Full Metal Wrestling
 
HomeRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 Show me yours and I'll show you mine. (Cycle 11 feedback from Matt Dunn)

Go down 
AuthorMessage
Matt Dunn

avatar

Posts : 397
Rep : 0
Join date : 2010-05-13
Age : 28

Wrestler Profile
FMW Superstar: Dunn
Championship:

PostSubject: Show me yours and I'll show you mine. (Cycle 11 feedback from Matt Dunn)   Wed Jun 16, 2010 11:02 am

<3

Pre-emptive thread, yo. I'll be editting in,

starting with 11.2.


I'll be trying to feedback as much of you as possible, however, I may need to prioritize, so, I'll be feedbacking, in this order; people who give me some feedback, (I'm a whore,) people who I feel I can most help, promos that particularly catch my eye (so I can suck your dick,) everyone else, time allowing.

Kisses.

Alex Crysto - Why hello there little Crusader. =P Ok. I'm going to start with things I didn't particularly like, and then end up on things I did to potentially take the sting out of it. It's how I roll.

Section 1 - The part in Crystos past, I got a bit lost. A man called Crysto was shot, and a child had survived 'Crystos' muderous assaults and then went on to become known as Alex Crysto? That will pan out as you promo, I guess, but I didn't like the writing of it. And when I say the writing, I mean specifically the formatting "used for speech" like so. I'm not sure why, if I'm honest, because it's just throwing colour tags around quotation marks, and without the color tags it'd be how people actually write, like, books and shit. So, from an English stand point, it's correct. I don't know, I guess I like my dialogue to stand out, as I feel it's a very important, driving part of both a promo and personal story development. At the same token, the speech in section two, specifically the old man. I'm not sure about what everyone else thought about this, but because it's written in italics... That honestly gives me the impression he's not really real. Or if he is, he's a figure from Alex's past, and no longer alive/not specifically around at the moment of time. Which I think is good, in itself, that it's (potentially) making people think, but if you want to keep Oldman (can't remember his name, sorry,) with his italic dialogue, can you add a little colour to it too? It's a tiny bit difficult to read, given how thin italics makes text look, sandwiched between;

This
and
this.

That could just be me though.

Basically, it's just a formatting issue I'll point out this time. I don't want to get too much into the story aspects, because this is a first promo for Alex Crysto. So maybe next time, I'll address that. Now, moving on to things I particularly liked.

Once again, I did like GENTA (I went back and checked,) italic text. As I said, it made me think the Oldman helping Alex was just a voice, a figment of his imagination. And now, the code.

The code I liked. Of course I liked it. It blatently references me. You got the colour wrong =P but that's fine. (it only just dawned on me it was the wrong shade of seagreen. I use darkseagreen as apposed to seagreen like Dunnwood.

I'm interested to see where you want to go with this. I know you've expressed a wish to feud, and I'm perfectly down with that. If it became a sidestory of Crysto that he wants to get at Dunn for fucking with him, and he has to work his way up the ranks to get at him as well as try find answers to his past that could work out well. As I said, I think somethings up with Genta, so don't confirm or deny that, because I'm happy with it being just a theory at the moment. Or, maybe it's Dunnwood whose fucking with Crysto? Or maybe it's someone else entirely, making it look like Dunn/Dunnwood? There's a lot of room for twists, and that's something I particularly appreciate. I mean, look at my promo; I got some feedback from RCA in a PM which actually openned my eyes to something I hadn't even intended, what actually happened to Annalisa? Did she die in the Barbed Wire Trap? RCA thought she was buried alive and the Barbed Wire Trap was a red herring. I mean, I know, and all will eventually be revealed.

But then, you're not writing this for me. =P

As for the writing of the code/Dunn. That's alright; I've said ever since I started, I love cameos and references, and if someone can write Dunn in the spirit of writing Dunn, then it's all good. I say this, because no one can do him spot on since Nick Rijkaard (On that note, if Innilock is still over at LOP, tell him I miss him and he should come back.) Some of the dialogue imbedded in the code wasn't quite as verbose as Matt would actually be, which is why it came to me it might actually not be Dunn, but if it is, and it's revealed in an awesome way, then I'll be like omgitwasdunnthatcrystohadmetrickedawesomewriting and other people may just mark out on the nature of the reveal.

You write the code fine. You'll get better at it as you keep doing it. I mean, I've only just started doing it, so there's not exactly much for people to go off at the moment.

I did like this as a first promo. I will be more critical on the second one though as I'll have a better idea of the character and shit.

RCA - Same drill, negatives to positives.

1) You missed out the following;

Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreamin',
I can hear them say


I had a little OCD moment where I actually had to stop reading your promo while I sang the missing lines before I could carry on (my wayward son durhurhur) reading. It bothered me, not gonna lie. Also, incredibly cheesy within the context of the promo itself.

2) Kylie(Alex,) and James. Urm, wut? I understand that this issue is born of me not looking back over past promos. However, I'm not going to do that, it's too much hassle, especially for someone who I'm not going against in the forseeable future. If we had a match, I would have done. But someone fresh in, I suspect, would also probably not know who these people were, why Kylie prefered the name Alex, and so on. And in reality, it would probably take a few extra sentances to clear up that issue.

I know I've done similar things before in my old run, I've realised this myself, so I thought I'd pass on my lesson so everyone could benefit, if they choose too.

But all in all, I did like this. I liked the reference to your VCW version of Austin, which for all I know you've been doing for a while, or wasn't even planning to take it that direction and I just think that cause I was reading VCW shit last night before I went to bed.

I'mma leave it there, I'll talk to you on AIM later. Two reasons; A) I'm at work, B) if I suck too much dick my throat will get sore.

<3

Alex O'Rion -


Last edited by Dunn on Fri Jun 18, 2010 5:13 am; edited 4 times in total
Back to top Go down
RCA
Full Metal Champion
Full Metal Champion


Posts : 3158
Rep : 6
Join date : 2009-12-05
Age : 30

Wrestler Profile
FMW Superstar: Chris Austin
Championship: FMW C-4 Champion, FMW World Tag Team Champion

PostSubject: Re: Show me yours and I'll show you mine. (Cycle 11 feedback from Matt Dunn)   Wed Jun 16, 2010 4:26 pm

Save a spot for me, sir.
Back to top Go down
Alex O'Rion

avatar

Posts : 1467
Rep : 3
Join date : 2009-12-06
Age : 33
Location : None of your business

Wrestler Profile
FMW Superstar: Alex O'Rion
Championship: FMW World Tag Team Champion

PostSubject: Re: Show me yours and I'll show you mine. (Cycle 11 feedback from Matt Dunn)   Thu Jun 17, 2010 2:27 am

Can I have a spot saved as well, I promise to return the favor sir.
Back to top Go down
Hannibal Frost

avatar

Posts : 821
Rep : 4
Join date : 2009-12-07
Age : 30
Location : Memphis, TN

Wrestler Profile
FMW Superstar: Hannibal Frost
Championship:

PostSubject: Re: Show me yours and I'll show you mine. (Cycle 11 feedback from Matt Dunn)   Fri Jun 18, 2010 7:07 am

I'd very much like feedback from you once I get my promo posted. I've progressed alot, writing ability and character wise, since you've been gone, so i'd like to see what you think of me now.
Back to top Go down
Matt Dunn

avatar

Posts : 397
Rep : 0
Join date : 2010-05-13
Age : 28

Wrestler Profile
FMW Superstar: Dunn
Championship:

PostSubject: Re: Show me yours and I'll show you mine. (Cycle 11 feedback from Matt Dunn)   Fri Jun 18, 2010 9:00 am

We do this Quid pro Quo sir, =P

But I'll save you a spot, sure.
Back to top Go down
Hannibal Frost

avatar

Posts : 821
Rep : 4
Join date : 2009-12-07
Age : 30
Location : Memphis, TN

Wrestler Profile
FMW Superstar: Hannibal Frost
Championship:

PostSubject: Re: Show me yours and I'll show you mine. (Cycle 11 feedback from Matt Dunn)   Fri Jun 18, 2010 9:07 am

I'll get you some feedback here soon, sir. Trying to finish my promo first tho so i can post it before the deadline. Sunday night will be the last of my free time before the deadline.
Back to top Go down
RCA
Full Metal Champion
Full Metal Champion


Posts : 3158
Rep : 6
Join date : 2009-12-05
Age : 30

Wrestler Profile
FMW Superstar: Chris Austin
Championship: FMW C-4 Champion, FMW World Tag Team Champion

PostSubject: Re: Show me yours and I'll show you mine. (Cycle 11 feedback from Matt Dunn)   Fri Jun 18, 2010 9:37 am

I see I might have to explain who those people are.
Back to top Go down
McDaygo



Posts : 26
Rep : 0
Join date : 2010-02-03

Wrestler Profile
FMW Superstar:
Championship:

PostSubject: Re: Show me yours and I'll show you mine. (Cycle 11 feedback from Matt Dunn)   Fri Jun 18, 2010 12:33 pm

Mr Dunn,

I'd very much like feedback on my return promo and I will be glad to return the favor.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Show me yours and I'll show you mine. (Cycle 11 feedback from Matt Dunn)   

Back to top Go down
 
Show me yours and I'll show you mine. (Cycle 11 feedback from Matt Dunn)
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» SCANDAL SHOW Album Lyrics
» Mr.Electric's "The White Metal Show"
» Eruption HI-FI: Award Show, Biltmore Ballroom, NYC. 1988
» 1960s "BATMAN" TV show
» Marley Marl's Rap Attack Show on WBLS 107.5 FM, December 1987

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Full Metal Wrestling :: Full Metal Wrestling E-Fed :: BACKSTAGE :: Feedback-
Jump to: