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Kaoru

Kaoru

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PostSubject: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1 I_icon_minitimeSat May 15, 2010 5:08 pm

KAORU'S JUMBO TERIYAKI FEEDBACK

Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1 01

Foreword: There seems to be a lack of feedbaxing for this show, so I suppose I'll oblige. But if you're looking for fluffy feedback, then don't come here, as I will be pointing out positives and faults impartially. So don't get butt-hurt, kay? Kay. I think I'll be reviewing everyone's promo. And I might just review my own too. If everyone is going to be harshly criticized then I will be hardest on myself!! Smile

Clarke:
What I Liked - It's a continuing story arc. And a good one. The Order of Assisi angle is playing out nicely. You are pacing it well in terms of events-per-promo, and keeping it interesting. Hannibal's role was very tastefully structured. You did not overuse intra-stable dialogue, which can be a bad habit.
What Could be Better - Harley's tone sounds a little funny at times. On one hand it makes perfects sense; he's a doctor, and a vigilante for justice. On the other hand, reading that last fight scene made me chuckle a few times. There is a fine line between tough talk and corny talk. It wasn't too bad here, but it's something you might want to take notice of in the future.
Overall - What can I say? It's quality work. If you drop like that every show, your UV title reign will be a good one.

RCA:
What I Liked - I'm fairly sure no one in the fed works shoot-style dialogue into their promos as well as you do. The placement comes off as very natural. I like the direction you're going, insofar as depicting Austin as a young guy who is too aware of his own talent. Go deeper with that.
What Could be Better - Did you read what I said to Clarke regarding intra-fed dialogue? Because in my opinion it did more harm than good for you. Drew's lines seemed stodgy and just put in to keep the story moving. Some of what you said to the priest, despite Austin's increasingly darkening personality, came off a little funny. (The "code of bushido" line.)
Overall - A solid effort, but I've seen you go above and beyond this level before.

MC Steel:
(You mentioned that real-life got in the way, so I think I'll just wait till next show to get a better feel for your writing style. Good luck with whatever kept you busy!)

Jason Krow:
What I Liked - Your punchlines were generally on-point and funny. It's got all the feel-good power that a solid old school promo should.
What Could be Better - The way you mapped the promo was kind of funny. I don't think there needed to be two separate sections for two kinda similar shoots. Your narration was goofy at times. I believe at one point you said something like "Yes, the last time Jason Krow did this was...". That kind of narrative doesn't flow well in my opinion. Also, you made some of the opposing characters' histories up. Don't do that, lol.
Overall - A debut promo is a debut promo, and this wasn't the worst. I look forward to reading more. Stick around!

Before I begin: Gabe made good points about giving feedback to people that are in your own match. But quite frankly...we're all of an old enough age here. I feel like I can give Gabe balanced feedback without making his promo look weaker and mine look stronger. As I said, I intend to give my own promo feedback. So there's no offense meant. This feedback thread is meant to be as unbiased as possible.

Gabriel Crow:
What I Liked - The entire first half. I WANTED you to confront Eric Scorpio. I WANTED you to confront your old teacher Moragan. You were Eric's "chosen successor" and you came off a match where you didn't get it done. That's good stuff right there.
What Could be Better - The second half. Rhetorically, it was solid. But when you started talking about the mausoleums of the Michaels family and black magic charms, you just about lost me. I think the big thing for you is making Gabriel Crow relatable. When you were standing in front of Scorpio, in whose shadow you had been for so long, I was excited. But then it turned out it was just a dream sequence. Don't be afraid to make Gabriel Crow a real person, as opposed to a gothic badass. I think you'll go farther that way.
Overall - Despite my personal misgivings, it was a good promo. I look forward to seeing the result!

AVO:
What I Liked - It was a stronger effort than last week. Rhetorically speaking, there is more meat here.
What Could be Better - The different parts didn't seem to tie together very well. You went from parents' basilica to Joey's place to old Harley. I wanted to see you go somewhere with it.
Overall - You improve steadily. Keep goin'!

Andy Savana:
What I Liked - I have to admit, this is the coolest concept I've seen in a while. An efed wrestler giving an interview in the future about a match he has had in the past (present). And the open-ended conclusion, where you never say if you won? Perfect.
What Could be Better - Dialogue was your strength, but narration was your downfall. Some of the descriptive language came off as looking "meh" especially since it was next to much more substantial spoken stuff. For example, the conclusion to the part where Donovan takes you gun off you? That should have been a tense moment. Instead it was just "...and then our hero escapes behind the curtain." Didn't do the moment justice.
Overall - If you can perfect the flashback interview style, you'll be invincible. It's just so damn cool. I'm pissed I didn't think of it.

Kaoru Hanayama (myself):
What I liked - The story is moving along, which is a good thing. I am very happy with the concept I came up with, and the way the intro was executed.
What Could be Better - Every time I reread it, I think the pacing is off. They get to the church and everything just happens way too fast. Part of that is because there were complaints last time about my promo being too long, so I tried to avoid that. But now it looks unbalanced to me. The intro stands out as being stronger than the rest, while the latter half seems threadbare. Blech. News article at the end could have been better.
Overall - To each their own, right? As the guy who wrote it, I can see all the faults. But I still believe it is worthy of winning.

Drew Michaels:
What I liked - The concept of Drew as travelling exorcist is interesting, because it could be spun off in several directions. It's something I'd like to see more of. There was some great interaction here as far as dialogue...
What Could be Better - ...but dialogue is literally the whole promo. I know that's your style...but if the whole promo is literally just people talking, it seems static and even tiresome at points. Paragraphs of "Drew knows that he must..." followed by rapid-fire dialogue leave any kind of drama, action, or buildup completely by the wayside.
Overall - It's far from a bad promo. You have as good a shot to win as Gabe or myself. But the very first thing I saw you write was for the Clarke match, and that's the standard I hold you to Smile

Romeo:
What I liked - The promo sets up a lot of transitions in terms of where the character is going...
What Could be Better - ...but that's all the promo does. I'm pretty sure that all you wanted with this piece was to set up new storylines after the TyranT match, so it's cool.
Overall - It makes me want to know what'll be happening in the life of Romeo, why Cain died, where his body went, etc. It's not a standalone promo, but it isn't meant to be.

Alex O'Rion:
What I liked - For someone who knows diddly about the AoR character (like me) this was definitely an enlightening read. It establishes your character for newbies and and resurrects some storylines that old-timers are familiar with. Theresa being dead was definitely the strongest plot device.
What Could be Better - Song lyric transitions? Really? The conversation with the psychologist left a corny taste in my mouth. At times, it seemed like Alex's dialogue didn't match the situation whatsoever. Adrian takes you to a cemetery and you're like sassing him like "WHOAWTFAREWEDOINGINAFUCKINGCEMETARY?" Just...didn't seem to fit. I wanted to see much, muchmore of the RCA/O'Rion parallel, as that would have been the promo's greatest strength.
Overall - A good refresher in where AoR comes from, with some high highs and low lows. The key from this point on will be originality. Figure out where he's going to go. Is he going to be a smartass? A wizened veteran? Both? If both, how can you best find a balance in the situations he is put in?


Last edited by ToastErr on Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:04 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Vincent Van Rose



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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1 I_icon_minitimeSun May 16, 2010 11:48 am

Thanks for the feedback Kaoru-- I was trying to show how emotionally tied into the world and people Axel is to show he is the Anti Apathy. The disapproval of dead relatives will be a running thread throughout my promos. I too felt it bounced a bit but was much stronger than anything I had put out before. Its a shame if I get the win on Apathy's no show, but I will take it.
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Alex O'Rion

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1 I_icon_minitimeSat Jun 05, 2010 12:15 pm

I know this is a little late, but since we are waiting on a few shows still I was wondering if I might be able to get your opinion on my promo? Would be a great help for next time.
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Kaoru

Kaoru

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1 I_icon_minitimeThu Jun 10, 2010 12:05 pm

Alex O'Rion wrote:
I know this is a little late, but since we are waiting on a few shows still I was wondering if I might be able to get your opinion on my promo? Would be a great help for next time.

Wow.

I never got back to this post.

Still want it?
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Alex O'Rion

Alex O'Rion

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1 I_icon_minitimeThu Jun 10, 2010 2:02 pm

Yes please good sir, I'd enjoy another perspective on my promo if you don't mind.
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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1 I_icon_minitimeFri Jun 11, 2010 2:38 am

ToastErr wrote:
MC Steel:
(You mentioned that real-life got in the way, so I think I'll just wait till next show to get a better feel for your writing style. Good luck with whatever kept you busy!)

I don't think I'll return for a while. I like my e-wrestling status as it is at the moment in LPW.
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Omega

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PostSubject: Re: Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1   Jumbo Teriyaki Feedback 11.1 I_icon_minitimeFri Jun 11, 2010 3:31 am

I never got feedbacks either Sad
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