Feedback from a rater, begin to know where you are going wrong.

Looking to hit out alot today so lets have em, or do I need to pick some people out?

Me.

Give it a shot, if you want. I'm trying to find the right direction, and feedback might help.

This guy once the promo is all up

I would like some feedbax please sir

Gray:

Your first person introduction was an interesting part to read. Your ideas were great in it. To have the initial “I don’t know what I’m doing” to then transform into the questioning stage and then to give a final statement of knowing why it’s happening. Now for the layout you use, you should be able to put more into that. I found myself being quite strung up on your use of words in it though. A key example was: “Well, that’s not correct, I do know enough of the how to know how to make it work. I guess there it’s more of the why.” It just doesn’t read smoothly. I’d remove the first “how to” and simply have similar to this “well that’s not correct, I do know enough to understand how to make it work. But why does it work like that.”

A good step would be to use a sentence structure that flows better, something that you can read easily without having to watch where the commas go or re-read. “How to know how to make it work” was a stopping point for me, as it takes a second read to get that. So for that, simply read it back to yourself and that should help with that. And look to use more than a couple of words over and over. Do, Don’t, How, Why, etc. You’ll find that if you look to broaden your promo’s vocabulary it will help your descriptors a lot and give you a better sense of where to use certain words.

Now to get into the thick of your promo, I found your biggest let down to be your dialogue. I always enjoy a 1st person’s description of what they see and you kept that for most parts, but the only point of that was to make sure that the terms you use (eg. Flesh Eater) you give more than a title to. Even if you were writing a zombie promo, still to give a rough description of each one, to bring the words to a visual idea. Now I am really picking on this only because it led into your first piece of dialogue.

The flesh eater, the one that could be imagined to have a hunger for blood, accompanied by a mob of people, possibly more flesh eaters says to the main character. “Mr. Gray? My name is Ida Walker. I found an ad for you online.” It just comes off as 1) to generic 2) off-color to what you made her look to be.

A possible solution:

“Mr. Gray?

Gray: Yes…

“My name is Ida Walker, I was hoping to speak to you about your online ad.”

Gray: Ahh of course. And you brought friends.

Don’t be afraid to break up your dialogue into more than one piece. It gives it that flow of how you would speak. And additionally to that it gives you the opportunity to put more descriptors into it, and with your style of 1st person opinion, it would work a lot better.

Another example would be:
Ms. Walker: That....that would be Tyler.

Gray: Your son?

Ms. Walker: No...my nephew. My brother and his wife passed away three years ago in a car accident.

This piece of dialogue is a perfect example of breaking it up. To simply have Ms. Walker reply with “No, he’s my nephew” and then follow up with Gray asking “And does he live with you” before getting into the details of his parents dying. I guess you could have been rushing this, but again, just break it up.

Now the last point to break open was really given in this extract

Tyler: Do you...really think I can make it up to everyone?

I look at the kid and give him a smile. Long road ahead for him, the road to change. Not worried though. See way too much of me in him.

Gray: Ah, I'd say about as good a chance as I did.

You just need to put a few more words into it, not to make it bigger, but to give it linking words and make it flow.

“I looked over at the kid and gave him a smile. It would be a long road ahead of him, but it was a road he could change. It would be nothing to worry about though, I see too much of myself in him, for me to think like that.”

Just build the sentence together, make it flow. As I found that was your main weakness in this, so work on your sentence and dialogue structures and make sure when you post it, you can read it fluently.

But to give you a thumbs up, your storyline is engaging and with the rest of your promo lifting, that will only be magnified.

Keep at it!

Son of Shark Boy:

Ok I’ll get into the rest, but firstly you need to work on that coloring. It blinds me to read your promo. Either take off the bolding and just have it as

SoSB: I haven’t been much for blogs before…

Or just dim the color a couple of shades using a HTML coded color. Leon’s isn’t just [color=orange] it’s actually [color=#FF8000]. So maybe change it into a color=#3399FF

See the difference:

I haven’t been much for blogs before, but the Linguist recommended I should start this blog to give people a glimpse into my perspectives, as well as to put my annoyance at being cooped up in between trainings and matches. “Internet is more than just good porn,” says my manager, and seeing that I can post messages for my shark-watchers… The Linguist was right.

I haven’t been much for blogs before, but the Linguist recommended I should start this blog to give people a glimpse into my perspectives, as well as to put my annoyance at being cooped up in between trainings and matches. “Internet is more than just good porn,” says my manager, and seeing that I can post messages for my shark-watchers… The Linguist was right.

Otherwise if you don’t like that color, check out this website: http://www.w3schools.com/html/html_colors.asp

Just remember to put it as [color=#COLOR NUMBER]


Now to get to your actual text. I found your dialogue to be slightly twisted in the words you chose “glimpse into my perspectives” “cooped up in between trainings and matches.” Maybe to reword them into “glimpse into my perspective of things” and “Cooped up in between endless training sessions and matches” could work better to flow through your promo.

Now reading it all I did find it to be more an excellent piece of TTing rather than a promo, and that isn’t to insult nor dishearten. It’s great to read and most of us put a section of that in our promos, but you have to seize the moment in the promo to display who your character really is.

An easy point to start with that style is to look at your Wills and Wont’s in your roster info, and then begin to ask yourself why are they wills and wont’s.

Why wouldn’t SoSB put his mask on the line, maybe put the history of the mask into a promo or how he came to wrestling.
Have The Linguist to speak for him: How did SoSB meet The Linguist, make a scene out of it.
And basically just give more detail to SoSB’s biography. Bring it to life.
Even if you showed a SoSB training session, just give us a backstage look at SoSB.
Even if he eats a fish,

It’s all known as character style & development and with a character style like SoSB it would be highly engaging to read more about who he is.

Lastly, your descriptors were good, nicely presented but put more into them. Rather than “SoSB scratched his chin, then decided to write more about his disdain for the Outcast that is Christian Parkes.” maybe turn it into something like this

SoSB would lift his hand and begin to gently scratch his chin, even though it was a minor attempt to reach through the mask it wouldn’t pause from the fact that he was thinking deeply. Lowering his hand once more to rest onto the flat keys of the mini-laptop he would begin to write about what he thought of his other opponent, the Outcast of FMW Christian Parkes

Now see that I didn’t write anything new to what you wrote, however I put more descriptive words into it and drew it out. Remember that our lives aren’t just of one action and then onto another. We move our body, we inhale and exhale, we look in different directions and we have a mind full of thoughts. Don’t be afraid to put a few more words in to showcase this in your promo, again it helps the flow.

Overall your biggest positive is the character of SoSB, he is different to everyone else in FMW and that is something to deliver! So tell us about him, what else makes Son of Shark Boy the man he is.

Keep going with it!

If you have time. Pick me! Pick Me!!!

Fuck those douches, especially that TyranT fella. He doesn't need feedback.

Could I get some please, Leon?

Yeah, I'd like to know where I'm fouling up. Do your worst.

like some feedback

Send some my way, if it ain't too much trouble.

< ? =3