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 Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK

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RCA
Full Metal Champion
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PostSubject: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeThu Apr 01, 2010 11:56 am

Alright, I tend to work on a quota or "you scratch my back I scratch yours" formula, but I found that said stips may or may not work so here's how it's going down.

I would like feedback first and foremost.

But besides that, well, whatever happens happens. You are more likely to receive feedback via feedback or an impressive outing though, but I may be gratuitous once or twice who knows.


Anyway...



Lord Harley the Awesome: YES. That is pretty much all I have to say about the promo. The only thing I may find fault in is the numerous presences of one to two lines of text followed by the same for action. But it does make everything easier to read. My favorite part was without a doubt the ending. I marked out, legit. I came away with the same feeling that TyranT's return at Death Row gave me, which should bode well for you. It also helped to see Harley recognize this with the theory of Occam's Razor, lol. I am very interested in seeing where the 'good' Harlequin goes from here but I very much enjoyed his return I must say. It also was nice to see Kath seem to 'come around' to what Harley is. Either way, top notch effort in my view. Top notch.

Sir Hanny the Great: Alright, alright. So I cuddled up to this promo with a bowl of cereal, expecting a long road of verbatim ahead. To my surprise this didn't seem as long as I thought it would be, so consider that a plus. I also see that you've still got the market covered in terms of descriptive writing. That was very key in this promo and it didn't disappoint. I very much liked Hannibal's focus completely on Striker, thought it was fitting. I will say this, despite that this was written masterfully with little to no fault, it did not impact me as I expected it to. The story was OK, but I guess it's going to take some time for me to get past the lack of demon Frost. I blame Harley's feedback for this. Anyway, I find myself most impressed to see the lack of ring rust as well as the good use of symbolism. Oh and yes, being a criminal offender of the 'purity' of erotic scenes...let's just say that yours was much better. But yeah, overall a decent, so-so story that was immensely helped by the quality of the writing you put forth. This means that in my view, it's a damn fine promo.

Sy-Sy the Duke of Sadism: I really liked this. I wasn't as lost inside the mind of Syanide as I was at Supremacy, but I must say that this was some more fine piece of reading. This also had wonderful use of match relevance, despite it not dominating the promo (I thought the thing with the heart was creative as fuck). There was intrigue all over this promo, particularly with the "Kill Harlequin or be Killed" ultimatum. What is really surprising me about this is that given all of the things I've heard about the evil of Syanide, I haven't seen it yet, and it isn't a bad thing by any stretch. Nice job on the descriptions too. I really don't have much to say for the promo as it was damn fine. Little is any glaring weakness in it from where I sit. Well fucking done, it was dark, eerie...it worked.

Gabriel, the Paragon of Darkness: Short and sweet I have to say. Excellent use of descriptions to start but what really impressed me about the promo was Gabriel's new attitude. It seemed to changed almost overnight, like Jack Swagger upon winning the World title (for you wrestling nuts). I dug that and I dig this too as the heartlessness Crow showed as it concerned Damien was quite intriguing. The confrontation with the old guy was nicely done too, but I didn't care much for the thing with Uriel. My main qualm lies with how he, and thus you, made Drew seem superior to Crow. I know, it's Drew Michaels but you should be more about proving your superiority over Drew and this showed Crow as a man who is aware that a defeat over Drew would be an upset (even though you just beat the one person who has his number) and all you can count on is that Drew won't be helped. The ending message was good for what it was, but, and I'm nit picking here, the font wasn't becoming of a message I should take serious. As it were, it was a fine outing overall and you've certainly found something in your singles run.

TyranT the...uh...TyranT: Wow. I have to say that the TyranT character, despite his heeldom, is one person that I can't help but to feel sympathy for. That makes him a strong character because no matter what TyranT does, he always pulls me back in. Anyway, on to the promo. I think it was a relatively simple concept that was executed masterfully. The Five Stages of Grief...you nailed it. Granted, I would have liked to see more dialogue with Faith, or dialogue in general but it's long been established that Ty is a man of few words. I love your style of description, it doesn't just put me in the scene, it places me in the mind of TyranT. Well-written and crafted as usual, but my favorite moment was the ending (it was between that and the bargaining stage). That segment with Romeo as well as the acceptance was powerful. POWERFUL. In all it's a top notch effort and the only thing that I found wrong with it was as you said, you posted this before you were ready, which makes me think that this could've only been better. Top notch work.

Christian, the Catalyst: Alright, alright. Pretty good stuff. I'm interested in seeing where you go from here with the Dominic story. The dialogue was decent between you and you, lol. Main gripe is easily match relevance, seemed like a forced passing reference but it's my personal preference. But as for what you've got here, this flowed a lot better than some of your previous stuff, so I echo Harley's beliefs that this seems like you had the time and effort that you wanted to put in. It showed. Solid job.

Drew the Dominant: Done over AIM

Kaoru the Killer: Two things jumped out at me from this: LONG and Hard to read. The former is self-explanatory and the latter was because there was little differentiation between the spoken dialogue and the scene setting/action scenes. I know that's how you write, but it begins to become a problem when a promo begins to run long. Italics are you best friend. However, there were some OUTSTANDING lines in this promo, particularly "Feeling It was like seeing your murder weapon years in advance..." and the one Harley mentioned. Anyway, besides the obvious length/formatting of it (which isn't a good thing from what I understand), this was one hell of a story/promo.

Skyler the real Broken Saint (YEAH I SAID IT DREW, WHAT OF IT?!?!?): I will not lie. All I cared to read about was the spoken words of Skyler. the 'news item' in the middle did it's job and all, but given the match relevance to follow, it may have come off as something to be filler. I would've preferred to see somtething with your family, Trisha, recognition of Sky's problem, something like that. But I LOVED the spoken word. Not only was it all about match relevance, it seemed to remind me a little bit of RCA's whole outlook towards FMW. In fact, if I didn't know better RCA's mind when clear is like Skyler's mind on drugs. It kinda steals the thunder a little from RCA though. Still it was very well done. I LOL'ed at "{On a side note, ain’t that the fuckin’ kicker. People can tell whatever story they like, but in the end, you already know who you want to win.}" because well, in some cases it's the truth. I know you tried something new, and I think it went over pretty well, at least it did with me. My only main gripe was I guess I was expecting EPIC and didn't get it. Doesn't mean this wasn't a very good promo though. Great job.

Dunnwood the Divided: You'd better be glad you had the ending. I read the promo and I wasn't super impressed with the start. Don't get me wrong, it was interesting and all of that, but given the level of the promos we've seen for the match thus far, I don't know if you hit the level you needed to. But before you frown up or get mad or whatever, realize that the promo didn't suck. I still am impressed with the grasp you have on Dunn, if I didn't know better I'd say that you are the guy who played Mortus/MPD. Either way, shock value at the end was gross. At times it read like 'there just for shock value' and at other times it read like 'hell of a mind game'. Very solid effort, it's right up there with your best stuff so far.

PX the Puppetmaster: I finally finished this promo, and it was quite the intricate story. Obviously the length stands out and I truly believe that you could've still gotten the general message across (which was a very good message, BTW) if this was shorter. Either way, PX came off as a mastermind type and I was a fan of that. If you can, I would like that you PM me so I can have a better understanding of the character. The thing with Eric was nicely done in fact the promo itself was very well done. The length just killed it for me. A couple of coding errors too, but PX was quite brilliant in this promo. Well done.

MASS Caesar the Magnificent: I do believe that Caesar is back. This reminded me of your work during the Guiomar/TV champion phase of Caesar. As it were, a easy read, had its moments of intrigue. I also think I caught some match relevance towards Apathy and Butter with the moments of Caesar feeling like a loser that doesn't care. Glad to see you got the fire back. I found myself really interested in more of the past of Caesar, as I wasn't around when you first made this transition. If any gripes, I would say that it's the same as your usual writing. I see the passion and the drive, but I find myself looking more and more for the whole 'markout' element in your promos, that extra kick that makes me go 'That's it, there's no way I can't vote for him'. You are always one of the epitomes of consistency, but you tend to lack the element of the promo that pushes you over into that next stratosphere of promo greatness. Either way, this was a fine job.

Apathy the Apathetic (Too easy): Took me a while to get to this. At first the formatting of the promo was hard to read, but good to see you changed it. Other than that, it was a prime example of what an intro promo is and should be. Got a look at the character and all of that, seemingly showed his whole point and reasoning behind doing what he is. I would've liked more mention of your opponents, but maybe you had it symbolically and I missed it (it happens). I wish I had more to say, but I did really enjoy the conversation between C and A, and the quick snippets of 'footage' were well done. Nothing too spectacular, but the promo did what I expected it to do: Introduce me to Apathy. So nice job.


Last edited by RCA on Sun Apr 18, 2010 4:50 pm; edited 10 times in total
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Dano



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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeMon Apr 05, 2010 2:50 pm

I've really forced myself to move away from Syanide being this evil, racist Nazi. It's taken awhile but I'm getting there. He's a broken man to tell the truth, he does't know up from down anymore. I showed him nervous in this promo for the first time, he avoids making eye contact with Quint. He's becoming more rounded I think.

I'm glad you liked the Heart thing, I was really proud of it when it came to me. I thought of you when working in my match relevance because you've mentioned it to me once or twice before.

Thanks for the feedback.
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Christian Moorebyss

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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeWed Apr 07, 2010 6:04 am

Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate the positive comments. I'll try to work on the match relevance aspects.
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PX

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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeSat Apr 10, 2010 3:30 pm

You said there would be be feedback, and I receive none.

the feedback is a lie

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RCA
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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeSat Apr 10, 2010 3:31 pm

THA feedback is pending on me reading said promo.

Yours is an all day project, lol.

J/K
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PX

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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeSat Apr 10, 2010 3:38 pm

RCA wrote:
THA feedback is pending on me reading said promo.

Yours is an all day project, lol.

J/K

The grim irony of that coming Chris F'N Austin. Embarassed

albino pig Suspect confused study cherry santa

_________________

Bringing back the archives, one show at a time

Dixie Carter wrote:
Just finished watching the LOST series. Better late than never. I am more lost than ever but loved it. Not everything needs to make sense.


PX: Longest Reigning TV Champion in FMW history (342 Days)
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Kaoru

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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeSat Apr 10, 2010 3:41 pm

Know what's funny?

I actually thought the same thing about the differences in my narration/action while I was writing it, but said "eh fuck it." I guess I didn't realize how it came off in a longer promo. 'll put in some italics next time to clarify.

And like I said earlier, the length aspect was because I had to set up the whole story arc in one promo. So I ended up putting subtle things in there that won't develop until 11.1.

You're spot on, though. Those are two problems that I definitely could have handled better.
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RCA
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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeSat Apr 10, 2010 3:53 pm

PX wrote:
RCA wrote:
THA feedback is pending on me reading said promo.

Yours is an all day project, lol.

J/K

The grim irony of that coming Chris F'N Austin. Embarassed

albino pig Suspect confused study cherry santa

Since I became a 'heel' my writing has drastically shortened.

And I finished your promo.
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PX

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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeSat Apr 10, 2010 3:56 pm

And when I became a "heel" my writing has become drastically longer, oddly enough

Edit: Gracias. When you say you wanted a PM, do you want me to explain PX to you or what?

_________________

Bringing back the archives, one show at a time

Dixie Carter wrote:
Just finished watching the LOST series. Better late than never. I am more lost than ever but loved it. Not everything needs to make sense.


PX: Longest Reigning TV Champion in FMW history (342 Days)
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RCA
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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeSat Apr 10, 2010 6:29 pm

Yep.

Drop some feedback in there too if you want.
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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeSat Apr 10, 2010 8:06 pm

Would you be able to give me some feedback, sir? Just need to see where I need to improve with. I am happy I wrote it and it felt less chore like and more enjoyable this time around. The last 8 months have been chore like for me. Thank you in advance sir.
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iDeAndes



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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeSun Apr 11, 2010 5:05 pm

Alright Eddddiedah.

Feedbackz plz. Muchos gracias.
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RCA
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PostSubject: Re: Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK   Lethal Injection: THA FEEDBACK I_icon_minitimeSun Apr 11, 2010 5:18 pm

Check back later today.
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