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 Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2

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McDaygo
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Kaoru

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PostSubject: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 11:47 am

KAORU'S JUMBO TERIYAKI FEEDBACK

Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 01

That's right, bitches. It's time for the best feedback thread ever. Holla if you want. I will only give to those who ask specifically in THIS thread.

RCA
Positives: You started it strong, and you finished it strong. Austin getting raped was darkly hilarious, as was the shameful admission afterwards. O'Rion coming in for the save at the end for Sheila was funny. The break-in scene was a decent enough set-up to do what you do best, which is shoot on people. Good use of Alex O'Rion overall. Keep expanding that relationship.
Negatives: To me, the scene with the kid was the weakest point of your promo. Especially when you started singing "Carry on My Wayward Son." Even in jest, it seemed more dumb than funny (no offense meant). And if it was meant to be serious then...well...it was corn-ball city. Also, you dropped the phrase "moment of clarity" at awkward times. First, you dropped it as you were getting raped at knife point. It sounded very awkward. Like "Chris was about to experience his own moment of clarity and NO ONE escapes his moment of clarity." The narration just didn't work there. The second time was when O'Rion said it. It felt like you were forcing your own dialogue into his mouth with that sentence.
Overall: Of the RCA promos I have read so far, this is one of the more fundamentally sound. I really like it. Clear sense of story, powerful comedic moments, great use of O'Rion (the clarity line aside). Make sure Austin doesn't come off goofy when he's trying to be wistfull. No more singing Kansas to babies, and make sure your catchphrase isn't played out.

Christian Moore
Positives: There is continuity here, in terms of the Dominic storyline. You are making an effort to display continuous character growth, and it shows. The insults against your opponents had a strong match relevance.
Negatives: You went a overboard with the "brotherhood' quotes. While there is continuous storyline here, it comes off as highly stilted at times. The conversations with the psychologist and with Dominic in the mirror did not leave me particularly impressed. I think the dialogue here is very much "insisting" on itself. A lot of times, you try to force drama on the reader and it comes of stale.
Overall: Improvement? Yes. Room for more improvement? Yes. The best advice in the world for you right now is to stop thinking so much about the kind of writing we "want" to see. You don't have to make Moore a schizo with a dark past who constantly says tormented things to get over. Consider what directions the character can take to make him unique among FMW. Let him grow organically. Make the dramatic moments fewer and farther between to make their impact more meaningful. You can do it, Rock! GO FOR THE BODY, the BODY!

Dunn
Positives: For a guy who got here later and doesn't know much about the character, this really lets me know what you're all about. The image if Eastwood hanging upside down from the ceiling and shuffling between personalities was a great image. You made a far-fetched storyline seem very believable and got me into it. Good setup for Seth, in terms of continuity. You avoided the trap of using the "Dunn-code" for filler, while everyone else in the match did. I think that's hilarious.
Negatives: The Sarah O'Bannon thing was cool and I get where you were going...but it still wasn't the most relevant thing in the world. Seth merely saying "Fuck" when told that you had Annalisa made him seem a little static. For a debut, it's short and elegant but for a number one contender's match you could have gone a little more in depth with it.
Overall: Know what's weird? If I were to read this and not look at the card, I would almost think that the RP was written for an unwilling tag team match with Seth Omega. Both of you sacrificed length in terms of a continuous story, setting each other up. It's a good promo, but ultimately you were faced with the dilemma on this card. You had to write a debut, and simultaneously go into a number one contender's match. You opted more for the debut path, which will strengthen the character in the long run...I hope that's taken into consideration. You did the right thing for the character, but there might need to be more depth before the character is in the Abandoned Title scene.


AVO
Positives: The lines versus Bryson made me lol. Especially the skinemax one. Match relevant. You tried to add more depth with the character history and the first name, etc.
Negatives: I think you already know what the negatives are, man. It's cheesy...it's two 2-D...it's more than a little cookie cutter. And that makes me sad because I've seen you do better than this promo Sad I'll restate the advice I gave to Moore. You don't have to make AVO have a soap-box past to get him over. Consider what directions the character can take to make him unique among FMW. Let him grow organically. Make the dramatic moments fewer and farther between to make their impact more meaningful.
Overall: I want more, and I know you've got it! Don't settle for this. Keep trying.

McDaygo
Positives: You made yourself relevant immediately by mentioning the LPW angle. Good use of character history. Some good punchlines.
Negatives: The promo got really repetitive really fast. If you're going to have a promo divided into three different parts and have ALL of them be shoots, then try and vary what you're saying. Some glaring punctuation errors and run-on sentences. Jaro came off like a talking head the whole time...I wasn't a fan of the dialogue. Very artificial.
Overall: For a style that isn't considered mainstream in FMW, it wasn't half bad. But don't fall into the Eric Ares trap. In order to be a biting shooter all the way through, you need lots of comedic originality in each promo. I don't think you necessarily showed that today. Don't be afraid of storyline. Just because FMW is more plot-centric, doesn't mean you can't fuse the two styles. I think you'd benefit from reading some RCA promos. I could really see you writing in that format.

Slegna
Positives: BAHAHAHA! Something about a Mt. Olympus bureaucracy is really, really funny to me. I chuckled when I read "case-by-case basis" and "Word on the street is that Apollo...". Intriguing storyline. This is really the first time I've gotten into the demi-god gimmick. Aesthetically pleasing format.
Negatives: On the short side, but I feel like making it longer would make it worse. The narration wasn't quite as engaging as the dialogue...came off as a little matter-of-factly. Could have been slightly more build up in the introduction, instead of Slegna just randomly deciding to follow the dude.
Overall: I don't know what more to say. It's very compact and very engaging. The compactness might work against you in this format, but it's stylistically airtight. I really like it.

TyranT
Positives: Good grasp on the fundamentals of rhetoric. A well structured story. Relevant to your opponent in the match. Good background given in regards to Faith's past. All-around balanced.
Negatives: The promo suffers from one (and, I think, only one) major flaw; it's nothing new under the sun. While your writing style is airtight, the content of the story lends itself to a lot of tropes. Specifically "woman wrestler versus big guy", "molesting priest", and "loveable trainer." Scratch the surface, and the promo looks a little too much like a patchwork of efed cliches. It might just be this week. Obviously you don't have to be hyper-original on every card. But Faith needs to take some steps forward. Hopefully her shenanigans on Corruption will do just that.
Overall: Solid. Absolutely rock solid. One of the better promos for this card. But be warned; the content has to evolve. And I have faith that it will. HAHA I MADE A FUNNY!

O'Rion
Positives: As I said to RCA, I always like to see promo coordination for tag team matches. Always. It really does make the difference, and you did that here. The authenticity of Nova Scotian dialogue and general Canadian nonsense has always been a strength for you. The ending of the promo stole the show. Really tied together the motivation of the protagonist nicely, and gave you some match relevance. A well described fight scene.
Negatives:The narration! For god's sake bye, the narration! I know you're a face and all but...that was a little too much cheese for my taste. "Most people aren't Alex O'Rion"...I'm not feeling it. Then you have things like "Currently their leader is sitting atop his throne' on a raised platform, a stylized chair decked out in gems and diamonds from their ill gotten gains." See...I know you use present tense for the whole story. But sentences like that are just so awkwardly literal. It comes off as oddly robotic, rather than a bar-tale being told in present day (which is what I think you were aiming for).
Overall: I want to see more of O'Rion in this tag team. Not only because they work well together, but because a potential title run, breakup, and feud almost writes itself. Good job. Keep the criticism in mind, though.

Seth
Positives: It's a comedy promo that's funny. The comedic style lives and dies by how many yucks it provides, and this one provided a lot. Good comic timing. Match relevance used in almost all instances. Some truly hilarious lines. Specifically Apathy going "...because I just don't give a fuck." Goro Hanayama was my favorite part, naturally.
Negatives: Johanssen's [sp?] challenge really wasn't all that funny. Neither was Apostasy's. They had great lines individually, the the overall setup of the challenges could have been better. You had a massive coding error that you have since corrected. In context of this morphing into a comedic promo, the intro stopped making ANY sense. You had it started as a serious promo, and I feel like the introduction doesn't contribute to that at all. I have a feeling you came up with the comedy concept in hindsight. If not, that's how it comes off. Also, you use the "oh shit, he passes out" transition too many times. It works for a SAW gimmick, but can get a little stale.
Overall: Best promo I have seen from you while I have been here. Consider doing it more often.


Skyler
Positives: That intro was a bitch-and-a-half. In a good way. But unlike RCA, I am not at all disappointed that it ended. The scene with Skyler hyperactively talking to himself and passing out was class too. Excellently planned story. Good line to end the trial scene. The shoot at the end was a bit out of place, but you had some great lines...particularly the discourse on how Leon is your tool. Calling him your Caprice-studded sword was classy.
Negatives: The trial scene in and of itself was probably the weakest in the RP. It was constructed well in concept, but the testimonies were a bit bland. Everyone said exactly what they've already been saying...and then Skyler retorted with the same old shtick we've been hearing for a month. And speaking of which, the motive you're assigning Skyler is rather simplistic. I mean, here's this drug-addicted hero...but he's shooting comebacks like a millionaire villain. We're not talking about a DiBiase here. The man is paranoid, addicted, and defensive. I want to see him paranoid. I want to see him accusing Drew, Leon, etc for starting a clandestine conspiracy against him winning the world title. After such a dramatic buildup, the "I'm a winner" argument not only fails to cut the mustard...it doesn't fit the situation. And don't have him admit he's addicted. Addicts don't think like that at all. DENY DENY DENY. Be unreasonable. Make excuses. You're writing too much like a mainstream heel.
Overall: If this were a fatal four way, you would have won hands down. But keep the advice in mind.


Last edited by ToastErr on Wed Jun 23, 2010 5:46 pm; edited 18 times in total
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RCA
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 12:13 pm

I want some feedback.
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Kaoru

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 12:37 pm

RCA wrote:
I want some feedback.

You have it.
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Christian Moorebyss

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 1:05 pm

Would ya mind giving me some feedback please?
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Matt Dunn

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 1:49 pm

Do want.
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Vincent Van Rose




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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 2:07 pm

I would enjoy some feedback
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Alex O'Rion

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 2:44 pm

My promo will be up later today, so may I request some feed plz?
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Kaoru

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 5:03 pm

Updated.
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the nick bryson
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 6:34 pm

does this come with a side of white or fried rice? Im much more a fan of fried rice to tell the truth.
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McDaygo




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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 6:44 pm

Hi can i have feredback please
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Slegna
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 7:12 pm

Feedback, pl0x.
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Kaoru

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 7:18 pm

the nick bryson wrote:
does this come with a side of white or fried rice? Im much more a fan of fried rice to tell the truth.

If you give me your home address, I'll send you an envelope full of rice.
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Kaoru

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 8:07 pm

Updated for Slegna and McDaygo.
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TyranT




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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 8:11 pm

Want? >> Plulesh?
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the nick bryson
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 9:34 pm

oooh, rate my pictures!

my promo too I guess.
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Alex O'Rion

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeMon Jun 21, 2010 9:48 pm

Can I haz feed now?
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Kaoru

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 22, 2010 11:37 am

Updated for TyranT and O'Rion.


Bryson, here's your feedback in picture form:

Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 Simpsons_nelson_haha2
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Alex O'Rion

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 22, 2010 12:04 pm

Oh bloody hell.

I used to suck at narration, not just suck at it, but couldn't write descriptive.

Turns out I still do.

Thanks for the feedback sir, it'll give me something to ponder for my next one, very helpful.
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Kaoru

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 22, 2010 4:58 pm

Alex O'Rion wrote:
Oh bloody hell.

I used to suck at narration, not just suck at it, but couldn't write descriptive.

Turns out I still do.

Thanks for the feedback sir, it'll give me something to ponder for my next one, very helpful.

I'm SO good at this.
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Alex O'Rion

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 22, 2010 5:00 pm

Actually you are, you give some of the more indepth and useful promo I've seen.

I'll try and return the favor when I get a little free time later.
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TyranT




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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 22, 2010 5:06 pm

I got two positive sections! Very Happy

Cheers for the feedbax man. I'll return the favour soon.

Edit: Aww... you edited it :'(


Last edited by TyranT on Tue Jun 22, 2010 5:16 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 22, 2010 5:06 pm

Feedback me please.

I'll bring the rice.
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Kaoru

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 22, 2010 6:04 pm

Updated for Seth.


Tyrant, you shouldn't have said anything cuz I edited that shit.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeTue Jun 22, 2010 6:40 pm

Thank you for my feedback bud. I was trying to write a different way and it didn't turn out right. By the way, Axel is all about the cheese....I try for it every promo because AVO is the empitome of cheese the 80s metal god!! You gave me a couple morsels I can work on next cycle
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Slegna
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeWed Jun 23, 2010 4:56 am

Gracias for the feedback, sir. I agree that it was a little rushed and short, length is usually my weakness. As for the descriptions, my procrastination fucked me over big time. I really need to start earlier.
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Skyler Striker
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeWed Jun 23, 2010 10:49 am

Hey Mr. Hanayama, feedback would be great!
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Christian Moorebyss

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeWed Jun 23, 2010 12:17 pm

Thanx for the feedback dudezilla! I get where ya coming from and I'll do my best to try and improve on what ya said I needed to.

Thanx again.
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Kaoru

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 I_icon_minitimeWed Jun 23, 2010 5:47 pm

Updated for Skyler.
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Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.2 Empty
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