Edible: There sure is some bad blood here.
Tech: Yeah, I caught Alchemy 7.1 last week, I saw Marky roll the Notorious B.U.G up and the BUG-Man’s manager sure wasn’t happy. Bob Busta’-nut.
Edible: How utterly low brow. You do know that’s not his name.
Tech: Dude, I can’t pronounce Baganush or whatever man. I’m here to call the show, that’s all.
Cherry: Introducing first, from Philadelphia, at 6’1” and 230lbs, MAAARKY MAAAARK!
James Brown’s The Payback explodes from the P.A to mixed reactions and jets of white pyro.Tech: Here comes the Informer, or shall we call him the opportunist?
Edible: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Tech: Not at all, B.U.G’s a big guy, and he took his chance; he had to.
Edible: Look, just because you saw 7.1 doesn’t make you an expert. Ever wonder why you lost your job in the first place?
Tech: Ouch dude. Ouch.
Cherry: And his opponent, at 6’10” and 350lbs, the Notorious B.U.G!
Tech: Boy, ain’t this kid huge?
Edible: Boy, ain’t this kid ugly?
Tech: But does it matter? With his size, he’s easily going to render most of Marky’s finishers impossible, or simple muscle his way out.
Edible: He’ll find a way, or he’ll fail. Simple as that.
Dust in the Wind by Kansas screams out as B.U.G emerges, adding to the noise himself.B.U.G: I’M SO DAMN SEXY!
Edible: Who does he think he’s fooling?
Bob Babaganoosh steps from behind the curtain, shaking his head, however, his charge is already in the ring by the time the Pro-Wrestling hating Manager has begain his approach to the squared circle.Tech: And I do believe we’re off with a good ol’ fashioned slug-a-thon.
Edible: How very crude.
Tech: But a kickass demo. of how the Bug can use his size to get momentum, Marky already in the corner and the ref is struggling to draw Buggy away from reigning down blows.
Edible: It still leaves me wanting more.
Tech: WOAH! How’s that for more? Big body splash from the Bug sandwiches Marky, boy looks like a pancake. ..! What the hell is he doing?
Edible: It appears like he’s groping himself. A man of that size should not take such pleasure in his, moobs, I believe the word on the street is.
Tech: All unpleasant, mental scar producing visuals aside, the bigger man is going for another of those running splashes, and OOOH.
Edible: Perfect, by the book drop toe hold causes the Bug to eat turnbuckle. It may even fix his face.
Tech: Not one of Marky’s usual moves there, but it worked.
Edible: As I said, adapt or die.
Tech: Well, the Bug’s abit dazed, looks like Mark’s going to try capitalize on this with a HUGE Neckbreaker. Almost a seven foot Neckbreaker, to be precise. And the cover.
ONE! T!
Edible: Too early. Marky Mark’s going to have to keep the heat on.
Tech: And that he does. Now B.U.G’s grounded, Marky can keep things familiar. Look at those heavy boots to the chest, it’s going to take you breath away.
Edible: And the Brute just shoves Marky away. Marky hits the rope as Bug gets up.
Tech: Clothesline by Marky, it doesn’t move B.U.G.
Edible: And again.
Tech: And again.
Edible: And agai, no. Not again.
Tech: Marky eats boot, and Bob whats-his-name is yelling orders to his dude.
Edible: B.U.G setting Marky up now, Pumphandle slam?
Tech: WITH ADDED PELVIC THRUST?!
Edible: Marky has just been violated.
Tech: And ejected! B.U.G easily throws his opponent over the top. Holy shit. How do you get up from just being thrown like a rag doll like that?
Edible: He’ll find a way.
Tech: I hope he does it soon, I can’t take much more of this graphic display.
As B.U.G continues to showboat, i.e, touch himself inappropriately in the ring, his manager works Marky over with a few sharp kicks outside the ring.
This, however, awakens Marky from the initial impact, and at the Ref’s count of five…Tech: OH MY GOD! MARKY FOLDS BUSTA’NUT IN HALF WITH A CLOTHESLINE.
Edible: B.U.G’s not too pleased about this, he’s reaching through the second rope to try drag Marky back to the ring like some sort of Ghoul!
Tech: Marky breaks free of the big mans grasp though, springs of the ring steps and hangs B.U.G up to dry with a cutter!
Edible: Marky hitting the ring with a vengeance now, Bug’s gotta be short on breath and Marky is punishing him for the events of this match now, Irish whip.
Tech: Big boot on the rebound? That could take his head off!
Edible: No, Marky ducks it, and look at that Spinebuster!
Tech: That had to bust Marky’s spine just picking him up!
Edible: And the cover! Notice the use of the ropes for leverage?
Tech: I think we all see it, but still, only a two count. What is it going to take to put this man away?
Edible: I’m unaware.
Tech: B.U.G sitting up now, Lou Thez Press! And it’s Marky’s turn to tattoo his knuckles into B.U.G’s skull now!
Edible: After so many blows to the head, you know the Big Ugly Guy’s not seeing straight.
Tech: Marky settin’ up for a DDT now, this could well do it, Marky jumps to get a bit more momentum into it. Nu-uh. Denied. B.U.G spins Marky round in midair and drops a Piledriver. No way he’s kicking out from that.
ONE! TWO! TH!
Edible: Marky got to the ropes, but I don’t quite think he knows where he is.
Tech: He knows enough to sweep B.U.G’s legs from beneath him.
Edible: That could just well be instincts.
Tech: Marky setting up for his finisher, will B.U.G talk!?
Edible: He’s going to tap! I can feel it!
Tech: No, he’s not. B.U.G muscles out, as I said he would.
Edible: You can see the despair on Mark’s face.
Tech: At least that modified Sharpshooter had some affect, B.U.G’s legs look a little weak beneath him.
Edible: And a kick to the knee has him hobbling more.
Tech: Boy, don’t you ever learn? Clotheslines don’t take this man down?!
Edible: Apparently not, Marky’s going for another clothesline now. B.U.G anticipates, boot raised!
Tech: Baseball slide under. AND A SCHOOL BOY! SHADES OF REBIRTH HERE! MARKY HAS THE TIGHTS AGAIN!
ONE!
Edible: Haha!
Tech: Why do FMW refs not see shit?
TWO!
Edible: Why do talent less brutes like B.U.G have jobs?
Tech: Bob Buggaloo is getting up, and he’s pissed, he’s
THREE!
Cherry: And the winner, by pinfall,
MARKY MARK!Marky Mark (7.08 aps + 2.7 avs = 9.78 total)The Notorious B.U.G. (7.15 aps + 1.2 avs = 8.35 total)
Edible: Adapt or Die, what did I say?
Tech: Not cool man, there’s taking what you need to get that win, but this match could have offered so much more. And in response to your prior comment, I personally feel B.U.G’s unorthodox style is quite interesting, and I for one feel a little cheated.
Edible: Bah, what do you know, Spot Monkey?
The camera opens with Victoria Cherrywood standing next FMW Superstar, Corky Angle.Veronica Cherrywood: Hello everyone, I’m here with FMW Superstar, Corky Angle who hasn’t been seen since he lost a triple threat match to Andrew Shiner and Jack Hillman.
Corky Angle: What a great match that was!
Veronica Cherrywood: Really?
Corky Angle: Of course. How often can a guy of my stature say he was double-pinned by the more boring athlete and the biggest alcoholic in this company!
Veronica Cherrywood: I would think you’d be pretty disappointed with your debut in FMW!
Corky Angle: Disappointed? Yes. But let’s face it, everyone has an off night. I mean, how can I compete against that duo?
Corky Angle: By the two minute mark in the match I had a contact-drunk from Hillman. That definitely made me woozy.
Corky Angle: Then Shiner was talking during the entire match. I can’t even remember half of his boring insults, but let’s just say by the time the match was over, I was more than happy to get double-pinned, just to get out of that ring!
Veronica Cherrywood: That sounds awful!
Corky Angle: Oh Vanessa, it was terrible!
Veronica Cherrywood: Again with the name?
Corky Angle: You look more like a Jessica, but Vanessa is okay I guess.
Veronica Cherrywood: My name is...
Corky Angle: Vanessa was the name of the ugly girl on the Cosby Show. Did you ever see that?
Veronica Cherrywood: Not really.
Corky Angle: Well anyway, speaking of shows, I brought a tape.
Veronica Cherrywood: A tape?
Corky Angle: Yes. I was on the $100,000 Pyramid this week.
Veronica Cherrywood: Oh.
Corky Angle: So, let’s roll it!
The camera cuts to a taped segment from the set of the $100,000 Pyramid.Corky Angle in sitting in a chair with his back to the playing board.The contestant is facing the Pyramid.Dick Clark is the host.Dick Clark: Well Corky, you and Celina Reyes have already done very well to reach this far but if you manage to clear the Pyramid in the next 60 seconds... Celina you will be going home with $100,000!
Celina Reyes: Ooohhhh...
Dick Clark: Corky, Celina will receive clues from the Pyramid, it will be your job to try and guess all the clues in 90 seconds, Celina be careful not to use any words in the clue or you will not receive credit for it.
Dick Clark: Does everybody understand the rules?
Corky Angle: I'm ready, Dick!
Dick Clark: Celina are you ready?
Celina Reyes: I'm ready, Dick.
Dick Clark: Alright then begin... now!
The first clue on the Pyramid turns.Celina Reyes: Uh... uh... Sarah Jessica Parker... uh.. Rosie O’Donnell...
Corky Angle: People who suck, Dick?
Dick Clark: Uh... that's right! Onto the next one!
The second clue on the Pyramid turns.Celina Reyes: Uh... something a masseuse would do... how you would pet a cat...
Corky Angle: ...
Celina Reyes: How you would be massaged... something to do with golf...
Corky Angle: Ways to stroke, Dick?
Dick Clark: Uh... ok onto the next one.
The third clue on the Pyramid turns.Celina Reyes: Ok.. ok.. Cable... AOL... a car...
Corky Angle: ..Um.. Things you can do without, Dick?
Dick Clark: Um.. yes Corky. Next category!
The fourth clue on the Pyramid turns.Celina Reyes: Umm... bad... miserable... awful...
Corky Angle: The type of clues you give?
Celina Reyes: Uh... happy.. sad... depressed..
Corky Angle: .....
Celina Reyes: Umm.... excited..
Corky Angle: Ways you feel, Dick?
Dick Clark: Right! Next one...
Corky Angle: What am I getting for this now?
Dick Clark: You will have the satisfaction of helping Celina go home with $100,000!
The fifth clue on the Pyramid turns.Celina Reyes: Okay... bananas... cucumbers... carrots.....
Corky Angle: Wait a minute woman... what do you mean, Dick? I don't get any of the money?
Dick Clark: No Corky... you are the celebrity!
Corky Angle: Which is why I should get the money!
Dick Clark: Time is running out Corky!
Celina Reyes: Your finger... your tongue...
Corky Angle: Didn't I say shut up?
Corky Angle: Dick... really... the honor of being here with a Special Olympic gold medalist should be enough!
Celina Reyes: Please Corky... we're almost out of time!
Corky Angle: How much money have I won so far?
Dick Clark: You have earned Celina $25,000.
Corky Angle: Well, if I'm not getting any of that money... then I think that's more than enough for her to buy her crack baby some formula!
A buzzer signals the end of time.Dick Clark: That is the end of time.
Celina is in tears.Dick Clark: I'm sorry, but you have NOT won the $100,000.
Corky Angle: You're damn right she hasn't! What do I look like? I am not the Welfare Department! I don't make money for people... I make it for myself like a normal American! My work here is done!
Corky Angle walks off the set.Dick Clark: Uh.. well folks, we'll see you next time on the All-New $100,000 Pyramid!
Celina Reyes is still crying as the footage ends.Veronica Cherrywood: Well that wasn’t very nice.
Corky Angle: Yeah, no kidding! Can you believe they expected me to show up for free?
Veronica rolls her eyes. Corky Angle: I mean I’m a Special Olympic gold medalist! I’ve won World titles, huge tournaments, I am definitely worth more than FREE!
Veronica Cherrywood: I’m sure you are, Corky.
Corky Angle: Well, anyway... I’m ready for my next opponent here in FMW!
Veronica Cherrywood: Any word on who that might be?
Corky Angle: No. They haven’t told me yet, but I’ll tell you... I hope it isn’t that alcoholic again.
Veronica Cherrywood: Well Corky, I’m sure your fans will keep a close eye on you, and your journey here in FMW!
Corky Angle: Thank you Vanessa!
Veronica Cherrywood: Dammit, Corky!
Corky Angle: What?
Veronica Cherrywood: Well, there you have it. That’s it from here! Corky, all the best for Seven point three.
The camera fades.Tech: Well for our main event to what has been an outstanding appetizer to Circus Maximus, we have a Triple Threat match about to be contested under Ultraviolent rules, and the winner gains a FMW Television Tag Team Championship match with a partner of their choosing.
Edible: What is it with FMW always having me call Ultraviolent matches, I specifically asked for a non-Ultraviolent match calling clause in my contract!!
Tech: Hopefully, this one opens your eyes!
EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S BUTTERS
THAT’S ME!
“This is the New Shit” by Marylin Manson starts up to a decent pop. Bobino comes out, very focused and slapping hands with a few fans. He cringes as a few start a “Butters” chant, but he continues to smile as the chant is done in support.Cherry: The following contest is a triple-threat Ultraviolent match, scheduled for one fall where the winner will be awarded a future TV Tag Title match! Introducing the first competitor; from Boston, Massachusetts; weighing in at 251 pounds… BOBINO!
Tech: And we start things off tonight with Bobino, who’s looking to turn around his career tonight with a big win. But, he’s obviously at a disadvantage with his opponents being very well versed in an environment like this. And I gotta say, it’s uncool that management added that South Park sound byte to his intro.
Edible: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I hope Butters wins this. He’s the only one with some understanding of what a good wrestler is with his Technical style.
Tech: Imagine the irony of Bobino being a good wrestler by some standards. But, I think he’s very serious about his new goal. A win tonight would put him in the right direction, giving him momentum for a possible TV Tag title shot as well as the Hayabusa Cup Tourney he entered.
Edible: Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now.
Announcer: Now, the second competitior, weighing 290 pounds from Wodonga, Austraila….STYXX!
“Are You Dead Yet” by Children of Bodom hits, and Styxx, wearing a hockey mask and trenchcoat comes out to mostly boos and some cheers. As he gets to ringside, Adema Aeries explodes from the crowd, blindsiding Styxx with a clubbing blow as the bell rings.Tech: And we’re off! Aeries trying to gain the advantage, but Styxx stops him with a big foot to the face!
Edible: Butters is standing back, letting the two giant oafs go at it, I am liking his strategy so far! Styxx now has the steel steps, and that shot to Aeries’ face was uncalled for!! Why to these bloodthirsty animals cheer this crap?
Tech: Aeries is already busted open! Styxx has Aeries in his arms now, looking to ram him into the steel post….
Bobino, seeing his opportunity, bounces off the ropes and dives through the other ropes, taking down both Aeries and Styxx! The crowd cheers as Bobino urges them on by waving his hands in the air.Edible: Butters picks his spot and takes both of them down! Great ring generalship if I say so myself.
Tech: Bobino has Aeries up now, and a bodyslam onto the steps shakes the ringside area! But Styxx is back up, and he’s coming for Bobino, and down goes Bobino with a Northern Lariat!
Edible: And now that unrefined behemoth is littering the ring with chairs, kendo sticks, trash cans, and a table. That man should be fired!
Tech: I dare you to tell him that to his face.
As Edible quickly pipes down, the crowd groans as Styxx hiptosses Bobino into the fan barrier. He then rolls Aeries into the ring, and charges him only to be powerslammed onto a Garbage can. Aeries quickly goes for a pin.Tech: Aeries covers….1, 2-kickout! I don’t think the War god goes that quickly!
Edible: Get back in there Butters, show them what wrestling really is!
Tech: Bobino is sliding back in now, and quickly takes out a kneeling Aeries with a low dropkick! Bobino now tossing Styxx out of the ring!
Edible: Bobino now using a chair to work on Aeries’ back. That’s the only way to deal with idiots like Adema. Bobino has him now, and a textbook Belly-to-back suplex on the chair! Ouch!
Bobino goes for a cover, only for Styxx to break it up with a Kendo stick to Bobino. Bobino slowly rises, and is turned inside out by Styxx thanks to a Lariat using the stick!Crowd: OHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Tech: Bobino rolls outside the ring and looks to be knocked out! Aeries trying to go back on the offensive, driving Styxx back to the ropes with punches and knees. Irish Whip now, reversed by Styxx, and Styxx has lifted Aeries up in a Gorilla Press!!
Edible: I’ll admit, that is impressive strength.
Tech: Styxx has him near that crushed trash can, and he TRANSITIONS INTO A SPINEBUSTER ONTO THE CAN!!! Aeries has to be out!
Edible: That should be the end of this fiasco!
Tech: Cover 1, 2, 3-no!!! Bobino yanks Styxx off by the leg, and now he has an Stepover Toehold Sleeper locked in, and a chain around the neck for good measure!!
Edible: Where did he get that chain from?
Tech: I’d guess under the ring, you can find anything under there. Styxx is stretching, scrambling for the ropes, but Bobino has that hold cinched in!
Edible: Tap Styxx, for my and only my sake!
Tech: Styxx reaches the ropes, but Bobino doesn’t have to break the hold! Aeries with a legdrop to the back of Bobino’s head, breaking up the hold. Aeries lifts up Bobino, but Bobino quickly counters with a release Belly-to-Belly suplex!
Edible: Yes, Bobino, by the book as it should be, the crowd is actually appreciating what he’s doing, and I love it!
Tech: Shouldn’t you be going for the rule breakers, like Styxx and Aeries?
Edible: No. They are below me, well everyone is but they are way down on the ladder.
Bobino bulldogs Styxx down, and places Aeries in a Tree of Woe. He grabs a chair, and yells to the crowd “I’m doing this for you!!!!”. The crowd cheers him on as he makes a surfer’s hand signal, takes off toward Aeries and dropkicks the chair into his face!Tech: Surf’s up for Aeries!! Bobino is really feeling it now!
Edible: But Styxx is up, and completely flattens Butters with a chokeslam! Look at him, now trying to pick the bones of Aeries who’s pretty much out of it. Despicable.
Technican: Get that bank roll out of your ass man, you’re bring down my enjoyment of the match with your commentary. I suggest you fix it!
Edible: No! I am free to express my opinions! And how dare you insult me?
Tech: Because I can! Styxx going for a pin now, 1, 2, Aeries barely beats the count from the ref! And Styxx is none to happy!
Edible: What is Bobino doing, he seems to be setting up that table for something!
Tech: That’s gotta be for a sick spot, Bobino is a thinking man’s wrestler, you know. Aeries sneaks up behind Styxx, and he’s looking for the WG Slam, but Styxx elbows out of it before Aeries can lift him. Styxx now has him up, and a standing Falcon Arrow from the temperamental Aussie!
Edible: You know, I’ve noticed that even though Aeries is a pronounced Hardcore ‘specialist’, he hasn’t really gotten out of the blocks even though he started off the action.
Tech: Bad karma, maybe?
Edible: Who knows, but Styxx is looking for more punishment, and Aeries finally gets a move in with a Death Valley Driver! He goes for a cover but only gets 2.
Tech: Aeries has a chair now, and he nails Styxx in the gut with it! Now a shot across the back floors Styxx! But Bobino is back, and he chop blocks Aries down!
Edible: The Darwinist has really wrestled a smart match here, kudos to him.
Tech: Here comes Styxx now, and he has a light tube! He swings, and Bobino evades, and Aeries goes out like a light!!!
Edible: Styxx doesn’t even care, he takes down Bobino with a Sidewalk slam. He has the advantage now and I do not like it!
Tech: Styxx kicks a chair in place, he’s setting Adema up for the Terror Cutter, and he hits it!
TERROR CUTTER on that chair!
Edible: But Butters yanks off Styxx, and floors him with a Lifting DDT on that mangled trash can!
Tech: But Bobino isn’t done, he now has Aeries on his shoulders, he’s going towards that table, and
UN-NATURAL SELECTION!!!! THAT FIRE-THUNDER DRIVER CRASHES ARIES THROUGH THE TABLE!!!!!
Edible: Cover!
Referee and Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!
Tech: It’s over, Bobino wins! Bobino wins!!!
Cherry: Here is your winner by pinfall…..BOBINO!!!!
Butters (7.48 aps + 3.0 avs = 10.48 total)
Styxx (7.0 aps + 1.1 avs = 8.1 total)
Adema Aeries (0.0 aps + 0.0 avs = 0.0 totalThe crowd cheers as Bobino quickly snatches up and rolls out of the ring as Styxx stirs. Bobino hugs a few fans, celebrating as the ref goes outside to the entranceway and raises his hand, bring more surprise to his face.Edible: It’s finally over, and Butters has a title shot as a result! I wonder who his partner will be?
Tech: We’ll have to wait and see, but what an entertaining end to a great pre-show!! Now we give way to FMW Circus Maximus!
Edible: If you cheapskates haven’t ordered it yet, pony up the dough already!!! It is, how the young generation says it, “Mount Motherfucking Vesuvius”!
Tech: I couldn’t agree more Edible, and that’s a surprise!
Edible: They all come around eventually!
Tech: For my colleague Edible, I’m the Technician, signing off!! Time for us to kick back and enjoy Circus Maximus! Good night from the pre-show!