Steele's UIII Feedback - The Root'nest, Toot'nest feedback in town...

Okay so it's feedback time for thems what want it.

Anyone who wants feedback let me know and I will post it in here, but I will only be doing about five or so as time is fairly restricted right now.

Edible: Sent via PM.

1. Nick Bryson

This promo was very well constructed. The snippets flow together nicely covering enough of the events to tell the story, which is quite a large one, without getting bogged down in boring details. It is a style that I like and want to work on getting better at myself.

As a read it is entertaining enough, well written and easy to follow which is just par for the course for your work I think.

That said I do find the story a little bit... odd.

I was with you all the way up to the part where you bought a town and renamed it "Cleveland"

Aside from the techinicalities of becoming a citizen of another country, a process that takes years not days, I found the whole concept to be a bit strange.

You move to a country because you want to embrace the people and their culture and the first thing you do is buy up landholdings from locals and rename a very english town after a city from the counrty you are rejecting?? That just made no sense to me at all.

I also think the "headline" you threw in about FMW forcing you to choose a career was a tantilising one and would've loved to see more on that... but I am guessing we will ???

2. Ashburn

I'm gonna be upfront and say I haven't read a whole lot of your previous promos so bear that in mind. I may have missed something vital that you already told us...

Not bad. Clearly you are working to tell a story here and that is a good thing but I kinda wish you'd given us little bit more. You don't want to be the hero is a fair point but what I want to know is why. At the moment all this promo says I don't want you to like me because I'm a bad guy and to prove it let me kill a hobo... no wait it was a dream... gotcha

You write well and your character is interesting, just push it a little further

Still to come...

3. Gray

4. SoSB

5. Tyrant

That's all I'll take for now, if I get through them I will add more later.

meokthx

Yeah, feedback would be nice. =x

Pleasepleasepleaseplease

Please feedback the young shark too, please. I know it's short, but there is no excuse for me being less prompt with my promo than usual. At least feedback for the slight change in direction, please.

Pick me! Pick me!!!

Feedback would be great.

yes please

Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaase

Abel Steele wrote:

I was with you all the way up to the part where you bought a town and renamed it "Cleveland"

Aside from the techinicalities of becoming a citizen of another country, a process that takes years not days, I found the whole concept to be a bit strange.

You move to a country because you want to embrace the people and their culture and the first thing you do is buy up landholdings from locals and rename a very english town after a city from the counrty you are rejecting?? That just made no sense to me at all.

Well, the thing I was trying to be subtle about was that I didnt really want to move there because I love England so much, its because they like me and the character loves to 1) capitolize on controversy and 2) bolster his own name. Perhaps I need to be more direct, if only a little more.

Thats sort of the gist of the idea.

Also:
Becoming a citizen may take years for regular peons BUT IM ME AND IM RICH. /troll

thanks abel.