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Kaoru

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PostSubject: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:59 am

KAORU'S JUMBO TERIYAKI FEEDBACK


It looks as though people have a bit of a fire twixt their cheeks lately. The 11.3 promo thread is up, and we're barely out of 11.2. That suits me. Time for the next edition of the Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback.

PLEASE READ BEFORE ASKING: I will only respond to specific requests within this thread. Whoring for general feedback in the OOC thread will be ignored with extreme prejudice. As always, the feedback is 100% bullshit free. Please don't ask me for feedback expecting to get your e-cock sucked and then take it personally when my criticism is not to your liking. All positive and negative aspects of the RP (as I see them), will be highlighted in order to help you in the long run. Don't like it? Don't ask. PLEASE SPECIFY WITHIN YOUR REQUEST if you want me to give you your feedback in public or private. Requests with no specification will be assumed to be public. If you say "either/or," I will also assume public. I reserve the right to be more helpful/insulting in private feedback but if it's private nobody will "see" it. Your call.

Also, none of that "reserve a spot" stuff if your promo isn't posted yet. Ask me only if your promo is already posted.


Riddle
  • Pro: Introductory promos are difficult to do, but his one was okay. You introduced the character and attempted to let us know what he's all about. You set him in the Blackgate universe, which should automatically mean collaboration stuff with you and De. I think the presence of more than one wrestling inmate would make both characters stronger.
  • Con: Both the storyline and the prose came off as rather bland. It was very predictable; I knew how it was going to end a good while before it actually did. The character of the doctor was poorly executed. First he comes in and basically says, "You seem rather smug for a crazy person." Then he goes into a weird Josh Matthews mode and starts asking open-ended wrestling-interviewer type questions that a doctor would never ask a patient. Came off as an artificial attempt to cut a promo on your opponent. Then he stutters for little to no reason (o-of). Then he swallows even though he's "reasonably" calm...odd choice of words. Norman's lines toward the end didn't make ANY sense, specifically when he speaks into the tape recorder. I'm guessing the doctor was the "now quiet opposite of a sponge." But I still had no idea what you were saying.
  • Overall:Take this promo in stride. You're shaking the rust off. Improve on the fundamentals. Trying adding a little flourish to your prose. And most importantly, come up with a slightly less bland. Remember, the character is a genius. So anything that can't be passed off as "genius" looks bad.


Apostasy
  • Pro: Drew's lines were absolutely perfect. I thought you had relegated him to passive observer in that last part, but then you had the "God made man" line and brought t all back. I was a little divided on the philosophical conversations at first, but after some thought I am putting them as a pro. They really seem to work for you. They're written in a very crisp style. Clearly that's your strong suit. Let me see if I have this structure pegged correctly ---. First you had Larkin talk about diminishing experience, and had Apostasy mention how the injuries don't phase him. Crystal clear. Then Apostasy starts on motivated action and motivated inaction, before Larkin takes over and describes young Apostasy as a smart slacker. Also clear. The lack of certainty tangent in Andy's letter applies to Apostasy's uncertainty about why he's fighting Bryson in his conversation with Drew. And then the last two sections are the overall wrap-up, where we are made to understand that Apostasy has his own brand of goodness, and we learn that Larkin asked him for a mercy killing. Do I have it?....Because if that was pre-planned then my hat is off. About time someone uses some REAL subtlety in this fed.
  • Con:You suffer from Broken Saint Syndrome; lots of dialogue and nothing else. You could call that a "stylistic choice" if you want, but recognize that it DOES limit your writing. I didn't really know who Andy Larkin was, but that may just be my unfamiliarity with your back-story. The asterisk about agnosticism was useless in my opinion. You shouldn't have included it.
  • Overall:There's a lot more to this promo than meets the eye. I can see now why people call you underrated. I think your style actually LENDS ITSELF TO BEING UNDERRATED because it's so simple in appearance, and I'm guessing that's what people sometimes judge it by. But reading it makes all the difference. An interesting effort...but take heed of the advice. You could go really, really far with some description added.


RCA
  • Pro: The first all-comedy promo of yours that I've seen while I've been here, and it has some legitimate laughs. The six beers intro was great, as was the STD scare. The idea of "Student of the Game" Chris Austin talking to "Radical" Chris Austin was a very good one. Solid fundamentals as usual. The conversation between the two Austins had a very fluid, very organic progression....which I would expect, because you're talking to yourself.
  • Con: The inter-Austin debate seemed to hop back and forth between kayfabe and shoot. I didn't like that at all. You broke the fourth wall a lot, even in regards to OTHER characters' gimmicks, and then seemed to jump back on the other side of it. And the fact that you DID break the fourth wall and make the conversation so tongue-in-cheek made your promo at the end seem much weaker because it was SO in-character. Some of your favorite swear-words were beaten to the point of irrelevancy. Also...this goes out to you, as well as everyone in the fed: STOP BRINGING UP THE AVERAGE SCORES IN KAYFABE. When more than one person does it in a short period of time, it's NOT FUNNY.
  • Overall: A great idea that maybe could have used some better execution. Nonetheless, it does fits in with the mean of quality that people have come to expect from RCA. Follow the advice. Don't jump from shoot to promo and don't mention average scores.


Dragos
  • Pro: More involved use of secondary character. You put over the match from last week (Slegna's win), which is always a plus. Gives a little insight into what Dragos' gimmick is in terms of occult stuff ,etc etc.
  • Con: This promo looks like Toucan Sam's acid trip. Way too much color. A recurring problem for you is that your dialogue comes off as kind of campy and forced sometimes. Don't think of the lines as a way to force the story along...try to imagine what YOU would say if the situation were real. What the was Dragos doing in a regular library reading "scrolls?" That made no sense. I'm not buying the whole "he causes natural disasters when he loses" thing. Even for efedding it's too unrealistic. If you want the black magic stuff, it has to be grounded in reality. Like when a non-dark character confronts you, he has to be realistically scared. But natural disasters destroying historical buildings? That's TOO made up. Spelling errors. Unexplained references in the beginning.
  • Overall: Your problem isn't so much formatting or anything...it's your fundamentals. They're weak. That's not to say they can't become the best in FMW. But they're weak. Try taking a piece of paper and mapping out your story. Go back and read RPs you think are "the best." Notice how they pace the plot. Notice what kind of language they use. That's the most "no bullshit" answer you will ever get. I'm not putting you down in any way, so don't misunderstand. But your problem is not "RPing"...it's writing.


Moore
  • Pro: You're showing improvement. Noticeable improvement. The conversation with Dom was the most believable thing you've done yet. And it was consistent throughout. You even went for some comedy with the "room bill" thing. I though it was funny. As with Dragos, you put over Slegna which is good.
  • Con: Not enough meat, pure and simple. You need more content, more flourish...otherwise it all comes off as static. You've got a giant quote in the beginning of the RP, and pictures posted throughout. Images should only be used sparingly. The pieces of the story don't quite fit. I thought the "training" scene where he tries to break the dude's ankle was out of whack.
  • Overall: I'd call this promo progress. Congratulations, you've made the first step. But you share the same major weakness as your tag team partner...writing. Your problem is not "RPing"...it's rhetorical fundamentals. Read more rps. Plan out your story on paper. I know it seems like I'm giving both of you (yourself and Cole) repetitive and canned advice but TRUST me...those are the best things either of you can do right now. This can be a very good character, but it's all about what you put into it.


Dunn & Sam
  • Pro: It's absolutely impossible to review these separately because it's the same promo...and in tag team wrestling that's a GREAT thing. The shoots from the opposite character's perspective at the beginning and end were absolutely fucking phenomenal. You guys literally know each other so well that you could write promos FOR THE OTHER GUY. The interactions between the two characters were very well planned. You really gave a feel for why it is that they're together, and what their psychological motivations are. The language isn't fancy, but it didn't really need to be. You got the point across very well.
  • Con: I don't get the Dunn character at all. Sometime she acts downright ghoulish. Other times he acts more like a traditional asshole heel. Which is it? Because I learned about Dunn via the Eastwood angle, I pictured him as much more sociopathic. Oddly enough, Cactus' shoot from Dunn's perspective sounded MORE like Dunn to me. Sam was less afraid to get into situational description. Dunn's promo relied much more on straight dialogue and, as I've said before, I think that can be limiting. The coverage seemed to be a little imbalanced too...I got the distinct impression that Sam was the hero here. Even in Dunn's promo, Cactus Sam was really the centerpiece. The transition to the second half of Sam's promo was weak. Basically "hey, he got drunk and Matt disappeared!" Length could be an issue.
  • Overall: Like I said before, the language here isn't fancy. Solid and effective. Not fancy. But that doesn't matter at all. You guys did one thing INCREDIBLY well...you told a story. You told a believable, impactful, emotional story about why two guys are tagging. And it just worked. The promos aren't very long, even put together. But in my opinion they don't need to be. In fact, if they were longer, they'd be worse. I really, really liked what you guys did here. Best tag team shit I've seen in FMW yet.


Axel
  • Pro: Just like Moore, you're showing improvement. The argument with Spruance was the most believable thing you've written here thus far. The porn movies thing was kind of funny. I maked for the "LIKE A GLOVE" line. In fact, there were a lot of funny moments here. Even the one where it turns out the stripper was from the porn movie with Thorne. I'd say comedy was your main strength. Definitely keep exploring that.
  • Con: Okay...those headers? The ones that say "Just after 11.2?" They hurt my fucking eyes. Barely legible. Don't use that font combo in the future. Who the hell is Logan, and was I supposed to know him in advance? He just sort of...came in. You really RUSHED through this thing description-wise. Now that you're showing improvement, you need to pace the story better. Don't just switch scenes. It has to be set in a way that makes sense. A weak ending. A comedy promo always needs to go out strong...preferably on some sort of concluding joke. Otherwise all of the laughter you provided fizzles out.
  • Overall:You already know what I'm going to say. Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. BUT BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. This is the best promo I have seen from you thus far. Head and shoulders above the rest. Keep reading other people's stuff. Keep pre-planning your own promos. I guarantee you''ll get even farther.


Seth
  • Pro: The first chapter was the strongest one. I thought it was the most credible, and had the most rhetorical style. The quotes at the beginning from the roster were a nice touch. I mark hard for the Bee Gees suddenly playing in the bar, and I mark even harder for the line "See you later, Space Cowboy."
  • Con: Not really into the whole "Hannibal didn't really break his neck thing," because again...it's dangerously close to breaking kayfabe, which is happening too fucking often, if you've noticed. The transition into the second chapter was really, really random. You burn down the dojo and then it's like,"Hey here's my abusive father!" Not really feeling that. It's overused in efedding. The conversation with Mark could have been somewhat stronger in terms of Johannsen's role. I'm not for the whole "let's make a talking head character that gives me cues." Oftentimes the extra character will come off as waaaay too stiff. Some bad sentence choices, e.g: "Omega reaches into his pocket and pulls an orange lighter out of his pocket."
  • Overall: It was a promo of peaks and valleys. You started strong and ended strong, even though I wasn't crazy for the last line ("Show me how defenseless you really are"...) It just didn't give off the kind of finality you wanted it to. I was interested by the end of the first chapter, turned off with the second, ambivalent about the third and marked somewhat for the fourth. You're trying to tell four different stories at once. If you're going to retain the Abandoned title, think about putting together a story that is more cohesive and more relevant to itself. Clean up your narration, too. I saw a good bit of typographical errors and oddly placed commas.


Last edited by ToastErr on Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:44 pm; edited 11 times in total
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Edible14
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Mon Jul 19, 2010 10:32 pm

Since you're asking for it in just this thread...

pretty please?
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RCA
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Mon Jul 19, 2010 10:36 pm

I request feedback.

I tried something kinda new, would like legit thoughts and criticisms, if any.

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Mon Jul 19, 2010 10:37 pm

Requesting, yush. New character, new promo.

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Tue Jul 20, 2010 12:52 am

Consider me requesting. And in private please.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Tue Jul 20, 2010 12:01 pm

I'd like to request some feedback if I could plese Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Tue Jul 20, 2010 12:10 pm

Please can I have some feedback please Mr Toaster, sir.

I'll even give you some if you'd like it.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:06 pm

Updated for Riddle, Apostasy, and RCA.

Moore and Dragos still to come.


Last edited by ToastErr on Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:40 pm

His name is APOSTASY.

And I edited your post to show that.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Tue Jul 20, 2010 1:56 pm

RCA wrote:
His name is APOSTASY.

And I edited your post to show that.

...Uh...I have NO IDEA what you mean...
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:08 pm

I know.

I mean your feedback post.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Tue Jul 20, 2010 4:21 pm

RCA wrote:
I know.

I mean your feedback post.

And I mean sarcasm.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Wed Jul 21, 2010 6:25 pm

Can haz?
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Wed Jul 21, 2010 6:26 pm

Can haaz 2?
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Thu Jul 22, 2010 9:51 am

I would enjoy your words of wisdom Don Vito....And in return I will do you a favor on the day of my daughter's wedding...or some mob type shit lol
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Thu Jul 22, 2010 4:05 pm

Give me feedback, I'll give you chicken.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:53 am

Give me feedback please, I'll give ya 2 pieces of chicken and a biscuit.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Fri Jul 23, 2010 1:34 am

Gabriel Crow wrote:
Give me feedback please, I'll give ya 2 pieces of chicken and a biscuit.

He isn't black.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:41 am

I know that. But who can turn down a 2-piece and biscuit meal?
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Fri Jul 23, 2010 3:50 am

An Asian man like Vito.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:18 pm

Fine then we'll get him the jumbo teriyaki chicken platter, with steamed vegetables and flied lice.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Fri Jul 23, 2010 1:27 pm

I wouldn't feed some feedback if you get the chance. Public it, and say whatever you like, I've no problems with your genuine feelings.

Edit: Just to chip on the feedback; RCA, in your promo, during the agreement section the good RCA comes off way too native despite introduce the segment before it happened, or at least too native for my personal taste. I've just read too much dialogue that goes along the lines "Why you're me!". It just wants to make me skip it.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:46 pm

Big update posted.

Gabe and Celt next up, but it may not be for a bit, as I've gotta start the flight home in six hours or so.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Fri Jul 23, 2010 6:09 pm

Don't know if you saw before but I would appreciate some feedback please sir
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Fri Jul 23, 2010 6:22 pm

Thank you for the feedbax good Sir....i was going all out with the comedy this time and I am going to from now on I think. I actually intoduced Logan ans my Jarvis to Tony Stark kind of thing back in my 1st or second promo. I agree he should probably have been rexplained. I actually planned this one out a head of time, to prep for the next arc or whatever these guys call it. I agree the font was horrible and it will never ever be used again!! Thanks again for the props I do think its my strongest effort to date.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Wed Aug 04, 2010 1:42 am

How was the trip, man?
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.3   Sat Aug 28, 2010 7:52 pm

If you could do some feedback on my Catalyst promo, that would be great.
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