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 Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition

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Edible14
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PostSubject: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Thu Jun 30, 2011 5:31 pm

Gray: It's hard for me to critique, because I understand none of this crystal and transformation business.

I liked the theme. Penance is a trope that everybody loves, and I think it's a good choice for this match. I don't know if this was intentional, but I really liked that the desperation in the story fit quite nicely with the desperation Gray feels to win this match.

Good stuff, if confusing.

Score: 3.0

Steele: My first thought, about half way in, was this:

Did the boos of the crowd not clue Steele in? That being said, I like the idea of a heel who doesn't understand why he's a heel.

Interesting promo. A good set-up for future promos. As I've noted before though, setting up a character/arc is the easy part. Taking it to a logical but not obvious conclusion in a fun way is the hard part. Eve is a bit of a generic character at this point (femme fatale), and I'm curious to see how/if you'll flesh her out a bit since you're apparently making her a big part of the story. I like that you seem to be keeping away from the "female character secretly loves the protagonist" trope. Mostly because I've seen my roommate play enough JRPGs so that I get really tired of every female character being attracted to the main protagonist in some way (See: Persona, Megaman Legends).

One section that I had to re-read a few times before I understood was this:

Quote :

His musing were interrupted by the squeal of tyres as a black flash flew by them.

What was that?

But Abel didn’t pause to respond, he was already running as the car flew over the pavement into the park and landed head first in a pond.

Call an ambulance!

Abel shouted back to Eve as he ran towards the car. By the time he arrived a half a dozen bystanders were gaping in horror as the car had already sunk more than three quarters beneath the surface.

At first, I didn't know which car had gone over pavement, as you hadn't specified that the blur going by was, in fact, a car. The only car you'd mentioned was the one Steele was in. Hence... confusion. This is a common mistake in writing, and I think it points to rushing things a bit. This scene is supposed to be the big action of this promo... take some time on it. Describe every thing that Abel does, describe his heart racing, describe the crowd looking on, describe the movements the car goes through.

Overall, good stuff.

Score: 3.5

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Ashburn



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Thu Jun 30, 2011 5:41 pm

I would like some please.
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Thu Jun 30, 2011 5:52 pm

Me, once i'm finished
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Thu Jun 30, 2011 6:41 pm

Pick me! Pick me!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Thu Jun 30, 2011 7:34 pm

If you could it would be mch appeicated
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Nicholas Gray
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Thu Jun 30, 2011 10:16 pm

That was totally intentional.

And anyone who reads the promo will know exactly as much about the crystal and transformation stuff as Gray himself does. Also intentional.

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ASL

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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Fri Jul 01, 2011 4:40 am

Raises hand

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Slegna
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Fri Jul 01, 2011 8:18 am

I'm actually really happy with my offering, but pwetty pwease, Matt?

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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Fri Jul 01, 2011 10:21 am

Let me have it if you want, and not if you don't.
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Fri Jul 01, 2011 10:38 am

Go on then.

I have a feeling I might know what you're going to say, but...
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Damien
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Fri Jul 01, 2011 10:55 am

Promo is DONE!!!!!!1!111!
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Mark Johansson



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Fri Jul 01, 2011 12:50 pm

wouldnt mind somefeedback good sir
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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:25 pm

Fuck... 11 promos... okay... will try to get to some of these tonight after dinner. The rest... might have to wait.
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Anwyl



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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Fri Jul 01, 2011 11:24 pm

Me please sir
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Leviticastform
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PostSubject: Re: Edible Feedback: Johnny Rocket's Edition   Tue Jul 05, 2011 11:05 pm

Feedback plz?

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