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 Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback

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The Returned



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PostSubject: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Thu Apr 01, 2010 11:39 am

I'm implementing a rule for myself. So long as you post before the first deadline you will get feedback. If you post during penalty time you may or may not get feedback, it depends on my motivation.

So now you know.

And now on with the show!


RCAwesome: First off the Student of the Game aspect was very well done in the address towards Abel. I don't really want to say much about it because it just worked for this direction of RCA. The intro was creepy as all get out, which I assume was the intention and it delivered. The Cain and Abel segment worked really was as a transitory between the outside and inring story and I felt really started to open up this budding feud. I am still a fan of this three prong narration. I think you may be hitting your stride with this new direction, kudos.

Axel: While I felt you built up steam last time with your promo because of the cheese factor, this was just a resounding "meh". It just didn't work for me. It just seemed like a big step backward for the character, especially with how excited you had seemed to be about whoever the SFW. To have the whole promo kinda be like "why me of all people" takes away from a lot of the momentum you would have had.

Hannington Bear: You know my thoughts on most of the promo, so I'll address the end. The realization that Frost was playing Clue was absolutely hilarious. I enjoyed how Frost cared far more about the Rifle than the woman, though there was a great parallel between her and Skyler so I really enjoyed that. This was a great promo and a TRUE return to form of who Hannibal Frost is. Win or Lose, you've got the ball and Momentum is firmly yours, run with it sir.

Gabriel: Huge pick up once again for you sir. Well written, well executed. I am marking out pretty big for this passing of the torch from Scorpio to you. It's all coming together very well. I enjoyed the bringing out the malevolence of Crow in this promo, well described. I would have enjoyed more in the mind of Crow about what is going on because this is a huge set of revelations for him. Well done.

Dan-Dan Revolution: Exceptionally creepy and snappy. There were a few spelling mistakes and repeated words that caught me a few times. One specifically when Sy is standing at the stairs by the dog and you write "down down the hall" or something. Also one of Onkar's lines was formatted in Sy's colouring which made me re-read it to make sure. This promo worked really well in the "story that needs to be told category". It does a lot to further not only the story of Syanide, but set up a lot of future promo's and stories as well. I would have liked a little more description to really immerse myself in the acrid smell of smoke that is Jo-Jo, or being trapped in the padded cell. But you covered that with quick and concise dialogue. As you make mention in the promo Sy-Sy is a man of few words, so what we don't get from the dialogue we pick up from descriptions, in my opinion. Mind you, do you descriptions very well, there were just a few places I would have liked a little more is all. From what I've seen so far, the war is on between you and Hanny. Leon, Apo, Easty and Striker need to grab themselves by the belts and promo hard if they want to stand a chance.

Christian-Dom This promo is your shell-breaker. I know there's been time-constraints, moving and children in the past, but this was seems like you were able to sit down, work out a story and tell it. I appreciate some of the past being filled in between Christian and Dom and I would like to continue to see that. The dialogue needs to be tightened a little but it is certainly improving. Hanny has a tips thread, as do I, that I suggest giving a brief glance at. It may be an idea for you to work on a story arc for yourself, something to keep us engaged outside the ring. One thing, it's Trey, not Troy, it's little, but never good to mess up your opponents name. This was a strong showing and you've only been improving since you started. Kudos.

TyranT Rex: I dunno sir, I thought this was exceptionally well done. For me it was nice to see a non Faith centric promo. While they are always well written, I find the actual spoken words of Ty carry a bit more of an effect. With this promo it was something we all saw coming really. It had been always creeping up on Ty. You capture the psychology of the man very well here. Well I felt a few of the stages may have been lacking a little, mainly just acceptance, I do understand the constraints you were under. And for what it was and the frame you worked with it, it all came together like a champion should.

Where For Art Thou Romeo: This is something I had wanted to read for awhile. The advancement of the the Tiberius character. Very strong secondary character who now, if you play him right is the perfect counter balance to Romeo. Romeo showing his worry was essential for the progression of both characters and the roundness of the promo. I was a little "meh" about the picture stuff. The concept was good, but it evoked more of a "...really?" response than a "hahah classic." I was amazed at the opening and little underwhelmed at the ending. All in all, very good. A+ For a Journey Reference.

Dragos: For a style you've never written in, or aren't used to, you made very good strides. Obviously there is a lot of story to fill in at this point so hopefully we get that soon, but this was great for an intro promo. It's going to be interesting to see where this character develops. My suggestion would be to read Gabriel Crow's promo, or his past promo's to get a feel for that type of writing style as it seems to be the one you used. Crow does it very well and it may help to round out your promo's a little. A few formatting errors, but nothing major, just try to do a preview to catch as many as you can before posting. Great effort sir.

Kaoru: "Until the intimacy of the torment gave him faith in the constancy of all things, living and dead" Beautiful line. Entirely well laid out promo. It was very visual as I never lost the clear image from my mind the entire time, especially in the "war-room" Sonny was once again perfectly portrayed. The nod to your opponent and the aspects of torture in relation to submission and submissions was a well concieved idea. Knowing that this sets up future arcs I can understand the length and am also looking forward to the paths the story takes from here. This was a top notch effort. You're certainly the Abel Steele of your rookie class, no If's And's or But's. I read this this morning before work, and on the second read through I played "Smooth Criminal" while reading it...it certainly enhances the read. Well done. The only thing I'd really like to see at some point is a situation truly beyond Kaoru's control. Where he has to really overcome something and grow, that was really the only thing I've found lacking.

Drew-bert: I've come to embrace the dialogue from Drew. You win. It doesn't overly appear in the other characters now, just in Drew. And it's becoming, if it wasn't already, a trademark. And you've won me over with it. I'll echo the thoughts of DM here with "this wasn't one of your greatest" but it certainly was still great. It was a strong story that is beginning to tie up some of the loose ends within the Drew Michaels Saga. Though I hope the questions that are beginning to be answers spur on a lot more questions. Overall this was a great promo, not out of this world, but great none the less. The concept of the cycle within purgatory was neat as I was reading it and drawing parallels between that and FMW, so it was a cool concept to start. The end of this promo made me start singing "Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, anything gonna slow me down, oh no, I got to keep on movin'!" Good times.

Steele Airlines: Twist, after twist, after twist, after left hook from hell, after twist. This promo had me saying "what the hell is going on" about the entire time and I loved it. Up until the very last scene I had no problems with this promo aside from some spelling and formatting errors. It had all be laid out tremendously with some very nice digs at Seth. You captured Drew very well in the writing. I blindly accepted the re-killing of Emma on the grounds that it would be terrible to tell TJ that she was now alive and have her potentially die again. You always want your characters to face adversity but there's not point mentally crippling them all the time. You'll have a lot of explaining to do with the whole Tim thing. With the Voice and the body and Tim in Abel's head. Unless I skipped something very key, which I may have. BUT if not, it sets up a lot of great story telling in the future. I'm looking forward to this story continuing sir.

Skyler: Certainly a different approach to the promo. This line: "And no liar can or will beat me for the Abandoned Championship come Lethal Injection" made me wonder after some of the clear hypocrisy earlier in the promo (during his analysis of his opponents) Understandably its from Skylers perspective so that was interesting. From at outside view, to me, it almost appeared as though there was a slight resignation of defeat in the words. You had explained twice why the EC match was important and only like 2 paragraphs apart, so watch out for that. I missed a lot of description in this promo, as it it happened in a pure black vacuum, or pure white and for me I was unattached the words because I couldn't envision a scene for them to be spoken or heard in. A solid effort, almost like Ro in a sense. It wasn't fantastic by any measure but it was very good. Well done. Strong showing for a strong champ.

Easty-Kins: I knew this promo was coming, so the shock factor for the ending was luckily spared for me. The recording studio thing was an interesting twist and worked in a sense, save for the song, it was kinda Meh. I liked the fun conversation with Jaro in Black (it's a mystery). All in all this was a great promo and certainly a return to form for you. Well done sir. Creepy and gross, but well done.

Seth: Done Via AIM

PX: Holy Long sir. This was a solid promo, but I feel there may have been some stuff that isn't overly integral. Well written and the concept was great. A lot of interesting parallels between with Celty here, which were very interesting. This was a long read, which required a fair bit of effort to sit and ingest it all at once. well done sir.

Bry-Bry Very interesting concept to finally see how Bry got to where he is. A lot of development for the character and a cool story to boot. I really liked it, very much enjoyed the read to bring us up to speed with everything that is going on for Bry. Very enjoyable. I missed you Sad

Leon: The first thing I noticed about this is, while it was well written, it was written with very slow pacing. This really put a damper on it for me, I just couldn't get into it. It's nice to see some solid direction for Leon and there was a lot of continuation of the overarcing story. Overall the story that was being told was hampered by the slow pacing, which is ad because the story was good.

DGS: I guess you said it best yourself at the end. May as well throw in some relevance right? Just tack it on to the end and see what happens. Overall it just felt out of place and not entirely fantastic. Thsis was a really neat story being told up until the end. A nice jump into the life of DGS and fun to see how he got to where he is on a personal level. The character, and in turn supporting characters are developing quite well. I'm very much liking this.

Jaro: You know my thoughts on the first promo you posted, which is now the second portion of your promo. It was great and I loved it. Nice intro into seeing how the cogs spin in Jaro's mind. The first part (with Celeste) I'm not so sure of. Mainly cuz I just couldn't figure it out. Is Celeste dead now? No one can deny that the style in which it was written was fantastic, I just think it went a little beyond me, which I neve rlike happening.

And that would be all prior to the deadline. Enjoy.


Last edited by Clarke on Sat Apr 10, 2010 3:19 pm; edited 7 times in total
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Vincent Van Rose



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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Fri Apr 02, 2010 2:02 pm

Thanks for the feedback bud! I agree this was not my best go....I had a lofty idea for this promo and I didn't quite hit it out of the park. Really real world stuff jumped in right in the middle of me writing it. Needless to say sometweaks will be forth coming....Thanks again!
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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Sat Apr 03, 2010 9:08 pm

Thanks for the feedback Harley.
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Dano



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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Mon Apr 05, 2010 2:53 pm

Thanks Jay for the feedbag. If you want "actual" structured feedback just let me know and I will deliver some more.

I fixed that formatting error and will proof read it again(THIRD TIME, I'm useless).

I know some scenes could do with one or two more lines but it's not really my style to write to much. I base alot of my style of Ken Bruen who's an Irish Crime author. His style is very very clipped and sort.

Dialogue

Description

Dialogue

Kind of thing.

Want to thank you publicly too for being so liberal with letting me use Harley as I wish. You've never said anything negative to me regarding his portrayal when I use him and that means alot. Using him has really helped me develop Syanide into a real rounded character.
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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Mon Apr 05, 2010 2:57 pm

Thanks for the feedback Harley. It;s truly appreciated. I get what you mean by giving his own out of the ring story to concentrate on, and I will be getting to that eventually ... I just like to build things up slowly coz I intend to be around for long enough to be able to build up slowly and provide a great story that hopefully everyone will get behind.

Again cheers for helpful feedback once again.
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The Returned



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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Mon Apr 05, 2010 3:03 pm

Cool sir, nice to always have something to keep you structured in your writing style. Whatever works for you right? I thoroughly enjoyed the promo and this is your style, the last thing I'd say to do is to change that. I'll have to check out a few of that guys books to get a feel for that style a little more. My main thing was wanting that thick smoke description with Jo-Jo because he is so important to the character, but that's just me, though very nice imagery in describing his appearance.

One thing I will say I LOVE about this promo is that it happpens so out of order. Things seem pretty good for Harley, just like Dano is there to catch up on old times (though creepy with his sitting in the dark) and then we !SNAP! back to his meeting with Onkar about killing Harley and all the sudden it's an "oh...shit" moment with no follow up and now I don't even know if I'm dead or not Smile True suspense.
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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Mon Apr 05, 2010 3:17 pm

You are right about the SMOKE though end to play it up more. A lot more because it's a big thing that'll be sticking around.

Much love...
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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Fri Apr 09, 2010 11:25 am

Thanx for the feed back Harley. I know the story is a little lacking for those that don't know my character but the history of Cole/Lord Dragos will be getting shown in upcoming Promo's while he continues his search.

I have read Crow's recent Promo (and will be looking back at old one's) to see about your example on writing style and I see what you mean about how he does it so well. We'll just have to see how i do in upcoming shows.
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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Fri Apr 09, 2010 11:38 am

Anytime sir. You gave yourself a leg to stand on in this promo and laid a nice foundation to build off of here and to show us who Cole Dragos is and where he is going. Looking forward to it.
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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Fri Apr 09, 2010 12:38 pm

Thanks for the feedback.

I agree the Tim thing needs some mighty quick 'splainin..... stay tuned.

Also no comments on length? Razz
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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Fri Apr 09, 2010 12:41 pm

No comments on it. I'll reiterate what you said to Gabriel. It read quickly.
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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Sat Apr 10, 2010 3:29 pm

Feedbackz can haz plz?
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The Returned



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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Sat Apr 10, 2010 3:55 pm

only cuz I heart you.
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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Sat Apr 10, 2010 8:07 pm

May I have some feedback, my Together Demon brother? Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Sat Apr 10, 2010 8:11 pm

See my above post to De Smile

I'll get to both of you tomorrow and that's it Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Sat Apr 10, 2010 8:51 pm

And Celty?

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PostSubject: Re: Uncle Harley's Lethal Injection Feedback   Sun Apr 11, 2010 12:20 am

Thanks for the feedback, bro. It doesn't happen to me too often, but I was really stumped as to how to fit match relevance into this one. Oh well - next time, right?
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