is what competition is all about Foxx, and it brought an exceptional match out of these guys.

Foxx: Well, this might just cheer me up, I’m getting word that Jaro’s just arriving at home with Celeste now, and our cameras are on the scene!

Stone: Why do I get the feeling that this is going to be R-Rated?

As we come back to Jaro and Celeste’s date the Jambulance is pulling up to one excessively large mansion with a J emblazoned on the metal gate. As the vehicle comes to a stop Jaro turns the keys off and turns to Celeste.

Jaro: Welcome to the Jansion #8, my home away from home away from home away from Cancun away from home. Just one of the little places I keep around the country in case I am in town.

Celeste: It’s very, um, nice.

Jaro: And it’s even nicer on the inside. I can’t wait to show you around and bust a load on your fa……er……I mean tell you how much you mean to me……wait….is that a mailman at the Jansion door!

Celeste: It looks like it.

Jaro: Is he leaving me flyers?

Celeste: Um, yes?

Jaro: I FUCKING HATE FLYERS! Baby, how about you wait right here for a moment, Jaro has to go give the mailman some complimentary Martyr Sauce for his delivery.

Jaro gets out and looks back inside.

Jaro: Just wait one minute, don’t go anywhere.

He locks the doors before closing it and heading off to meet the mailman, a malicious smile on his face. Celeste watches him go, a sad pout on her face as she waits for the man who has shown her the weirdest and yet best date she has ever been on to return.

Suddenly a bat smashes into her window sending glass all across her face, leaving cuts all across her. Rough hands reach through the window and rip her free of her seatbelt and through the window, cutting her and tearing her dress to shreds. As soon as she is free she is thrown hard against the Jambulance, her head hitting with an audible crack before she falls unconscious.

The hands begin to rip open her clothes even further, leaving her exposed. As they begin to reach for her again running footsteps can be heard in the background.

Jaro: (From a distance) WTF!

The camera pans out to show the smirking face of Saint Michael Dreamkiller as he looks down on Celeste’s body before turning towards the charging Jaro. He waves to the current Ultraviolent champion mockingly before running off.

Jaro finally reaches Celeste and watches Dreamkiller run off. He is about to run after the Anarchy GM when a soft moan from Celeste stops him in his tracks. He falls to his knees and cradles her bruised and battered face in his lap.

Jaro: DREAMKILLER YOU SON OF A BITCH! I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU FOR THIS, YOU HEAR ME, YOU ARE A FUCKING DEAD MAN…..