Nick Bryson's Feedback Emporium and House of Costumes and Cutlery

Ok, heres the deal, I'll probably be going through and doing everyones promo, or maybe just ones I feel like doing.

Either way

IF YOUD LIKE MY FEEDBACK TO BE PRIVATE POST IN HERE NOW


that way I will PM it to you or go over it with you on AIM. Otherwise it goes here.

Hannibal Frost: Firstly, which is something Im sure you know, the length of your promo is going to hurt you. Not because long promos are inherently good or bad, but because I feel like the promo you wrote really just filled the ammount of text you used, if that makes sense to you.

I think the best part of the promo, to be honest, was your interaction with Leon, whom you have painted well both as a guy who is still young but obviously mature, probably the most stable of the entire group you guys are in. You use a really good verbage in your promos and your choice of words add more than they take away from your promos, which is something that a lot of people have a hard time doing, so kudos on you.

There are a few things I dont really get though, and perhaps its from just not following on the continuity of your promos. Am I right in assuming that all the bad things that have happened to hannibal (the demons, Kayla, etc.) are because Hannibal is wrestling in FMW? I kind of get the feeling of that from your second interaction with Leon, when he brings Hannibal the pharmacuitcals. Theres also a few things you might want to double check on, like how you have Hannibal interacting with Vincent, he aims his pistol then raises it again when he tries to protect the girl.

I think the promo flows logically from beginning to the end, even though there are a few points like the Sinius battle, where Hannibal's friend unloads a shotgun into the demon and he goes unphased but Hannibal's super bullets rock the demon enough for him to get an advantage. I also didnt really understand the point of exploding the building.

Now, Im sure you're not going to want to hear this, since its clear you really put in a lot of effort in this promo, but I dont know what to think of it. I liked it better reading it a second time around, but Im still not sold. I also sort of feel like you put in references to Tyrant and wrestling in FMW just because, like you were almost afraid someone was going to be like "It was good, but it had no match reference" and it sort of felt out of place in the promo. Again, though, you have a good writing style, I just dont think this is going to be the homerun that you're expecting.


Anwyl: Lolol, walk hard. Anyway, first notice on a quick glance is that you have a few coding errors. You should try to go through and fix those, because it does hurt a read through. that being said if this is your first attempt at a FMW style promo, it really isn't bad for a first attempt. You might also want to consider using less color in your promo. Try maybe color coding only the names of someone, or italicise the text instead of bold it. The color array makes things a little rough on the eye.

I thought your Anwyl in an AA setting was really cool, I was actually kinda disappointed to have it be just a dream, but it brings up the question of why was he dreaming about that? Why was he so upset in the dream? You obviously mentioned later that he was living in the rehab center, but I'm hoping you continue to develop that storyline out.

I think you should try to work on a better way of introducing when Anwyl is thinking and seeing his dreams and when hes in reality. The way you have it written is sort of choppy, it interjects abruptly and then sort of stops. I'd be glad to work with you on this if youd like.

I think that you show a lot of potential to stick around here and that with just a little extra polish you could definately fit in here and possibly succeed, maybe even big. This promo was a step in the right direction, but it was still pretty unrefined. Keep at it, though. Get in touch with me whenever youd like too.


Hoodie: We'll talk about it over AIM, per usual.


Apostasy: I'll send you a text =)


OJA: Welcome to FMW. I'm glad to have you around, personally. Onto the promo, though.

I liked the idea you had with it but, as with Anwyl above, your style could use a little polishing. There are certain ways you can write things to make them flow better, sometimes its with less words, sometimes its with more. However, I liked the 'old school' match promo, it had that hoakey 80s character feel to it, to be honest, and thats not a bad thing. I liked the article clipping as well as it introduced us to your character and his history well, though I felt like it was a little mismatched with the promo setting.

Obviously being your first foray into FMW this was a good introductary promo, but I think you'll still have a ways to go. I'm almost certain you'll get it though, as you have really great building blocks here and a good concept of character. I'm sure you're gonna develop a following here very quickly. If you ever want my advice you know how to reach me.

Daniel Plesant: This being my first time reading your promo, I have to say I dont really get what its about. Im assuming the reason those people are experiencing such horrible things is because your character is making that so, but you dont ever really explain if he is or isnt and why thats relevant to him. You need to put some more effort into fleshing out the character, try to better explain his actions and why we should care about him.


Tyrant: I really liked this promo a lot. The TyranT never disappoints. I think you have a really good ability to portray a message without characters having to speak it outloud, which is a nice trait. I enjoyed the inner turmoil you portrayed with Tyrant and I do think you have one of the more unique characters in the fed. I've always wanted to do a grizzled veteran of types, but you pull it off awesomely.

Your promos are never hard to read or follow and you use excellent verbage, much like your opponent. I think this promo, much like the last Mt. V promo you had, is a good measurement to show why youre champion.


Abel Steele: Where as some people might think your promos erratic flow is akward, I thought it was great. You gave a really good feel of both desperation and despair out of Steele, not to mention I liked the theme of challenging FMW to meaure up to your character. I think you did a good job utilizing the ending of the match from last show to bring it in as momentum for this show.

I also find the more I read your promo the more Im interested, which is something not everyone does. I dont find myself thinking "oh, heres something I could have predicted coming" like I do with some promos. Not to say all other promos are bland or too linear, I think that this promo was exceptionally done, sort of a break from other similar promos. I think the ending was appropriate, but I felt like I wanted more from it, however. I think you did a really fine job, though, so dont take that too harsh. Plus we're friends ^_^


Drew: I'm sure we'll talk later about your promo and its awesomeness.


Dunnwood: I hear that a lot of people think this is the best work youve written, so thats quite the hype for your promo. I think you write well and have a presentation that is interesting but not confusing, which is nice.

However I cant really say the same for the content of your promo. Its probably because I havent been following your promos leading up to this one that closely, but as a writer you cant expect everyone to just keep up. Not to sound condensending, Im just saying.

I sort of felt like your promo was like one of those Old Spice commercials. I had talked about it in one of the chats too. "I'm on a plane, I'm on the phone, watch this tape, my ears are bleeding, watch me beat my cohorts. Heres me being awesome, theres the other guys, they're not awesome. Now look back at me," etc, etc. In all seriousness while I understood where your promo was leading, I felt like it was choppy. From what I understand this was almost an apex of the progession of your character, so I'm probably going to go back and reread your stuff and maybe I'll understand it better.

Seth Rotunda: I really really really liked this promo. As far as new guys go, I think this is one of the best Ive read. I really liked your approach to introducing us to your character. I think that its something we might have seen bits of before, but I felt your introduction was great.

I do think that there were bits you could improve on. Coding is one area. Another would be Your character depth. Like the scene where he hits on the receptionist, then runs away when he gets turned down (literally.) I almost felt like the character would be willing to take on security, or slyly get out of the situation, but I felt the running away was awkward. I know you're going to have a good future in FMW though if you can continue to produce and improve on promos like this.


David Ravish: Another introduction promo. I felt this one was good, though I will say that I felt it was a little rushed. I was finding myself getting interested in the history of your character and then the promo ended pretty abruptly. Perhaps you should consider trying to divulge more, or perhaps even write out flashbacks of that evening or something of the like and not just the exact moment. I dont want you to get the impression that I think you should force out promos purely for length, write until youve told the story you wanted to tell, but I think you could benefit greatly by giving us more, even if its just a little.


AVO: I'll be pretty frank with you, I dont like the whole "spiritual demon lets go back and forth through plains of existance thing". I think there are people who do it and have done it enough that we've seen when its good and bad, and its very hard to pull off well. While I think your promo was alright, I sort of wish you'd take a different path.

I will say that it, like the promo posted before yours, was pretty abrupt in its ending. I felt like it was a solid lead in to something else, but that something else never came. I do like that attitude that Axel has in his promos, however, and its something that I hope you build off of. I like reading his dialogue, but in general I dont like the direction. Its your character, and this is just one opinion, so write what makes you happiest. Thats what I tell everyone


Trey: I assume you never got to finishing this? I hope that you can down the road =)


Leviticus: I liked the concept of your opening, painting FMW as an evil entity you were rebelling from. One thing I didnt like about your promo was your coding. Maybe its because Im used to seeing names colored and text in white, perhaps a different shade of blue would be easier on the eyes. I also do like the interaction you had with the whole of GSW, I think its something that you guys really need to develop further if you're really going to make the angle better.

I get that youre also trying to build future promos with the escapee angle and all, but I didnt think it really made much of a contribution to the promo. I didnt think this promo was bad by any means Im just feel that this is just a fine building block for future ones.

Would like some.

In my defense I have decided that the whole angle I was going with will end up too much like others before me and I am going to head down a different path. I am glad you enjoy the Axel character, though because I definitely enjoy writing him. He has alot of "Brian" in him and it's beginning to show more and more. I wanted a way to bring the dead fiancee Becky back but I have figured out another way and I think it may be just as good without treading on ground others have before. I also planned a decent finish to the promo but real life got in the way and I had to cut it off.

Axel Van Osbourne wrote:

In my defense I have decided that the whole angle I was going with will end up too much like others before me and I am going to head down a different path. I am glad you enjoy the Axel character, though because I definitely enjoy writing him. He has alot of "Brian" in him and it's beginning to show more and more. I wanted a way to bring the dead fiancee Becky back but I have figured out another way and I think it may be just as good without treading on ground others have before. I also planned a decent finish to the promo but real life got in the way and I had to cut it off.

I think the decent finish could have been a dealbreaker, but again this is just my opinion. I really do like the character of Axel though and I think that if you continue that styling you have with him he can be a popular one.

? wrote:

Would like some.

YOU WAIT YOUR TURN >:=

Thanks for the feedback

the nick bryson wrote:

Axel Van Osbourne wrote:

In my defense I have decided that the whole angle I was going with will end up too much like others before me and I am going to head down a different path. I am glad you enjoy the Axel character, though because I definitely enjoy writing him. He has alot of "Brian" in him and it's beginning to show more and more. I wanted a way to bring the dead fiancee Becky back but I have figured out another way and I think it may be just as good without treading on ground others have before. I also planned a decent finish to the promo but real life got in the way and I had to cut it off.

I think the decent finish could have been a dealbreaker, but again this is just my opinion. I really do like the character of Axel though and I think that if you continue that styling you have with him he can be a popular one.

? wrote:

Would like some.

YOU WAIT YOUR TURN >:=

I am glad a vet such as yourself has the high opinion of my character that you do. I think he is developing nicely honestly and can only go up from here.