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Edible14
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PostSubject: Edible Feedback:   Tue Aug 09, 2011 12:14 am

14.1 Scores Feedback

Austin:

Clearly channeling some CM Punk in this promo, or at least it seems. I liked the trash-talking part, and there was a lot of passion there. Short, to the point and addressing all the issues that need addressed. Like a promo should be.

The next part of the promo seemed a bit phoned in. The first few paragraphs all had the exact same style – statement of fact, casually tossed in opinion, part where you continue the story. The dialogue was pretty decently written, so no complaints there.

The promo eventually comes to a really good emotional note and the ending is pretty good – if a bit cheesy.

3.9

OJA:

First off, the uber-patriotic thing sort-of just gets annoying. If you’re going for the “it’s so annoying it’s funny” angle, go full out. Have OJA do something ridiculous. Or… just have him DO SOMETHING. Because what this is a trash-talk piece, without any sort of story. There’s no formatting, there’s no setting, it’s just OJA talking for two paragraphs. And that doesn’t make a good promo.

1.8

Levi:

Writing style is fantastic. I hate to say this because it’s cliché and egocentric, but it reminds me of some of my early writing. Decent dialogue, not much idea of what story you want to tell. You try to write logically – what WOULD Levi be doing given his upcoming match – and you come up with training and distractions from training. Making some clear statements of what you WANT to be, while it seems you have some real trouble on thinking of HOW to get there.

My advice: write some prose-style in your promos. Reason being is that it FORCES you to come up with stories and action. In dialogue mode, you tend to fool yourself into thinking that more is happening than actually is happening, because it takes 20 or so lines to develop what one paragraph can say in prose. Force yourself to extend out your creativity a bit, and you will train yourself to come up with ideas and story arcs that actually take time to write out and will interest people.

3.3

Inferno:

I really like your writing style, and I really like what you’re developing with your story. I’ve said as much before, and reading your promo only re-affirmed that for me. Only thing I’d say is that you probably should have just left off the last part. The first part had all the match relevance you needed, and the last part felt like a tacked-on trash talking piece that honestly broke the entire flow of the promo. It didn’t fit, and it wasn’t necessary. But the rest was fantastic.

4.0

Ryu

Fan-fucking-tastic beginning. If the rest of the promo was simply more of that idea – it would be an awful lot like a promo I wrote a few years back – and I’m a fan of that.

The intro/backstory part was a bit… boring. You really did treat this as if it was a boring start. And like so many characters, you’re starting with MY PARENTS ARE DEEEEEEAADDDD! Can’t call you out on it without being a hypocrite (I’ve had 2 characters with that build), but it is a trope, and you really wrote this part as if you knew that and didn’t care for it. And Uncle Tom… really?

Speaking of tropes… yay another detective character. I kid though, this one’s pretty good. I like your character, and I liked the story here, and I like your writing style. But, given the weak parts of the promo, I think I have to take some points off, so…

3.5

Gray:

Sometimes, I like promos with match relevance. Some times, I like promos that pose interesting philosophical dilemmas. Sometimes, I like a promo that just asks: “Why the fuck do cats like climbing so much when they're too scared to climb back down?” More or less, I don’t have much to add onto my feedback from the last promo I read of yours, so… good work on keeping up the quality.

3.8

*Tired here, still have to rate more promos, but I don't have the energy/time to feedback as well. Request if you want some
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Mark Johansson



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback:   Tue Aug 09, 2011 3:13 am

would love some feedback
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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback:   Tue Aug 09, 2011 10:03 pm

Leon: 3.5

Overall, not bad. Well formatted and written and all that jazz. I don't think you're that great at dialogue, but as I always note... writing dialogue is hard. Example:

Quote :

Harlequin: SO, did you ever see the strings held behind each stable as they pondered around FMW like the puppets they truly are?

Leon: You mean each man’s ties to his relevant actions?

Harlequin: Yes, the plans they schemed and plotted, and how it never really seemed unorthodox or irrelevant.

These lines kind of bug me, as they really smack of a problem that often plagues dialogue writers: how do I advance the story without making it obvious that I'm just having these characters say things in order to advance the story? It seemed to me that there's absolutely no way that Leon should understand what Harlequin was getting at, since Harles' first line was very vague. Yet, he jumps right to the correct conclusion. So, when you spot something like this, make sure to add a little bit. Have Harlequin have to explain himself, because real human communication is often quite fuzzy and complicated.

Overall, I really liked the idea and execution of this promo. I'm a little cynical as to whether you'll actually take Leon down a darker path as a character, but simply by itself, the promo was very good.


Butbino: 2.7

Obviously there was a lack of editing involved here, brought on by the fact that you seemed to be posting in a hurry. Not just typos, but also just a lack of formatting in general. I would like to have seen the blocking for this promo in italics at the very least.

I often make the critique that some promos, like yours, are simply trash-talking pieces. I feel that when I give out grades like these, I need to explain why. When I read something like this kind of promo, I think that it probably took some time, but overall it isn't very "deep". There's nothing clever or inspiring about a straight-up trash-talking promo, at least by virtue of comparison to the things that guys like Drew, Austin and Tyrant can crank out. So I do tend to have a very steep curve for grading promos. You can ask Drew about that. But I also feel that it's what needs to be done. Because this kind of promo, while there's nothing WRONG with it per se, isn't on that kind of level, and the score needs to reflect that. There isn't a theme, there aren't any clever metaphors, there isn't any character growth... it's all just standard trash-talking fare.

I'm sure that sounds very negative, but I don't mean it to be. I didn't hate the promo, but I just feel like I needed to explain the grade.

MarkJo: 3.8

Exxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxceellllent use of metaphor. This was an honestly enjoyable read, and while I take off points for formatting, and for it being a relatively simple story, it was very well written and I believe one of the best promos of the 14.1 shows.

Have no idea about this business about sewing up lips. I assume that's because I'm not that familiar with your backstory. But there's plenty to like about this promo, and I fully expect that you'll be getting your long overdue title victory this show.
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Ashburn



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback:   Tue Aug 09, 2011 10:23 pm

Please?
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MASS Caesar



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback:   Tue Aug 09, 2011 11:42 pm

I would like some feedback if you have the time, sir. Thank you.
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Easty



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback:   Wed Aug 10, 2011 5:39 am

Should I really be asking if I'm your opponent?

Meh, what the hell. If you've got time then why not.
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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback:   Wed Aug 10, 2011 10:50 pm

Last round of feedback, as I've got a busy week ahead.

Ashburn: 3.3

If there's one thing you do extremely well, it's that you completely stay in character throughout your promo. Throughout the intro of this, your character's loathing is practically dripping off of every word. I like it, even if it's a tad one-dimensional.

As someone who's read a bit of Nietzsche (though not much), I groaned a bit at the Nazi-ubermench thing. Nietzsche was not a Nazi, and even if his writing influenced Hitler, he would never have agreed with what Hitler did with his thoughts given that he was very anti-nationalist.

Overall, a good promo. Solidly written, but not a lot happens.

Caesar: 4.0

First off, solid Fresh-Prince reference. Killing the narrator AND Justin Bieber...

Why didn't I give this a 5? Clearly I was drunk when scoring this.

Usual comments apply. Your writing style is fine and funny. You don't produce the most complex promos in the world, but you should know that a 4 from me is basically a 4.5 or higher from just about anyone else. I really did like this promo. Good jorb and all that jazz. Nothing critical to really say here...

Easty: 3.8

I liked a lot of this promo, even though it was very disjointed. We went from a strong personal statement about what's been happening, to a mysterious part about Easty getting a mask, to a semi-comical part about the flyers in the lockerroom (which was a good save, btw. Sorry if I put you on the spot), and then back to the serious stuff. Each individual part I liked, but the promo did seem a little bit like 5 tiny promos jammed into one. I like your writing and I like your formatting, so you get high marks from me.
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Ashburn



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback:   Wed Aug 10, 2011 11:08 pm

Edible14 wrote:
Ashburn: 3.3

If there's one thing you do extremely well, it's that you completely stay in character throughout your promo. Throughout the intro of this, your character's loathing is practically dripping off of every word. I like it, even if it's a tad one-dimensional.

As someone who's read a bit of Nietzsche (though not much), I groaned a bit at the Nazi-ubermench thing. Nietzsche was not a Nazi, and even if his writing influenced Hitler, he would never have agreed with what Hitler did with his thoughts given that he was very anti-nationalist.

Overall, a good promo. Solidly written, but not a lot happens.

Oh I'm well aware that Nietzsche was neither a nationalist nor an anti-semite. Ashburn may consider himself an intellectual superior but not everything he says or thinks is correct. By having Ashburn interpret the work of Nietzsche as supporting Nazi ideology, I hoped to make a link between Ashburn and Hitler.

Thanks for the feedback.
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Mark Johansson



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback:   Thu Aug 11, 2011 3:03 am

Ashburn wrote:


Oh I'm well aware that Nietzsche was neither a nationalist nor an anti-semite. Ashburn may consider himself an intellectual superior but not everything he says or thinks is correct. By having Ashburn interpret the work of Nietzsche as supporting Nazi ideology, I hoped to make a link between Ashburn and Hitler.

Thanks for the feedback.

Nietzsche is also one of the most misintepreted philosphers.

Thanks for the feedback as well, good to see that i managed to pull off what i was trying to do. And yeah it did rely heavily on past experiences of Marky Mark.
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Easty



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback:   Thu Aug 11, 2011 7:32 am

Edible14 wrote:
Easty: 3.8

I liked a lot of this promo, even though it was very disjointed. We went from a strong personal statement about what's been happening, to a mysterious part about Easty getting a mask, to a semi-comical part about the flyers in the lockerroom (which was a good save, btw. Sorry if I put you on the spot), and then back to the serious stuff. Each individual part I liked, but the promo did seem a little bit like 5 tiny promos jammed into one. I like your writing and I like your formatting, so you get high marks from me.

The reason it was disjointed is because there's a lot going on in Eastwood's personal life; I was also trying to highlight the 'choppiness' of insomnia; there's going to be times when your senses are too dulled to be aware.

And you did put me on the spot with those flyers, you git. Razz
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