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 Edible Gives Out Feedback

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Edible14
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PostSubject: Edible Gives Out Feedback   Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:59 pm

Corruption

Trey: Funny, but uncoded and entirely short. Not really much of a story to be had.
2.0

Harlequin: Your usual, twisted and gory self. I enjoy the reads, though this one felt... less substantial... somehow. I honestly don't know how to critique it...
4.0

Bryson: A good backstory that fills in the gaps of how YNG was created. Well, written, with a dash of comedy here and there.
4.0

Ashburn: I like the panda tie-in with Bryson's promo. That being said, I have my usual criticism about promos vs. trash talking pieces. This was a really good trash-talking piece, but... story! That's what I want to see.
3.4

Ripper: Gritty and gory. Your promo reminds me of my girlfriend's comment on the Saw movies... "It disturbs me that people think these things up". Of course, I'm the guy that came up with the War Machine nail gun angle. So, I guess what I'm saying is that I appreciate the violence. But there isn't a lot of depth to this promo. You need a story, or at least some other dimensions to this character.
3.3

Callum/Purser: ER... well formatted? Hard to grade 1/4 of a promo. No idea where you were going.
1.0

MarkJo: Well formatted, and I liked the setup. Only 1/2 a promo, though.
2.0

RyderX: Slightly disjointed, and if you were intending that as a way of expressing how ADD this generation is when it comes to the internet... great. I dug it. No idea what's going on with this cult business, but I'll just keep tabs on that over the next few shows.
3.5

Rotunda: X mentioned it in the TT thread, but... there's kind-of already a "Dreamkiller" in FMW. But... aside from that small point... good promo. I like the intensity, but I'd like to see some depth and dimension to Rotunda. The trash-talking bit at the end seemed a bit tacked on, like you really just felt you had to address your opponents. I would say you should try to work it in to the promo itself if at all possible, or even just leave it out. You don't have to address your match or opponents to be successful, just focus on telling a good story.
3.3

DGS: Good format, good grammar, good structure, liking the duality of man theme... I'd like to take this time to remind everyone to utilize the character update thread. It's great for making sure that everyone can pick up on where you are in a story, and be less confused when they're picking it up somewhere in the middle.
4.2

Caesar: It saddens me to see you wrapping up the character and going back to Chaos, but all good things must come to an end. I chuckled at the copyright agent bit. It's basically your usual stuff, but focused on the minor characters.
3.6

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Nicholas Gray
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Gives Out Feedback   Tue Oct 18, 2011 10:02 pm

AMM plz?

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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Gives Out Feedback   Tue Oct 18, 2011 11:49 pm

Nicholas Gray wrote:
AMM plz?

I'll be doing that tomorrow afternoon
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X



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Gives Out Feedback   Wed Oct 19, 2011 8:42 am

Edible14 wrote:
RyderX: Slightly disjointed, and if you were intending that as a way of expressing how ADD this generation is when it comes to the internet... great.

Nah.

It was supposed to be like that. I, or Ryder, was on a computer. There's not much you can do besides point, click and type. That's what I was doing. lol. I knew I should've put "A Day in the Life of A Techy Wrestling Star" as the title.

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PostSubject: Re: Edible Gives Out Feedback   Wed Oct 19, 2011 8:55 am

Thanks for the feedback Apo. You hit the nail on the head, this one was less substantial. Time crunch did me in on this one. But this promo (I think) effectively leads into the culmination of Harley and Brixton and the re-emergence of Mr. Sunday, dun dun dunnnnnnn.
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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Gives Out Feedback   Wed Oct 19, 2011 3:25 pm

AMMUNITION

Austin: Very emotional, and yet very realistic. Hard to do, so kudos. Confused on this part:

Quote :
For your sake and mines, I’ll go no further as sex too early ruined many a thing in my life.

No idea if this was intended at the audience or if it was a thought Austin had, trying to calm himself somewhat. Seemed actually unclear to me whether or not Austin had sex with her...

Absolutely excellent trash-talking piece at the end of this promo. That's the sort of trash-talking you can only do when you have a history with somebody, and it's the kind of piece that made me that much more excited for this match.

4.5

Anwyl: Great raw emotion here. You said that losing so closely was great for you, and it shows. The frustration at the beginning of this promo was palpable. The drug rehab part is interesting and compelling as well, but it confuses me for this reason: it's not something a heel would put out there. I mean, your character info says "won't: help people for any reason", and yet here we have Anwyl talking about how his struggles might help others. I wonder how you'll reconcile that.

4.2

Son of Shark Boy: First, this just fell flat for me. Probably the gay slur, or maybe it was just because the closet punch line wasn't really set up very well:

Quote :
Reggie: The fuck, Peyton?! You were supposed to wear the head!

Peyton: No… I thought that I texted you about me being the rear end!

Reggie: I thought you were coming out of the closet, you fairy cunt… bitch!

I haven't read too much of yours and Storm's work... are Reggie and Peyton supposed to be really unlikeable?

Overall, nothing special but nothing offensive. I like the juxtaposition of naive innocence with Sharky compared to the douchebaggery of Reggie/Peyton. Still, wish there was more of a story to these promos.

3.3

Stormmaster: Hilarious stuff in here. Not much in the way of story, but I did really enjoy this promo. I would like to see you dress up the look of the promos a bit, with a dash of color or some graphics. Short and no story takes some points off, but I dug it.

3.5

Smitten: I know you told everyone that it was garbage and was just put up to show... but damn I felt like I was on drugs when reading this promo. I'm not entirely sure if that's good or bad.

2.7

Gray:
Quote :
Rafael: ...It still hurt.

Gray: Hey, sometimes you got to work stiff.

BA-DUM-tshhhh.

One of the things I like about your writing is how self-aware it is. You always seem to notice things that you don't like about your writing (like that whole bit about "pedal to the metal"). In an odd way, it's endearing. Good work here, I don't have much to add other than I continue to like your style and your stuff.

4.2

Osiris: Well, at least you showed. I'm happy to see Jensen in here, and hopefully that will lead to GSW being more of a force around here.

1.2

Levi: I like your formatting. You're a competant writer and I appreciate your skill. The first two parts of this promo were pretty good, but they seemed to set up something that... never came. The third part of this promo fell really flat as a result.

3.6

King: This promo was... way too short to be substantial. You seem a bit uninspired, and this promo seemed to reflect that. The thing is, the idea of "this company doesn't want me to succeed" is a powerful one that you can do a lot with... so do it.

2.1

Butters: My immediate problem with this promo is that I have no idea who Krisko is or why I should give a damn about him. I have my usual complaint about promos should be stories, but I also just had no idea what was going on in parts of this promo. The first part, with you and Slegna... was this part of a longer-running story that I'm forgetting?

2.8

Abel: Iiiinnnteresting. I like the excuses/procrastination themes in this one. This promo was short, but it actually was nice and concise. I think it's an interesting direction to move with the character.

3.7
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Gives Out Feedback   Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:14 am

To clarify, no sexual activity of any sort took place in the promo.

In addition, that line was a bit of both fourth-wall breaking and to calm himself because I have portrayed Austin as the kind of person who rushes things (when he's face).
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Leviticastform
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Gives Out Feedback   Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:32 am

Thank you very much sir. I appreciate your honesty and will use your advice to improve my game. I can see what you are talking about with the falling flat. I could have done better there. The only thing I can really say is that it all does go somewhere in the long run. I know that is no excuse, but there it is. With all that said, it is my sincere hope that I have entertained you and will continue to do so. Thank you again for your constructive feedback sir.

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Truly a Gold Standard moment.

Thanks to The Law.

Loves his Poke' name and matching avatar. Thank you very much to whoever hooked me up with it.
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Gives Out Feedback   Thu Oct 20, 2011 5:38 am

The 'won't help anyone' card has yet to come into play, I am aware of what I have written but the documentary isn't over yet. Without giving anything away, I am aware and I know exactly how this is going to roll.

Thankyou for the feedback Apo, and you should WATCH THIS SPACE (well not this space exactly, but you know what I mean)

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PostSubject: Re: Edible Gives Out Feedback   Fri Dec 02, 2011 8:28 pm

I know you already gave my RP a vote and all, but I'd love to read your feedback for my first FMW RP. Your reviews are honest and to the point (which were like how mine were back in TakeDown), and I do anjoy second opinions. So yeah, pros and cons and whatnot, please. Smile
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Antonio_G
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Gives Out Feedback   Mon Apr 02, 2012 8:29 pm

I'd love some feedback.
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