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 Feedback with Uncle Harley

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The Returned



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PostSubject: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Wed Aug 10, 2011 9:59 pm

For a very Corrupt group of individuals, and some Gray Butter.

Gray: My my, look who's found their stride. Loved the direction of the story, it had a really strong flow, without forcing the direction on you. I could easily transfer between your sets of characters all day. One thing that caught me a little was your narrative. When we're inside Gray's head and he is explaining what is going on, you should find some form of differentiators to help keeps things a little separate. Overall a really good promo, and one of the best I've seen from you.

Butters: Alright, so I loved the promo. What was there was fantastic, in the emotional revelation that Butters seems to always be going through. Like I said what was there was great, but I feel like it just wasn't enough. It seemed like one scene, an engaging scene, but just one. I loved Act I, but I feel like I'm missing II and III and that saddens me, because you had me engaged.

X: Felt like a was legit reading a blog. Had the great sense of legitimate excitement and the surreal environment of what was going on. The development and hopefully progression of The CULT was great, gives it a very social media feel. And I as a big fan/social media maniac myself really enjoyed the flow of the story being told. Kind of refreshing upbeat pace to the story, I dig.

Bryson: I don't want to be a slag here, and maybe this version of the character just doesn't gel with me, but man...Bryson is a douche. And for me it wasn't in the "haha funny, that guy is such a dick" type of way. I'm talking "I only finished reading cuz I'm giving feedback" style. Wasn't for me, and the character falls flat for me, despite the fact you got my vote.

SharkBoy: The character is interesting. Hard to develop beyond hearing his thoughts and words through "The Linguist" (A character you should really develop a little further by the way) The dialogue is a little rough, but could be really good with a little polish. But try writing dialogue as you would speak, or as the character would generally speak. People don't often say "Brethren" so it seems a little out of place in the dialogue. Overall good, but could use some work in building it out into something stronger and keeping it polished.

StormMaster: Watch the spelling of characters integral to your story. You wrote "Liguist" for a good few lines at the start of the story. Generally a few spelling mistakes and grammar issues can be overlooked, but when it's in the form of character names, it tends to take the reader directly out of the story. The promo wasn't bad, but it felt more like a part of SharkBoy's promo than actually an individual promo. Short isn't necessarily bad, however I don't feel there was enough character development for either StormMaster or the Tag Team. A few things to consider for next time.

RCA: It may have only been an opening, but as the one teaching the class, it would have been a stronger start to have RCA change the tone as if he knew what was going on right away. And he was speaking as though he were explaining, instead of him speaking and then having him seem to figure it out. Some of the wording seems a little stiff throughout. Like was RCA is thinking "...attractive pair of green eyes but now I must focus on her words so she may not deceive me." I'll guarantee no man in the history of people has thought that formally. Good promo sir, the end part was the strongest for sure, so good to end on a strong note.


De: Brilliantly awesome. While I could have done without the entirety of the Bry-Bry quote, I understand the purpose of it and the role it played. This lacked your typical description of surroundings. I get the immediate surrounding of Page, but all I can imagine if he's in a black void with an ashtray, a bible and a candle. That said, your rant style was excellent as always. Nothing to improve upon there, just give me a sense of location next time.

Leviticus: You're dialogue is good, however instances where you miss a word, can really alter what the sentence is saying. For example: "Looks like you’re coming kind of like I did." Doesn't make a whole lot of sense does it? And the way it does make sense, I'm sure you didn't mean. Same thing with the introduction, you have him say "My name is Bryan", conversationally it would have flowed better to write something like "Name's Bryan". While the development seems a little stiff (with the transitions between past, present and future), the character is progressing, which is incredibly important.

Osiris: "I'm only here to find out about my backstory." This is an irksome line. Every character needs motiviation, that is what drives writing, but wheeeewww, you really didn't put much forth for that motivation here. Your dialogue feels a little stiff. In some parts it flows like real conversation and then in others it seems like you're writing it for a grade 10 English paper. There is potential, but you need to focus a little more on developing and strengthening your character. Give us some flashbacks of his history, things he can't see, but flashbacks none the less.


Last edited by Harlequin on Sun Aug 14, 2011 7:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Bobino



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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:14 pm

Fellow Member of the Awesome Society,

Thanks for your feedback, Length is a major issue for me, been trying to work on it. In my head, the story flows so well, I just want to get the plot out so quick, I lose track of the fact it's only been 2 pages. I'm working on it, and your thoughts are well noted.

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RCA
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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:56 pm

I want feedback too. May I have?
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The Returned



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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Fri Aug 12, 2011 10:05 pm

You may have feedback. I'm away for the weekend, so look towards sunday night as the feedback update time.
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iDeAndes



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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Fri Aug 12, 2011 11:45 pm

Feedbackz as well, por favor.
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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Sat Aug 13, 2011 12:38 am

I will take some to, if you don't mind to horribly.

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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Sat Aug 13, 2011 4:46 pm

Me too please.
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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Sun Aug 14, 2011 7:02 pm

May you please

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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Sun Aug 14, 2011 7:09 pm

Feedback done up until Osiris. If I find the time, I'll hit you up Anwyl.
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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Sun Aug 14, 2011 7:23 pm

Thank you pal.

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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Sun Aug 14, 2011 9:49 pm

If you have the time, i'd appreciate it.
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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Sun Aug 14, 2011 11:44 pm

May I have some feedback friend of friends? Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Mon Aug 15, 2011 3:15 pm

Thanks for the Feedbackz, mang.

The description of the local was purposely vague to depict the isolation 'Page feels right now. Like he's fighting a war that everyone else gave up on because it's easier just to tow the company line. I probably could have described that better to get the feeling of that loneliness.
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PostSubject: Re: Feedback with Uncle Harley   Tue Aug 16, 2011 5:25 am

Hell Jay, if everyone else is asking, can I grab some please?
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