Bringing the FeedBack Back (12.2)

If you want it simply ask
I will give you feedback

Once received your simple task;
You will give me feedback

There hasn't been enough of this going on lately and I know I want the feedback on my own promo, so yeh. I don't want to feedback anyone in here who'd prefer not to have my opinion. So if you want my opinion just shout....

I can haz?

I can haz? C-c-c-combo broken.

Okay I will definitely get to these 5 over the weekend. Anyone who asks from now I will try to get to but no promises.

I can absolutely give it my best shot sir. I look forward to your thoughts. I will try to feedback others who will return the favor as well.

Ok here goes with the (slightly delayed) feedback:




Tiberius Jefferson

I am going to state first up here that I missed your first promo with this character Ro so I am making assumptions that this whole thing is some sort of blog that Tiberius is compiling for his son?

Anyway

I like the concept. It's different to the standard fare. The writing is either very cleverly crafted to come across as if it is the inner thoughts of Tiberius as they cross his mind whilst sitting at the computer, without any editing. Either that or you just rushed through it all but I suspect the former.....

I like the tension between Tiberius and Romeo and I can't wait to see the guy tell his boss where to go

I want to see more of this style Ro. Particularly I'd like to see some events that happen in FMW being retold through the blog and being protrayed as something different to the event we were all shown on FMW because that's the reality of "how Tiberius saw them".

My favourite part was the reference to the trash talking though. The way Tiberius talks about it is very close to how I'm sure many of us feel when starting out trash talking from an OOC perspective nad I really identified with the character at that point.

I normally like to give some criticisms wth my feedback but I don't really have one for you this time Ro.

Cliff Carson

Ok man I like your style, very simplistic. What I didn't like so much was the overuse of quotes from previous shows. We've all seen (read) what happened before and don't need half a page of quote thrown at us. If there is something really important a couple of lines should cover it and most of the time simply stating that Cliff is watching highlights of a particualr event is more than enough.

Once you take out those quotes I think you wrote a grand total of about 20 lines. Now you're new to FMW and finding your feet but I'll tell you now that won't win you a lot of matches here.

Give us something of the character to get a hold of. Why should we give two shits about wether he wins or loses? Why should we sympathise with him being forced to earn his place back on the roster? These are the sorts of things you need to explore a bit further if you want to progress from the lower card.

On to the positives: What you actually did wriet was quite good. Easy to read with a nice tempo and the conversations, which are often the hardest part for most people to write, felt very natural.

All in all you show some good signs and just need to keep reading other promos to get used to FMW's style then adapt that into something that is all your own.

Butters

I'm gonna contradict myself a little here from what I just said to Freakie. You used a fair bit of quotes from previous shows but at least most of them were old shows that many would have forgotten or not even been around for. I don't mind that so much.

However I will say this: You sounded like a whiny bitch the whole way through. If you want to go with the "Chris Austin stole my mojo" premise then at least I think you need to give us something as to WHY you deserved those moments instead. You barely mention your own achievments in the lead up to those memories and why it was wrong for Chris Austin to steal your moments of glory (Apart from one comment from Sleg about you winning two ring's of fire).

To me this made the promo all feel as if it were a Chris Austin promo rather than a Butters promo. Perhaps a bit harsh but you can take or leave my criticism at your leisure.

As for what I did like:

The style was easy to read, with good use of colour. The interaction with Sleg was strong and the intro with the choking/drowning on dry land was really quite a beautiful analogy.


Alex O'Rion

Where to start.........how about with did you proof read this at all? Now I'm not really in a position to get all uppity about it because I didn't proof read either and if I re-read my own promo it would probably be as bad, but, there are some glaring errors that take away a lot from the story.

Now I say they take away because your writing had a real good tempo to it. I'd say you are a natural storyteller and having to go back and re-read a sentence two or three times to decipher what you meant to say kills that tempo.

Okay on to the promo itself.

I was a bit surprised at the character portrayal. When I got through Alex putting his new girlfriend in danger as a test for his team mate I thought that was very harsh, then whe he snuck back into the bed and we find out she wasn't in on it (which I had assumed until that point) I thought "wow, Alex is one callous bastard"

Now i don't know the full Alex O story from day one, but for me that doesn't fit with what I have seen of the character since you have been back. You talk about your loved ones being your achilles heel and you wanting to protect them and putting Jess in danger just seemed way out of character to me. I'm sure you are thinking "yeh, but Alex was there to make sure nothing happened" and I suppose that is true, but what would Alex have done if Austin hadn't helped? How would he have explained to Jessica that he was able to save the day because he was watching her from the shadows and using her as bait?

I am intrigued that Adrian made an appearance..... that was a surprise that truly caught me off guard. I expected the second person to be Austin. Maybe I am reading way too much into it but for me that spoke of how despite all his talk about "I should trust Chris" deep down he still doesn't trust him with important stuff. If that was the intention it was very powerful and I say "Bravo to you, sir".

All in all the story is good if somewhat cliche, but your tlling of it makes it enjoyable. The first person narrative is easily my favourite part and you keep us coming along with Alex's witty little remarks to himself. I particularly enjoyed the commentary on the "hip crowd" at the night club. What you describe could seriously be my own personal hell.....

One last thing and this isn't really feedback but I got a chuckle out of it when I was reading your promo.....

Alex O'Riolu wrote:

“Ah come on byes, I’m a celebrity.” I saw, my hand reaching into the trench coat behind me, I smile as I feel the comfortably wood there.

<---- SO MUCH HOMO!!!!!!!!


David GS

George Fisher wrote:

"When you aim for perfection, you find it's a moving target"

I rarely read a promo and think to myself "not sure how I would make that better". Tyrant is the last to put together a promo I was that impressed by, .........until now.

Your story was well constructed, the scene well set. The dialogue was spot on and the two main characters are incredibly well rounded. I actually FELT something for the "Brothers Smith" when they arrived back at the house.

When I said that I couldn't think of how I would improve your promo, my very first thought after reading and trying to disassemble it was maybe the action scene was a little on the short side. Then I re-read it all and I decided that no, less is often more. Just like the hot chick whose stylish and classy outfit hints ant the sexy body underneath is always more attractive than the dirty slut who lets it all hang out, you give us just enough to know what we are meant to be thinking without throwing it in our face and rubbing our noses in it.

Your promo proves that you don't have to write big to write well

If I had to make one criticism of your promo it would simply be that the story is very cliche and been done like a nhundred billion times in FMW but when you write it as well as you did that really doesn't matter.

If you hadn't figured it out by now, I am a massive fan of this promo (and that is not true of some of your previous efforts). It was, in my opinion, easily the best of the show, round and cycle. If you can continue to write in this fashion then I think you are a serious contender for Mt V.......but as my opening quote says, perfection is fluid. You have set the bar high for yourself now.....can you raise it even further?

As I sit in my home,
Alone in this house.
Not a thing was stirring,
Not even my mouse.

I sit watching the Saints,
The Boondocks not Latter,
When suddenly from my comp,
There arose such a clatter.

I sprang from my couch,
Chips spilling in air,
In hopes that my feedback,
Might soon be there.

I open the thread,
Eyes tearing with hope,
I read to the bottom,
See my name, nope.

Sorely saddened I think,
What gave him such pause?
He'd best hurry up,
Or I'll kick his ass as I did that damned Claus.

I get bored easily.....

Why, somebody make this man the Poet Laureate.

And thanks, Abel. It was rushed, yes, but that doesn't mean it wasn't calculated. You'll be seeing more of what you suggested, I promise.

Abel Steele wrote:

Cliff Carson
stuff

=D

Will (try) to edit back to you.

Updated for Alex & DGS.

I'd love to say I proof read it.

But that'd be a lie, I just wanted to get it up and that's my own failing.

As for Alex, people seem to forget that less than a year ago he was capable of killing his own dad. Sure he wants to be a better person, but he still has a lot of work to do. I think though I am relying to much on people knowing the characters past, which is almost five years now and I need to do more to bring up the parts I want remembered.

Also, yes....to much homo.

I need to proofread more often <_>"

Anyway thank you very much for the insight sir, I will have yours up tomorrow.

I'm glad you liked the promo, sir. I'll admit that I was a bit worried about the concept since it was something I kinda came up with last minute, but it turned out better than I ever imagined it would.

I find that in certain situations, brevity is a good thing if you can strike the right balance with it. However, more often than not, that balance is incredibly difficult to find, and I'll consider myself blessed if I can crank out another promo that meets the bar set by this one any time in the near future.

Alex O'Riolu wrote:

Anyway thank you very much for the insight sir, I will have yours up tomorrow.

My offer for a picture with the feedback fell through. I'll do a trade though if it would float your boat more.

Yeah.

So I completely forgot about this.

I'll post yours today sir.

Double Post because I can.

Abel Steele: I won't comment on your grammar or spelling as I'm not the greatest at that without excess time to begin with. As for the promo itself, it disturbed me. Not necessarily in a bad way, but flying Pump Houses, Female Drew's (shudders) and the fact that it was a wizard of Oz promo just weirded me out and I have no idea why.

The story itself was a solid and humorous take on a classic tale. I really enjoyed the parody on the characters, although the digs at Seth being fat and dumb have been done. We all do it, I think I would have liked to see you try and use something a little less obvious there. I liked the tie in of your opponent as yet another girl, and the whole "Did you think I was going to melt or something" was a great line.

All in all it was a solid promo, maybe not your best work on account of being a parody, but a good promo that I don't have much in the way of bad things to talk about.

Except Female Drew fairies.

I'll never forgive you for that mental image.