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 Bird's Eye View ... Lethal Injection Edition

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Christian Moorebyss


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FMW Superstar: Christian Moore

PostSubject: Bird's Eye View ... Lethal Injection Edition   Mon Apr 05, 2010 6:21 pm

Ok lads, it's time for me to give you guys my thoughts on all the Lethal Injection promos.

Without further ado ...

CHRIS AUSTIN: Intro was brilliant. If you hadn't have actually put that it was some sort of daydream I honestly would've believed he had beaten her to death. Really well written. When you started with the Cain and Abel stuff I wondered where you were going with it, but as I read on it made perfect sense. And finally the contrast between what he was thinking and what he was saying was perfect.

Overall: A really good read from start to finish, and a great way of evolving the character and feud.

The first fight sequence with The Worm was well thought out and well written. The scene with Harley and Katherine in the bathroom was really sweet. It showed how much she really cares about him and would do anything for him. And The Harlequin attack on The Worm was again well thought out and well written.

Overall: Yet another piece of story telling gold from my favourite character.

Starting off with, what I see, the way many people feel about religious figures ... they're all hypocrites! Great idea. However, the whole thing with Jaro giving orders didn't really work for me. I just can't imagine Virus taking orders from anyone to be honest. But. the descriptive work throughout was phenomenal! It had be complete gripped. And Father McNultey becoming a "Broken Saint" was just perfect.

Overall: More great work from the mystery man who I think now has everyone's attention.

Oh Axel, Axel, Axel, where do I start with you? What the hell happened man? I could see that there was a great idea behind it all, having Axel trying to "save" Trey and ultimately help the team, but the delivery just wasn't there this time round. To me, and please don't take this the wrong way because I'm trying to be a friend and help ya here, it seemed like you almost rushed through the writing process instead of sitting down for a while, thinking it through, maybe writing down a few notes on a piece of paper (that always helps me) and really concentrating on how you wanted the whole thing to play out.

Overall: Not the best I think you can do, sorry.

The roadtrip part at the start was a gentle way of starting off, it wasn't too in-your-face which was good. I wasn't quite sure where you were going with the scene with the waitress in the bar though to start with, but like any great storyteller you build it up so it was soon easy to understand her importance. The attention to detail was second-to-none, it's always nice to read something where someone knows all the little details that make something believable.

Overall: A really good read and as a fan of supernatural stuff it really grabbed my attention.

The initial backstage stuff with Crystal was pretty good, it showed that in that instant he truly didn't care about Damien and what happened to him which is great. The encounters between Gabriel and The Dark Father and Uriel were amazing, it almost felt like I was watching a movie on TV. The descriptions were great and worded perfectly, they really got into the mind of Gabriel.

Overall: Brilliant, something I could read over and over again and never get tired of.

Is it any wonder Syanide is troubled with all those thoughts running through his head? Damn just one of those would be enough to drive anyone crazy lol. I love though how all the random thoughts in his head converge around one thing, the most important thing in his life ... his son. Truly shows that he does have a "human" side after all (even if he did kill the kid). The layout was great, really easy to follow and the bright colours really grab my attention. The story itself is playing out brilliantly, it just keeps building and building which is exactly how a good story should go.

Overall: Yet another interesting insight into the mind of Syanide.

Wow! Simply ... Wow! A real emotional look at how TyranT is coping with not only being the World champ, but also the fact he's not as young as he used to be. I love how he went through the stages and you could read the clear transition between them in his own mind. The whole thing was well thought out and well written.

Overall: An emotional rollercoaster for my new favourite "old boy" of wrestling.

The beginning with Faith alone in her locker room was ok, not brilliant, just ok. I'm not sure why you actually did it like that when you could've achieved the same effect with them bumping into each other anywhere in the arena and her just walking passed him and not acknowledging him ... that's what I would've done anyway. The stuff with Tiberius was better than I thought it would be. Romeo showed that he's not quite as sure of himself all the time as he would like people to believe, and Tiberius seemed to actually be enjoying seeing his boss second guess himself, could it be that he will one day try to overthrow Romeo? That might be something interesting to see. The actual "video" promo was pretty well done (even if a little familiar with all the pictures lol) and was actually a little comical what with Romeo blaming TyranT for earthquakes and tsunami's.

Overall: Pretty good, but personally I don't think it was your best work.

The desciptive work at the beginning was really good although maybe in future promos you could go into a bit more details as to what he used to do on the island, just to give a bit more background (I know that I know it but nobody else in FMW does just yet). The interaction between Cole and his wife was classic of them and I think between the two of us we can show more of that. From what I've read of Smitten's previous work you captured his personality pretty well. The ending was pretty good as well, it showed that Cole may well have a darker side to him which I hope in following promos you'll tap into more.

Overall: Pretty good first outing (although I'm sure some people will accuse me of being biased).

The beginning was really good, well thought out and very descriptive. The meeting part was well written and full of detail, however the rest of the promo seemed to go on for a little too long, it still would've been great even if it was a little shorter. I know you were building it up, but to me it just seemed that it was dragging on. I loved the story itself though, don't get me wrong. And the picture of the guy hanging was almost enough to put me off my lunch. It's gruesome! ... I love it!

Overall: A really good story that maybe doesn't need to be as descriptive as it is right now.

Oh dear, this one didn't start out well for ya. The dialogue between Seth and Drew at times seemed very forced, almost as if they were reading a script written by some kid in English class at high school, it didn't really seem to flow right ... In fact, to be honest, none of it really flowed right in my opinion. It was very jumpy in parts, I'm not sure if that was how you meant it to seem or not, but it really made it difficult for me to get into the flow of it. The story behind it all was pretty good though, I'll give ya that.

Overall: Not quite the best I've seen from you, but the story was there.

The beginning was perfect. The emotion Abel obviously felt thinking about how much he has changed since coming into the business was great, and the interaction between him and little T.J. was sweet, it showed just how much he cares about the kid. The interaction with Seth and Drew was classic, with a hint of comic genius. I actually laughed when I read "Drew: Next timeā€¦.try and break his jaw." That was just brilliant. Handing the Gold Card to Drew and telling him to give it to T.J. actually made me shiver, it seemed like Abel thinks he's never gonna come back Sad The confrontation between Abel and Brian was amazing, and the ending was totally unexpected.

Overall: Yet another piece of stellar work from you, although I'm not sure where you can go from here.

I like the way Skyler simplified his whole life into a few short sentences, that was pretty well written. The news article was great, exactly what you'd expect from a newspaper, simple and to the point. A really good idea. And the statements from Skyler at the end were great. Informative and insightful into who he really is now.

Overall: A solid outing yet again.

The whole thing with the guys in the recording studio was actually pretty funny. I had images of them all sat there with bottles of various drinks in front of them and just staring holes in each other, waiting for one of them to crack up laughing. Great idea to include it. The song itself was pure genius! How long did it take you to come up with it and can I get a copy? I love it. The bit with Frost and Caprice seemed a little outta place, but with you I've come to expect that sort of thing, so I'm sure there was a good reason for it. And finally, hahahahaha! You got your wish! You fucked Skyler's little girl ... well her clone anyway. Thankfully you weren't as graphic with that part as I thought you were gonna be, which is definitely a good thing.

Overall: Good work as unusual from the man who's paving the way for those of us with split-personalities.

While reading this I was seriously beginning to wonder where the hell you were going with it. I can understand why you put in as much detail as you did, but geez you could've done it in, well, less words. It was a little long to say the least. The story itself was great, I really enjoyed it.

Overall: Great story, but a little on the long side.

I loved the explaination as to why Bryson was behind the Virus mask at 10.1, that was really well thought out and executed perfectly. The emotion you put into the situation between him and Celeste was really good, and I actually found myself feeling sorry for Bryson when she accepted Jaro's marriage proposal right in front of him. I have to wonder though whether Nick was being a little naiive in believing Jaro, but I guess only time will tell.

Overall: Nice piece of work, looking forward to the next part.

Usually I'm not overly keen on using songs in promos, unless they actually fit the point of the promo ... and thankfully this one did. The whole part with Leon laid on the bed and shocking himself was great, it was truly powerful stuff. The confrontation between Skyler and Leon was powerfully done ... the poor little nurse must've been shitting herself sat in the middle of them lol. The plotting between the family members was well written and showed us all that they really will do anything to get the old Skyler back.

Overall: Another solid (although slightly long) piece of work.

The ego has landed! Geez we get it, you won a couple of matches, seriously you don't have to mention it all the time whether in the TT thread or your promos, that just seems like you have nothing else to say. The flashbacks to New Year's Eve were in parts quite funny, but it just seemed like you dragged it all out a little too long. The bit addressing your match just seemed like it was tagged on the end as an afterthought.

Overall: The ideas were there, but they didn't seem to flow right and the ending was a little tacky. Sorry.

I really liked the beginning with Seth and Annalisa, it seems to me as if she's becoming his good conscience which could be good for him. The stuff with Smitten was OK, although I'm not quite sure why you put it in (I guess I must be missing something). The stuff in the car with Mark was really well written and it shows how close the two best friends are. I really liked the flashback part, it really worked well in giving a bit more insight into Seth. The end stuff with all the lads was well written as well.

Overall: A lot more focused than your last one, and a great read.

Ok, that was the sort of promo I'm used to reading in my old feds ... shorter than some of the others in FMW, full of dialogue, a little more match reference, and of course vampires (btw if you ever need some extra background vampires for your promos please feel free to ask me for some stuff, I'd run a vampire character for almost 13 years). I really liked his interaction between Alistair and Rita, definitely a lot of chemistry between the two of them.

Overall: A little shorter than I expected but full of interesting stuff, solid work.

Just a quick note on a formatting point, if you're going to use that font again (the one for the letter/email at the start), may I suggest you use a slightly brighter colour just so it makes it a little easier to read, coz how it is at the minute actually made my eyes hurt trying to read it. Ok, now I've mentioned the formatting issue I had ... The actual letter/note itself. Hmm, it was a good idea, but I think you might have gone a little OTT with the descriptive aspect of the actual institute. It was a little boring IMO (sorry). The chat between the doc and Bill was ok, but again a little long-winded.

Overall: An ok piece of writing but it felt like a lot of hard work to read. Sorry.

Firstly, just a quick suggestion, but it might make it easier for everyone to know who's talking if you use different colours (especially with the first part of the promo when there were the doctors and nurses talking). The flashback scenes were ok, although it was hard to tell where they started/finished and the now stuff came in/ended.

Overall: A good idea and well written out.

The chat between Mark and Drew was Ok, although they seemed to switch between topics a bit too quick, they could've stayed on the subject of his lost love for a few sentences more. The bit with Natalie looks almost like you forced yourself to write it just for the sake of having it in there, it was a good idea but I think you could've put a little more into his thoughts as he was stood talking to her, I mean she is the love of his life after all there has to be some thoughts in his head about her. However you really clawed it back at the end with him blowing all his pent up frustration into the car and his own thoughts running through his head.

Overall: Not a brilliant start but you got it back by the end. Pretty good work.

Part 1 ... I hate to say this (and I may be the only person to say it), but I really didn't get any of it. It was all very ... mystical and mysterious, and I really didn't understand why you put it in. Sorry. However, part 2, which was the part you originally posted was great. I like the idea of using a bit of history to get people interested right from the start (and fyi if you ever need a list of serial killers in the future don't hesitate to ask, I did a couple of papers on them in high school so I may have info on them you could use). Very insightful and informative into the background of clowns and how some people are scared of them, I really liked that. And I really really liked the way you gave it all match relevance by tying it back to Quint.

Overall: You should've kept it the way it originally was without the stuff about Celeste, but I still can't wait to see what you come up with next.

The descriptions throughout were great, indepth but not over the top. The start was ok, not brilliant, but still pretty good. The "promo" part with the kid holding the camera was not only match relevant and well written, but funny in parts which I think is a plus. I loved the mock video! No wonder it took you so long to post your promo lol.

Overall: Pretty good outing, interested in seeing where you go from here.

Last edited by Doublemummy on Sun Apr 11, 2010 12:44 pm; edited 9 times in total (Reason for editing : Updated)
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PostSubject: Re: Bird's Eye View ... Lethal Injection Edition   Tue Apr 06, 2010 10:31 am

Thank you for the feedback. Though just as a point, part of this gimmick is that Virus does take his orders from Jaro. A type of hired muscle. Brutal, visceral and methodical, but hired muscle none the less. It is unfortunate that the scene seemed forced or didn't flow right. Thank you again for the feedback.
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Vincent Van Rose

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PostSubject: Re: Bird's Eye View ... Lethal Injection Edition   Tue Apr 06, 2010 4:54 pm

I do admit it was a bit rushed .... With Easter and finals I crammed it in to make sure it was in way before the deadline...I still have a lot going down .... I wish I could have put more into it I have so many ideas for this team. And to feedback you if I may ... Your promo was the opposite of mine...very well planned for once and actually showed us the dicotomy that Moore is dealing with and how he is trying to push it down and quiet it for once. All in all your best since I have been in the fed. Good Shot!!
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Hannibal Frost


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PostSubject: Re: Bird's Eye View ... Lethal Injection Edition   Tue Apr 06, 2010 5:05 pm

Thanks very much for the feedback. I'm glad I've finally found someone else interested in the awesomness of paranormal fantasy writing.

Anyway, expect your return feedback in the criticism corner in a couple days.
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PostSubject: Re: Bird's Eye View ... Lethal Injection Edition   Fri Apr 09, 2010 8:44 am

Thanx Hun and don't worry the back story will unravel through future posts. As for the Darker side of Dragos, how could he not have one after all with in laws like 'Vampire Molly' and Ethan Blake if he didn't have one he wouldn't last 5 seconds.
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FMW Superstar: Kaoru Hanayama

PostSubject: Re: Bird's Eye View ... Lethal Injection Edition   Fri Apr 09, 2010 10:07 am

Thanks for the feedback!

The one thing I would say in defense of the length is that this sets up an entire story arc, so naturally I had to make it long in order to make sure everything is in place for later. The rest of the chapters were going to be shorter.
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